


In That Dim Light, A Spark

by ABookAndACoffee



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Lots of angst ok, Multi, Past Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-31 09:32:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 61,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABookAndACoffee/pseuds/ABookAndACoffee
Summary: When Aelin Galathynius is assigned to do extra work with a tutor to make up from her leave of absence in college, she finds herself at odds with what she thought the rest of her life would be like.Rating will go to E eventually. This is a retelling of Heir of Fire/Queen of Shadows.





	1. In the Blinding Dark

Stumbling into people at a party, in the literal sense, was nothing new. Aelin had plenty of experience handling her drink; it was the other guy who had a problem. Her ability to put back a bottle of wine of a six-pack of beer and then walk home - not stumble - was legendary amongst her friends. Unfortunately, the people who ran into her didn’t always see it the same way, but in the end, mumbling, drunken attempts to pick her up were often the result of her encounters at parties like this. She had perfected a withering stare, but it didn’t work on people who were too blasted to tell the difference between their ass and a hole in the wall. In those circumstances, a firm hand was much more likely to get the message across.  
  
Years of kickboxing, dance lessons, and personal tragedy had lent Aelin the perfect mix of agility and scorn, drink in hand, three sheets to the wind, and yet never spilling a drop. The only reason she came to places like this was the free booze. It was so much the better for her if a bunch of privileged frat boys had parents who recharged their credit cards, allowing them to buy kegs in the hopes they would get laid. They’d never lay a hand on her. The fact that few people, if anyone, would recognize her, was only a bonus in coming here.  
  
Aelin’s parents, and their fate, were somewhat famous. Even all these years later, strangers would narrow their eyes at her, trying to place her turquoise eyes and sharp features. That was another occasion where the withering stare came in handy. Usually, they would go scurrying away, muttering something about having been mistaken, and Aelin was glad for it.  
  
She was looking for her best friend Lysandra when she ran into the wall of muscle. While Lysandra had played the part of pleading for her to come, Aelin had only agreed when Lysandra promised her she wouldn’t be completely alone. Yet now, an hour and three red Solo cups of beer in, there was no sight of her.  
  
A roar went up from another room of the frat house - no doubt a party game or some regretful decisions had been made that would show up on a Snapchat or Insta story, and Aelin turned away from the noise, rolling her eyes. Turning, she collided with someone she had seen lurking around campus, and had made a point in avoiding.  
  
Looking up, and then up further, her eyes met those belonging to someone she had never intended on making the acquaintance of. They had matching frowns, which might have been cute in a dark way, if Aelin had been in any mood to deal with some random guy who was going to hit on her.  
  
“Not now, buddy,” she said, holding her hand up to keep him a healthy distance away. The dark tattoos that snaked up his face might be intimidating to other people, she supposed. Aelin had avoided this guy because his attitude had matched her own too closely, and she recognized someone else who would have rather been left alone. She not only recognized it, but respected it. If only he held true to the persona he projected, they could each go their own ways.  
  
To her surprise, the tall man laughed. “What, do you think your long blonde hair means I want to bang you? Not likely, love.” He spoke with an accent that was out of place, and yet she couldn’t identify it. As if it mattered.  
  
“Get away from me, then.” She reached up to shove him away, but the man caught her wrists. She was forced to examine him more closely, as the space between them shrunk to mere inches.  
  
“You ran into me. Why should I let you go?” There was the hint of a threat in his voice, and Aelin bristled at the sound of it, even as a part of her welcomed it. But she couldn’t be so lucky as to have run into the one person at this party who wouldn’t give a shit about her past, could she? The one person who wouldn’t know or care what she had suffered, and would punish her all the same? She certainly deserved it. Maybe this tall stranger would be the person to treat her horribly and discard her. It was as much as she deserved, given what she had done.  
  
Yanking her hands away from him, Aelin spilled some of her drink. “You made me waste beer. Bastard. What’s the point of being here if I’m just running into oafs and spilling beer instead of drinking it?” She pawed at the stain on the front of her shirt, and when she looked up, he was gone. She’d run into him again, no doubt, but for now she needed to find her friend and get out of here.  
  
Lysandra’s voice came from behind Aelin, calling her name. So much the better. Aelin was certain she never wanted to encounter that man again, no matter how much their souls had grated against one another in a strange sort of harmony.  
  
Before she could turn around, Lysandra wrapped her arms around Aelin, pinning her arms to her side. “I didn’t think you would show up!” she exclaimed. Lysandra rocked her from side to side as she spoke. “I told Elide you would come, but she didn’t believe me.” Lysandra finally released her and Aelin turned, trying to wipe the annoyance from her face.  
  
“I’ve been here for an hour,” Aelin said. “Where were you?”  
  
“Babe, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad? I just had an outfit emergency.” Lysandra looked stunning, as usual, but she would have were she wearing a burlap sack. Her green corduroy skirt and grey sweater set off her eyes perfectly, and Aelin thought, not for the first time, that she might have been interested, were she not too busy trying to survive one day to the next.  
  
Lysandra grinned, and Aelin sighed. They had been through too much to let this get between them, and Aelin raised her empty plastic cup. “Remind me where the keg is?”  
  
  
*****  
  
The next afternoon, Aelin walked into the library and asked the front desk for the direction of the study room she was looking for. She had a pounding headache, which was odd, considering how used to drink she had become. But she had work to do, work that would mean the difference between whether or not she was allowed to continue her studies, and so she rallied. She had taken the time to wash away the stench of beer from the evening before and had even brushed her teeth - she reached up and breathed into her palm to be sure - and so surely she could spend a few hours a week trying to get caught up.  
  
It wasn’t exactly her fault that she’d had to take a break in her studies. Yet she had to pay the price and catch up anyway. The world wasn’t going to wait around for Aelin Ashryver Galathynius to recover from her own personal tragedy.  
  
Aelin adjusted her short black leather jacket, and she headed in the direction of the room where she was supposed to meet her tutor. His name was Rowan, and he was a graduate student in history. That was all she knew, and even that was too much. She didn’t care who this guy was, as long as he could help her make it through this semester.  
  
As she approached the room with its glass doors, she groaned. A familiar head of long, silver hair had its back to the door. Surely, the gods wouldn’t be so cruel as to force her to work with him?  
  
Aelin threw open the glass door and stalked into the room. She threw her books on the desk next to Rowan and slid the chair out from under it. The metal feet scrapped across the tile floor, emitting a rough creaking sound that broke into the silence of the library. Ignoring the dirty looks thrown her way, she plopped down into the seat.  
  
He looked up at her, startled at the interruption in his solitude. “What are you doing here?” He looked around as if he would find someone else, as if they hadn’t been assigned to work together in some sort of cosmic joke.  
  
Aelin reached her hand out. “My name is Aelin. And apparently, I am your student. Or tutee, or whatever.”  
  
Rowan kept his hands to himself and so Aelin dropped her own to her side. She began to unpack her bag, taking out her laptop and the textbook in which she had scribbled notes months ago. It felt like a lifetime ago. Aelin tried to keep herself from thinking about the friend she had been studying with, the one who had scribbled hearts in the margins of her textbook. That was a friend she would never see again, and yet somehow, she was forced to live every day with the weight of that life pressing on her.  
  
Swallowing back the memories, Aelin slammed a pencil down on the table. “Teach me.”  
  
Rowan sat back in his chair, crossing his arms. “Not yet. Not until you tell me why you were at that party, and why you are here now.”  
  
Aelin swallowed. This was all too much. To have to deal with her past and her present screaming at her at the same time, it was enough to make her want to give up everything.  
  
“I was at the party for the same reasons you were, I guess. Drinking, hooking up, forgetting the week,” Aelin answered. “I don’t care why you were there. All I know is that we have been assigned to work together, and so I’m ready to learn.” She sat straight in her chair, pencil poised over a blank notebook, while her laptop was ready to take notes her hand was too slow to catch.  
  
“Do you know why I’m here?” Rowan asked.  
  
“No,” Aelin responded shortly. “And I don’t care, frankly. I just need to pass this class, and then I can move on to my English courses.”  
  
Rowan sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. They were massive and covered in tattoos. When Aelin had been assigned to work with a tutor, she had imagined a thin, nerdy, nervous guy who kept pushing his glasses up his nose. A history tutor was not supposed to be massive; he was supposed to be intimidated by her.  
  
Finally, he answered. “Alright. You pass the class, I get my service-learning done, and we both walk away happy. Right?”  
  
“Right,” Aelin answered. There was definitely nothing that Rowan could do to get in the way of her plans. And nothing that she might need from him, outside of a bit of eye candy.  
  
“Open your textbook to page 398,” he said.


	2. Stumbling for Footing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Rowan learn how to get along, and afterwards Lysandra comes to check on Aelin.

By the end of the hour, Aelin was ready to pull her hair out. Rowan had done his best to point out every gap in her knowledge, every incorrect date, every time she mixed up one monarch or dictator with another. Early 20th century European history was painfully complex enough, without this hulk of a man grilling her about it.  
  
As Aelin packed away the books she had strewn about the room, he stood up to stretch. “Same time tomorrow?” he asked. “And I think you’d better reread that chapter we just went over, your grasp of pre-World War 1 politics is abysmal.”  
  
“Are you kidding me? Tomorrow? I have loads of homework already, a paper to make up for Brit Lit 1, and a chem test to study for.” Aelin zipped her bag shut and reached into the side pocket for her phone. She had managed to keep from looking at it the entire time, suspecting that Rowan might have chucked it out the window if she’d so much as glanced at it. Flicking her finger over the screen, she saw that Lysandra had messaged her several times, which she’d have to check those when she could take the time to reply, Dorian was enjoying a late breakfast after having gotten shitfaced along with the rest of them, and Elide was waiting to find out what her plans were for the weekend.  
  
Nothing from Chaol. It was just as well.  
  
“Yes, tomorrow, unless you want to take a year to catch up on a class that you should have just tried passing in the first place,” Rowan shot back.  
  
Aelin could feel the heat rising in her face. “You have no idea why I didn’t pass the first time.” She slung her bag over her back and gripped her phone in her fist. The past year had been more of the same. More loss, more feeling like she had found bottom, until someone punched through and shoved her to yet another lower place. Not that she would ever give Rowan the slightest hint of what she had actually experienced.  
  
“Oh,” Rowan said, “I’m sure you have the usual excuses. Party girl, hadn’t quite yet figured out she couldn’t get drunk on daddy’s dime and get homework done at the same time. Didn’t work out so well for you, did it?”  
  
Aelin headed out of the door of their study room and let it go before Rowan had followed her out. It slammed into his foot and she grinned.  
  
“Like I said. You have no idea.” Aelin forced the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach down until all she felt was the cool rage that was so useful to getting her through moments like this.  
  
She walked away from him, not caring what he thought of her. If he thought she was some spoiled brat, then fine. If he thought she was just going through the first growing pains of being away from home, fine. It wouldn’t really matter, so long as he taught her and he received his credit that he needed for whatever the hell it was he was trying to study. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, and she didn’t need to know any more about his life than he needed to know about hers.  
  
Rowan followed her down the hallway, past the help desk of the library, and then took the same exit as her. Finally, she turned around and stopped. “What do you want?”  
  
“Are you coming tomorrow, or have you chickened out already? Because I’d rather not waste my time if you aren’t serious about passing. Plus,” he said, waving his phone in the air, “I don’t have your number.”  
  
“Real smooth, tutor-man. You’re not getting my number.”  
  
“Aelin, I don’t _want_ your freaking number. I just need to know if you are up to another tutoring session tomorrow.” Rowan shoved his phone into his back pocket and stuck his thumbs in the belt loops of his pants.  
  
“I’m coming.” Aelin pursed her lips and then a slow smile spread across her face once more. “And how about we make it a two-hour session?”  
  
Rowan frowned. “Why?”  
  
“I’m just feeling very into history right now. And hey, then you can get your service-learning credit out of the way quicker. Right? I mean that’s the only reason you give any sort of shit right now.” Aelin was already thinking about the bottle of wine she had at home, about falling into her bed, bra-less and comfortable, letting the rest of the world slip away. But for now, she would leave at least a somewhat positive impression on this man, one of the most infuriating she’d met in quite a while.  
  
A buzz came from Rowan’s back pocket and Aelin laughed. “You keep your ringer on? And it hasn’t gone off this entire time? You must be quite popular.”  
  
He glared at his phone, then at Aelin. “It’s just my advisor. I need to get back to her office.”  
  
Aelin raised an eyebrow, but stayed silent.  
  
After typing furiously on his phone and then hitting send, Rowan looked back up at her. “Tomorrow? Same place and time? For two hours?”  
  
“I’ll be ready,” she answered. She turned to walk away when Rowan’s voice rang out again.  
  
“You didn’t ask my name.”  
  
“What?” she asked.  
  
“How did you know my name? You introduced yourself, but I didn’t tell you who I was. You’ve just been communicating with my advisor, and I don’t think she told you my name either.”  
  
Aelin shrugged. “I’ve seen you around. I’m observant.”  
  
“Observant? Sounds kinda stalkery to me.”  
  
Aelin scoffed. “Get over yourself. I’m just used to watching for-“ She shook her head and stopped herself. “Whatever, I knew your name already. I just pay attention to stuff other people don’t, ok?”  
  
“Whatever you say, Aelin. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked away.  
  
Aelin adjusted her bag on her back, and headed home, crossing familiar paths that would never be the same without the laughter and light that had been taken from the world.  
  
*****  
  
Lysandra was waiting for Aelin on her front step. Jumping up, she held up a bottle of some sort of alcohol. “I’ve brought refreshments!” Aelin couldn’t help but smile and unlocked the door, letting them both in.  
  
“So,” Lysandra asked, “How was el tutor man? Did you learn lots and get super smart? Or did they say you don’t even have to do this stupid extra work?”  
  
Aelin laughed despite herself. “Hardly. He’s a douche. But I don’t really have a choice, do I? Not after last year.”  
  
Lysandra settled onto Aelin’s couch and twisted the cap off the bottle she carried. “That’s what this is for. Am I right?”  
  
Aelin and Lysandra had known each other ever since just after Aelin’s parents had been killed, and Lysandra was one of the few people she could count on in her rapidly-shrinking circle of friends. That she would show up this evening, booze in hand, ready to listen, was no surprise. Lysandra seemed to have some sort of sixth sense when it came to Aelin, able to predict when she needed more support than usual based on a combination of the frequency of texts and Snapchats and an extensive knowledge of Aelin’s past.  
  
Throwing her bag on the coffee table, Aelin grabbed the bottle and sat down on the opposite side of the couch. “Indeed.” Taking a swig, she grimaced. “Actually, I should really get this homework done, Lys.”  
  
“Seriously?” There was awe in Lysandra’s voice, which was a sign to Aelin that she really had gone down some strange path these last months. Normally, she was dedicated, Aelin worked harder than anyone to be on top of whatever list she appeared on, academic or otherwise. But since last November, nothing had been the same.  
  
“Yeah,” Aelin sighed. “It’s just that I realized how much I don’t know, and I need to get through this course if I am going to get my degree. Taking time off of school seems like a good idea when your personal life decides to take a huge detour, but no one tells you what a hassle it is to come back.”  
  
“Especially when it comes with a side of tall, brooding tattoos?” Lysandra kicked Aelin’s leg from across the couch.  
  
“Are you kidding me?” Aelin asked. “Wait, how did you know it was him?”  
  
“I have my ways,” Lysandra said mysteriously. “Oh come on, you didn’t think you were the only one Arobynn taught some tricks to, did you?” A shadow came over her face, and Aelin handed over the bottle. Lysandra took a drink, not bothering to wipe the rim before she handed it back.  
  
“Ok, you have a point. But yeah, he was…” Aelin searched for an appropriate word, but none of them seemed adequate at describing what an ass Rowan truly was. “He was smart. He is good at what he does, and he knows it. It makes him impossible.”  
  
“Impossibly hot,” Lysandra replied. She moved her legs away before Aelin could kick her. “I’m just saying, it might not be a bad thing, if you were to jump back into the saddle for some fun. Or back onto the saddle? I’m really not too sure how this works, but what I’m trying to say is you should definitely smash.” She laughed, her head tipping back and her long brown hair falling over her shoulders. Aelin would never get tired of the sight of her friend happy, and she smiled.  
  
“I’m pretty sure you must have drunk a bottle of this before I showed up, because that is definitely not happening,” Aelin answered.  
  
Lysandra rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever. Did you reply to Elide, though? She really wants to hang out this weekend.”  
  
“Shit, no. Wait,” Aelin said, sitting up straight. “Why did you message me a bunch?” She reached for her phone, but Lysandra grabbed her arm.  
  
“I just wanted to know about your cousin,” Lysandra said, “And when I’m going to get to meet him.”  
  
Aelin grinned and took a drink from the bottle. “I’m pretty sure Aedion would stay home and kiss your feet, once he gets a look at you. Don’t worry, he’ll show up this weekend.”  
  
“Fine.” Lysandra’s lower lip stuck out and Aelin wondered what Aedion would do if he were here to see her pouting and slightly disheveled.   
  
Grabbing her phone, Aelin checked her notifications once more.  
  
Buried in the lines of texts and Snapchats and emails, there was a text from Arobynn. She froze, her thumb hovering over the button to unlock her phone and read the message.  
  
When Aelin had gone away to college, Arobynn had made her promise to check in with him every day. She glanced down at her phone and scrolled through her notifications again. His name appeared more than once, and she pressed the button. It was more of the usual. Wondering how she was doing, asking her to contact him, reminding her of what he was owed. He would never do it in a way that seemed like a demand, but in a way that made her feel like she had been saved… He had been saving her going on thirteen years, if she were to take his calculations as correct.  
  
At first, Aelin had thought Arobynn was her savior, after her parents died. Now, she knew better, but she was still unable to cut the ties that she suspected had kept her afloat for so long.  
  
Lysandra sat up straighter, setting the bottle on the coffee table. “What is it? Is it him?” Her voice came out in a strangled whisper. Aelin’s best friend knew her too well, knew the few scars that could cause her to pale at the mere mention of a name.  
  
Holding her phone to her chest, Aelin answered. “Yes. I won’t answer, though. Not if you don’t want me to.”  
  
Lysandra frowned. “No, answer him. Let him know you are fine, I am fine. We are all just fine.” She stood and began pacing. “It’s been months. This is the first time he has contacted you, isn’t it? Since…” Her voice trailed off and she slumped back down onto a chair opposite the couch. “Why now? What does he want?”  
  
Aelin turned her phone screen off. “I don’t know, and I don’t care. We will take care of this. Together, ok?”  
  
Lysandra nodded, and they spent the rest of the evening enveloped in silence.


	3. The Path Is Obscured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Rowan continue their sessions, but they don’t go well. She goes to a party at Dorian's house, and the night ends in tears. 
> 
> *This is getting super depressing, I'm sorry, I swear it will get better?

When Aelin walked to the study room the next day, she was much better prepared for whatever Rowan was going to throw her way. Getting through these study sessions so she could pass the two tests and then the final exam were the only reason she would put up with his attitude. But she’d definitely handled worse. And at this point, in a mere two-day span, she realized she would never let Rowan Whitethorn see her fail or show him a sign of weakness. So what if that wasn’t the point of her being here? It was nearly a point of pride, proving him wrong.  
  
Aelin opened the door to the study room quietly. Rowan had his back to the glass wall and his head was down. Slamming her books onto the table next to him, she frowned when he failed to even jump. Aelin was normally very, very good at sneaking up on a person, making her presence hidden until the moment she decided otherwise.   
  
“Did you do the reading?” Rowan asked without looking up. He was scanning over an article, something that had an abstract and pages worth of citations and, Aelin assumed, he would say was far too advanced for her. He was highlighting and scribbling notes on a lined sheet of paper that already contained a plethora of notes. He ran a hand through his long silver hair before bothering to look up at her. She caught a glimpse of how far those tattoos ran; extending from his forehead and down below the collar of his shirt, she was sure that those marks meant little more to him than increased intimidation factor of undergrads.   
  
“Of course I did the reading,” she answered. “And I took notes. And I finished my Brit Lit 1 paper, and I studied for my chem test. I’m pretty sure I aced it, by the way.” Aelin threw her bag on the seat next to her own. She took off her black jacket and shook her long blonde hair out of the tangle it had become on her walk there. Her thin silver bracelet caught on the sleeve of her green sweater, and she pulled it away, rubbing her wrist. Sitting back, throwing her black boot-clad feet on the table, Aelin waited for a response.  
  
“Am I supposed to congratulate you for doing the bare minimum of what was required?” Rowan asked.   
  
Aelin scoffed. “And, what, I’m supposed to bow down before your great fountain of knowledge just because you’re a grad student and some PhD ego’s lackey? Hardly. Let’s get some work done.”  
  
Rowan grilled her about the chapters she had read, and the ones they had discussed from the day before. She answered all of his questions but he gave her no indication of how she had done, neither approval nor snark about how she was incorrect. She twisted her bracelet around her wrist with increasing agitation as he went on. Aelin had infinite patience where her abilities were concerned. Let him ask all the questions he wanted, but at some point, she realized, she would need feedback. That was the whole point of this shit.  
  
Just when she thought she would have no idea where she stood with him, Rowan pulled a short stack of stapled papers out of his bag and handed it to her.  
  
“What’s this?” she asked, flipping through the sheets.  
  
“A practice test. Take it. Now.”  
  
“Are you serious? We’ve been studying for two days.”  
  
Rowan just watched her, a muscle in his jaw twitching.   
  
“Fine” she said, “Do you have a pencil, then?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“But I saw you writing earlier,” she snapped back.   
  
“What I have is a fountain pen, which you cannot borrow.”  
  
Aelin burst out laughing. “A fountain pen? What are you, 80?”  
  
Rowan refused to respond, though he had controlled himself enough so that his jaw stopped twitching.   
  
“Fine,” Aelin sighed. “I have a pen in my bag. But if I have to scratch stuff out, it’s your fault.”  
  
Aelin began to work on the test. Some of the questions were those he had just asked her. No wonder he hadn’t given her any indication if she was correct or not. After about a half hour, she handed the paper back to him. It was multiple-choice; Aelin was surprised he had allowed her that much, rather than asking her to churn out essays on the spot. The 30 questions had passed fairly easily, she thought.  
  
Aelin crossed her legs and sat back in her seat as Rowan checked her work. She reminded herself to stop pulling on her bracelet or she’d have to get it repaired again. Being without it was like being without a part of herself, but worse. Smoothing her sleeve over her arm, she forced herself to still.  
  
He handed her back the exam. He had given her a 68. She needed at least a 70 to pass her tests, and she wasn’t about to accept a score anywhere near that low. Throwing the paper back to him, she stood. “You gave me a 68?” she asked.   
  
Rowan made a sound that in anyone might have been a laugh, but in him carried too much scorn. “I didn’t _give_ you 68, sweetheart. You earned that all on your own.”  
  
“Screw you. I’ll find another way to pass. Without you.” Aelin gathered her things.  
  
Rowan leaned back in his chair. “You aren’t even trying,” he said. He crossed his arms, letting the test fall to the ground. “You hardly took any time, you probably barely read the questions. You said you did the reading, that you took notes, even. Did you think I’d take one look at you and just let you have your way? Not likely.”   
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know we were at the part of the session where you gave me your opinion about my personal life. Which by the way, is incorrect. You think you’re so smart, and you have no idea.”  
  
“That’s where you are wrong. I don’t care enough to try to guess.” Rowan shrugged. “You do the work, or you don’t get through. Besides, you know your advisor will never let you pass if you don’t work with me.”  
  
Aelin stopped. “Can’t I work with someone else? What about the other tall one, the one with dark hair? Lordie or something?”  
  
Rowan burst out laughing, and Aelin glanced around to see if the noise had disturbed anyone. “Lorcan? No, princess, you’d like working with him even less than me. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, if you want to make it through this course and then on to your precious degree that you won’t even use because some frat douche will marry you and make you his trophy wife.” He grinned, throwing his boot up on the table to mimic her earlier nonchalance.   
  
“Fuck you.” Aelin grabbed her things, not bothering to put everything away in her bag, and left.  
  
****  
  
Aelin walked home, her ears ringing with the sound of blood rushing. She had passed the edge of fury and was nearly numb. That this would stop her - that this would be the thing that finally broke her, it was incomprehensible. Compared to the last few years, this should be nothing. And yet this small, insignificant person, this man she never had to see again if she could just get through these next few months, was going to derail everything she had promised.  
  
She brushed tears from her face, not caring if she smudged her make-up. She was nearly home and could fix it there, if she didn’t bury herself in the bottom of a bottle before making it to Dorian’s party.  
  
Parts of her heart had cracked and broken off, and Aelin was sure she had lost them forever. It seemed highly unfair, given that she needed them, that the ragged edges left behind felt like they would never stop bleeding. Each step away from campus felt like a grinding failure.  
  
Rain softly pelted her head, but she hadn’t brought an umbrella. She let it run down her face, mingling with the tears she couldn’t help but let fall. Her feet began to feel cold in her boots, but it didn’t matter. Every step that took her further away from the people she had loved and lost was another infinitesimal piece of herself that was being shredded away. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she would forget that she was letting them down.  
  
A car slowed beside her on the road, and she was turning to tell the driver where they could go when Lysandra’s head popped out of the passenger-side window. “Get in, bitch, we’re going to party.” With a nod, Aelin yanked open the back door of Dorian’s car, and they sped off.   
  
*****  
  
Once in the backseat, Aelin rested her head against the cushions and refused to speak. Lysandra and Dorian talked quietly to themselves, and he even turned the music down a bit. Lysandra only turned around once to ask Aelin if she needed to stop for anything before they got to Dorian’s house. She shook her head, assuming he would have everything she wanted there.  
  
Dorian lived on the outskirts of town, in a place that was far too big, considering his father was normally out of town on business and his mother was off at spa retreats so often she should have put it on her CV. During the drive, Aelin concentrated on listening to his conversation with Lysandra, eventually sitting up in her seat and leaning forward to participate.   
  
Lysandra looked back at her and offered her compact. “I think you need some work before you’re seen in public, babe.”  
  
Aelin took the mirror and groaned. Existential crises in the rain were definitely a reminder of why one should wear water-proof mascara. “Can you pull into the garage so I can run to your bathroom first?” she asked Dorian.   
  
He waved a hand back at her. “As you command, milady.”  
  
They reached the enormous mansion, meant to be a replica of some French country house where his parents had met - if that house had all the modern conveniences needed to survive boredom in the apocalypse. Dorian’s parents, while not the most nurturing, certainly made sure he never wanted for anything. Aelin’s parents had been somewhat the same, though her parents were the opposite in every way when it came to showing her how much they loved her.  
  
By the time she joined everyone in the lounge, the music was already blasting and a trashcan for empty liquor bottles was already half full. She nodded to Elide, who came bounding up to her and grasping her hands. She asked how Aelin’s classes were going, which Aelin dismissed as fine.   
  
Taking her usual comfortable seat, Aelin began her descent. One drink passed, then another, then another. A familiar haze was coming over everything, when she overheard Dorian talking.  
  
“So, you met a girl? What’s new, Dorian?” Aelin asked. She took a final swig from her beer bottle and stood to grab another from the fridge.   
  
“She’s coming over soon,” he said.   
  
“And we all can’t wait to meet her,” Lysandra said, grin on her face. “Apparently she’s quite the beauty.”  
  
“I call dibs, Lys,” Dorian said.   
  
“You can’t call dibs on a person, Dorian,” Lysandra answered. “May the best lady win.” She raised her drink and finished the half-full cup in one go.  
  
“What’s her name?” Aelin asked. She might prefer oblivion, but someone, a long time ago, had told her not to isolate. So she would try.  
  
“Manon.” Dorian checked his phone. “Ah, she’s pulling up, I’ll be right back.” He jumped up to greet his new mystery woman, and Lysandra stood to get another drink.   
  
“This ought to be interesting,” she said. “Do you need anything, Aelin?”  
  
She shook her head. “Nope. I have everything I need,” she said, raising her bottle in her hand, the silver bracelet sliding down her arm. “Right here.”  
  
Towards the end of the evening, Aelin found herself with a joint in her hand. Taking two hits and passing it on, she leaned back into her couch. Oblivion was what she wanted, what she needed, and the fuzz of alcohol was increased by the drug entering her system. It was much, much easier to forget her promises when she wasn’t sure where she was one moment to the next. She stood and started to dance, grabbing another beer from someone she didn’t recognize. They didn’t protest though, when she gave them a look.  
  
Time passed, Aelin had no idea how much, when she stopped swinging her hips, certain she had misheard the new male voice that was added to the din in the room.   
  
Rowan fucking Whitethorn was standing near the entrance to the room, him and his friend Lordie. She shot a look to Dorian, who fell into step as she approached the two.   
  
“What are you doing here?” she asked Rowan.   
  
She wouldn’t bother with the other one if she could get Rowan gone, but she did make sure to draw the dark-haired one’s attention away from Elide when she saw his gaze fall on her.   
  
Turning back to Rowan, she crossed her arms rather clumsily. This was the problem with weed when it did what you wanted it to - it was difficult to stay mad when you kept forgetting everything from one moment to the next. She was sure that she had something to be upset about though, and he seemed as good a target as any.  
  
“One of my friends said there was a party and I should come. Aedion.”  
  
“Wait, you know Aedion?” Aelin asked.   
  
“Yeah, why?  
  
“He’s my cousin.”   
  
Rowan nodded. “I see the resemblance. He doesn’t seem to take anything seriously, much like you.”  
  
“Get out. Now,” she ground out.   
  
Dorian stood behind Aelin, his arms crossed. He wouldn’t move until she gave him the word, but they both knew she wouldn’t need to.  
  
Rowan raised his hands. “I’m gone. I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of undergrads anyway.”  
  
“I’m not a child, Rowan.”  
  
He turned back before he left. “What do you care if I think you are?”   
  
He shut the door behind himself before she could answer, but she whispered anyway. “I don’t.”   
  
Aelin stalked out to the back balcony of Dorian’s house and ignored the cold that wrapped around her. The sliding glass door opened and shut behind her, and she waited for Lysandra to start speaking.   
  
“So, I think Rowan definitely knows he shouldn’t fuck with you. And he knows where he’s not welcome.” She stepped up to the railing next to Aelin and looked out into the dark sky. They could actually see stars, this far out of the city, and Aelin searched for the constellations that had kept her grounded, in the months after her parents had died.   
  
“You don’t have to like him, you know,” Lysandra said. “You just need to get through this course. And I thought I saw something there, something more than anger.” Aelin looked over at her so quickly she nearly strained her neck.   
  
“It might do you good, is all. After Sam, and Chaol-“  
  
“Stop,” Aelin said angrily. “Not now. Not ever. I’m done.”  
  
Lysandra put her arm around Aelin’s shoulder. No one else would have dared, not in that moment, and likely not in any other. Lysandra rested her head against Aelin’s neck, and merely said “OK.”  
  
“Do you think,” Aelin began to ask, “Do you think that Sam would recognize me?” She slurred the last words, making herself feel even more of a failure. She suddenly wished that she hadn’t had a single drink, that the stink of pot wasn’t clinging to her hair, that she’d had her wits about her when Rowan had shown up. And most of all, she wished that she could know if everyone she lost would have still loved her, even now, wasted and miserable.  
  
“Of course he would, babe. He loved you, and he saw all of it. He knew everything, and he still chose you. Even when Arobynn made it impossible.” Lysandra’s voice caught at that last name.   
  
Tears began to pour down Aelin’s face and Lysandra gripped her tighter. The memory of Sam’s smiling optimism and unending determination, even after what he had been through, shredded at her heart a bit more each day. The girl she had been while he was around seemed further away now than she ever had, and Aelin sobbed, covering her mouth to stifle the sound. Aelin heard Lysandra sniffle, and she turned to her friend to bury her face in her chest, letting the tears come freely.


	4. A Glimpse of Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin tries to find out if it is possible to work with someone other than Rowan, and gets new insight into his personal life.

The next morning, headache and stench of pot be damned, Aelin woke determined to talk to the professor who had assigned her to work with Rowan. Morning had a way of bringing fresh perspective, and though her cheeks were still streaked with tears and she had to scrub away the previous day’s make-up, she decided she would still force herself out of bed to walk out of her front door.  
  
But first, she needed a shower and a good breakfast. Aelin pushed play on her phone and let the music take her away as she cooked, just for these few minutes allowing herself to forget that her closest friends and family were dead, and that the one person from her childhood who was still left in her life found every opportunity he could to make her pay for having gone off to college.  
  
Aelin lived alone, one of the few virtues of the money her parents had left her. She would have rather had them around, bothering her about coming home at a reasonable hour and sniffing her breath (even though she was legal to drink, she liked to imagine this would be the case). But at least this way she didn’t have to be accountable to anyone but herself and whoever might be pissed she hadn’t texted back.  
  
Checking her phone, Aelin let out a small laugh to see the string of messages and Snapchats Lysandra had left her. If there was one thing she could count on, it would be her best friend to distract her from the mess her life had become. She scrolled through the images as she got ready to go to campus. Aelin took a bit more care in dressing that day, as this professor was an intimidating woman in the sense that she had ultimate power over whether or not Aelin could achieve her goals, and she seemed none too keen on making it easy.  
  
As she stood before the mirror, Aelin ran through the plan in her mind. Rowan was an ass, he was impossible, she did the work and he refused to see it. She would show her advisor her notes, the effort she had put into this, and ask to be assigned a different tutor. Surely, he wasn’t the only one capable of helping her get through this 20th Century European History course.  
  
Aelin finished her breakfast and made her way to campus on foot. It wasn’t far, the location being one of her main criteria in finding an apartment. It may as well have been a different world, compared to where her parents had come from.  
  
When she reached campus, Aelin swung the door to the history building open and looked down at the tile floor until she had nearly found the door she was looking for. Looking up, she groaned to see Rowan leaning against a wall, headphones in and flipping through another research article, pen in hand.  
  
At least he had left last night before she had her breakdown with Lys. At least he had had the sense to leave her alone in the few minutes a day he wasn’t harassing her about how much she didn’t know, about how incompetent she was.  
  
Aelin crossed her arms and leaned against the wall next to Rowan. “Why are you here?”  
  
“I have a meeting,” Rowan replied. “Hello, by the way.”  
  
Aelin rolled her eyes. “Are we on those terms? I hadn’t realized.”  
  
“You mean where people say ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘my, what shit weather we are having?’” he asked. “I think that’s something even mortal enemies can manage. Which I’m not, you know.”  
  
“What, you are no one’s mortal enemy? Hard to believe.” Aelin pulled her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her notifications.  
  
“I mean I’m not _your_ mortal enemy.” He tapped the papers in his hand, contemplating her. “So,” Rowan began. If she hadn’t known better, Aelin might have sworn he was trying to make up for something. “What are you doing here, exactly?”  
  
Without glancing up from her phone, Aelin answered, “Trying to get rid of you.”  
  
“Sorry I asked,” Rowan said. He propped one black leather booted-foot behind himself against the wall.  
  
“I’m being serious. I’m trying to get a different tutor.” Aelin turned her phone screen off and looked up at him. “I just need to talk to the woman who assigned me to you.”  
  
“I told you that was pointless,” Rowan said. “My advisor is determined to make me do this, for some reason I can’t discern.”  
  
“Well, they’ll just have to talk to each other and come to some sort of agreement, won’t they?” Aelin asked. She paused. This was the history department, and Rowan was waiting there for some reason. “What are you here for, exactly? Why are you in this hallway?”  
  
“I’m here to talk to my advisor. Maeve,” Rowan answered.  
  
“Are you kidding me? So the one person who has the ultimate control over both our lives happens to be the same person?” Aelin slumped against the wall and slid down, down, down, until she was sitting in the hallway. “Fuck me,” she whispered.  
  
“I tried to tell you, Aelin.” Rowan rearranged the papers he had in his hand and pulled his bag from the floor to shove them inside.  
  
“Don’t call me that,” she snapped.  
  
“What? Don’t call you by your name?”  
  
“Don’t say it like you know me,” she responded. “You know nothing.”  
  
“You’ve made that abundantly clear.” Rowan began to say something else when the woman they were both waiting for stepped outside of her office.  
  
Maeve was tall, perfectly put-together, and seemed like the type of woman who wouldn’t approve of a saint on their best day. She crossed her arms, her heels clicking on the tiled floor. Looking from Rowan to Aelin, she said each of their names in a croon that made Aelin’s toes curl.  
  
Standing, Aelin returned the greeting. “Maeve.”  
  
“Why don’t you both come in?” Maeve asked. She stood aside to let them in, but Rowan and Aelin exchanged a look.  
  
“I don’t think that’s appropriate,” Rowan began, at the same time that Aelin began to utter the same protest.  
  
“I insist,” Maeve said. She refused to move an inch, and Aelin gathered her resolve as she followed Rowan into the spacious room.  
  
Aelin had only been there once, but it had been enough. She might have tried to do this all through email, if she hadn’t recognized that Maeve wasn’t the type to hear pleas for mercy electronically. Perhaps not at all, based on her limited knowledge.  
  
Rowan and Aelin each took seats across Maeve’s desk, as the tall black-haired professor took her seat. She seemed amused, though Aelin could hardly guess why. In her place, it would have been a dread, trying to resolve a squabble between two headstrong students.  
  
“So, what have you come to talk to me about, Aelin?”  
  
Straight to the point, then. Aelin sat up straighter. “I need another tutor. One besides Rowan. Our… personalities, they don’t mesh well.”  
  
“Tell me more.” Maeve waived a manicured hand over her desk and Aelin pursed her lips.  
  
“OK. Well, I have done the work that Rowan has asked, but he still isn’t satisfied. I think that I would do better if I had someone else to work with. Like Lorcan, or another of your graduate students? I can pay, if that’s an issue.”  
  
A clock hung on Maeve’s wall ticked, and Aelin was forced to speak again.  
  
“I am willing to do the work, but only with someone who can at least recognize the fact that I’ve done it.” Aelin glanced at Rowan, and frowned at the sight of his hands gripping the armrests of his chair. “So I’ve just come to ask that you reconsider this assignment.”  
  
Maeve raised a perfectly-groomed eyebrow and turned to look at Rowan. “And what do you have to say to this?”  
  
“I’ll do whatever you ask,” he answered. Aelin nearly started out of her chair at the near subservience with which he had responded to Maeve. This was not the Rowan she knew, the one who had no problem telling her exactly what he thought. She glanced back and forth between the two, student and advisor, and frowned.  
  
Maeve smiled, pleased and yet somehow expecting this response. “I think that there is no one else who will do the job, Aelin. You will continue working with Rowan, if you would like to pass the requirements this department’s requirements.”  
  
Aelin reached forward to place her fist on the desk, but Maeve continued. “Unfortunately, I don’t have time to discuss this, not when there is someone so willing to teach, paired with someone so willing to learn. I have a committee meeting in a few minutes, and then a grant proposal to write and then I need to review Rowan’s dissertation proposal revisions. Or would you rather I wait to respond to those?” Maeve asked this last question sweetly, as if it were a favor she was doing Rowan.  
  
“No,” he answered gruffly. “No, I’d like your thoughts.”  
  
“Alright,” Maeve responded. She stood, smoothing her pencil skirt and then bracing her hands on her desk. “Then I suppose we have nothing further to discuss?” Her intonation raised at the end of her sentence, but Aelin recognized a command when she heard one.  
  
Rowan and Aelin stood in unison, and Aelin followed him out of the door. Blinking, she waited for his gaze to meet hers.  
  
“So, that’s your advisor? Why?” She couldn’t help but sound incredulous.  
  
“Yeah, and don’t ask. It’s not your business,” Rowan said. “I told you, if she says we are working together, that’s it. Otherwise you won’t pass.”  
  
Aelin nodded slowly. “Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. Same time, same place. Just text me whatever reading I need to do.” She had a faraway look in her eyes as she tried to reconcile the gruff, rude exterior of the Rowan she knew, with the one who had just appeared in that office.  
  
Rowan turned to leave, his shoulders hunkered down, another contrast to the way that he normally carried himself.  
  
“Rowan?” Aelin said.  
  
He stopped and turned back towards her.  
  
Aelin had no plan of what to say. The sound of his name coming from her lips felt right, like it might comfort him, though she didn’t know why, and what for. Surely he wasn’t going through anything worse than any other grad student in the department, and she didn’t owe him anything.  
  
Her phone buzzed, breaking into her thoughts.  
  
“Never mind. Sorry. See you tomorrow.” Aelin pulled her phone from her pocket and made a show of checking it, hoping he would leave.  
  
Rowan nodded and walked away, shoving the door open with more force than was necessary as he left.  
  
Aelin looked down at the phone she had gripped in her hand. It was Dorian, this time. She had promised to meet up with him so that she could finally meet this mysterious Manon woman. She shot him a quick text saying she was on her way before gathering her bag and heading back home to change into something more suitable for going out.  
  
On her way back home, Aelin walked back through the encounter with Maeve and Rowan, trying to figure out why she suddenly felt some sort of camaraderie with him. It had happened the moment that office door had opened and Maeve stepped out, somehow seeming predatory in her invitation for the two of them to enter her office. The woman had always seemed over-confident, but the way she impressed her will on Rowan with little effort had shocked Aelin.  
  
A slight drizzle fell on her on the short walk home, but Aelin hardly noticed. She didn’t have the time to deal with Rowan’s problems on top of her own. Nor did she care. She forced her thoughts to the work she needed to do for the coming week, making a mental list and planning out when she could complete it.  
  
As she entered her front door, Aelin grasped her wrist. Her bracelet. It was gone, and she had walked so much that day. A heavy weight sunk in her stomach, and she thought she might be sick. The memory of the moment she had received it, as well as the grin of the person who had given it to her, created a lightness and a weight in her at the same time. With no other choice, she turned around and retraced her steps, only to come up empty and text Lysandra to help her in the cause.


	5. Shadows of the past on the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin spends time at a local bar with her friends. Come Monday, Aelin meets up with Rowan and she asks if he has seen her bracelet.

Finally, it was fucking Friday.  
  
Aelin had plans to meet Lysandra, Dorian, Manon, Elide, and Aedion for drinks after she had her last class of the day. It may have been early in the afternoon, but she had no problems getting a jump on oblivion.  
  
She checked her phone once before taking off down the sidewalk towards the bar. The usual suspects appeared in her notifications, but she didn’t bother responding to any of the messages, since the walk would only take a few minutes.  
  
Their favorite place to drink wasn’t directly next to campus, but down a side street that most college students were too intimidated to venture down. It was a shithole, but Aelin thought of it fondly. They’d served her there even when they knew she was underage, but the bartender had always looked out for her. Now that she was legal and the thrill of breaking the law had worn off, it was still her favorite place to get comfortable, chat with friends when she was in the mood, and dance the night away when she wasn’t.  
  
Not everyone who was gathering that afternoon knew one another. Aedion had never met Lysandra, Aelin had never met Manon, and there were some other combinations in there she couldn’t think of, but it wouldn’t be a problem. Alcohol was a great equalizer, and her main goal wasn’t to socialize, anyway.  
  
Sliding into the bar, Aelin gave her eyes a moment to adjust to the dark. Even in the middle of the day this place gave one the impression that it was pitch-black outside. This place always had the same sense of timelessness, which had the nice effect of helping her to forget that a real world actually existed, and with it, her problems. Lysandra came bounding up to her, grabbing at her elbow.  
  
“Aelin, Dorian got Manon to come after all, and he’s just so screwed, it’s hilarious. You have to come watch this.” Lysandra tugged at Aelin’s sleeve. “I’ll catch you up on what you missed later. She’s so pretty, by the way, I wasn’t kidding when I said I might be interested.”  
  
Aelin pulled her arm away. “Let me get a drink first, Lys.”  
  
“I’ll come with you, and I’m buying.”  
  
Aelin started to protest, but Lysandra grabbed her hand. “After the week you’ve had, you deserve it.” Lys pushed up Aelin’s sleeve and rubbed her thumb on Aelin’s bare wrist. “We’ll find it. Promise.”  
  
Nodding, Aelin let Lysandra guide her to the bar and buy her first drink before they made their way to the corner where their other friends were sitting. Somehow, it was even darker than the other parts of the bar.  
  
The woman Aelin assumed was Manon was seated in between Dorian and Elide, and she seemed equally amused by both of them. Manon’s long, white hair and beauty made an impression even here in the dark, and Aelin ceased wondering about Dorian’s obsession. Introductions were made, and Aelin settled into a seat next to Lysandra. Lysandra, she noticed, had made sure to sit next to Dorian, within listening distance to whatever he and Manon might be saying.  
  
When Dorian asked how her classes were going, Aelin’s answer was brief, but he let it drop. They had known each other a few years now, and he knew she’d share when she was ready. But it definitely was not on a Friday afternoon, with all of that work behind her.  
  
The next couple of hours passed in a haze that increased with each trip Lysandra made to the bar to refresh their drinks. Aelin made a mental note to pay her back the next day, but subtly. They were two sides of the same coin, supportive of one another, if not exactly known for being kind. Aelin knew that she owed Lysandra everything, and that Lys thought the same, but Aelin was certain she had the upper hand on who would be the better friend, since she was certain she would never actually be worthy of all that Lys had offered her.  
  
All Aelin could do was help those she loved, and try to refuse whatever they had to offer in return. It was the least she owed the world.  
  
Aedion joined the group an hour in. More introductions were made, and he stared so obviously at Lysandra that Aelin forced him to sit across from her. Eventually, Aelin lost herself in the music, resting back in her seat, watching her friends laugh and talk and enjoy the night.  
  
Countless drinks in, laughter echoed across the table and Aelin glanced over. Elide had said something charming, apparently, and her face was flushed and glowing. Her eyes were glued on Manon, who reached over to tuck a strand of hair behind Elide’s ear.  
  
“Dorian, I think you really do have competition, but not from me.” Lysandra raised her eyebrows and pointed her gaze towards the other end of the table, where Manon and Elide were huddled together, talking in hushed voices.  
  
Dorian frowned. “What the fuck.”  
  
Manon turned to him when she heard the curse. “Pardon?”  
  
“Nothing,” Dorian mumbled.  
  
Manon shifted in her seat so that she could reach over to him and placed her hand on his knee. “Do you want to go smoke what you brought?”  
  
Dorian sat up straighter. “Yeah. Let’s go outside.”  
  
Manon nodded and grabbed Elide’s hand. “The three of us.”  
  
Dorian looked over at Elide, sizing her up. “Alright.” He shot Aelin a thumbs-up behind his back and they walked towards the entrance, and Aelin laughed out loud. Lysandra asked her what was so funny, but she just shook her head. Jumping up, she ran to join the trio outside of the entrance of the bar. Luckily, it was so secluded that smoking a joint just outside the front door was still doing it in a back alley. Another one of her favorite parts of this place.  
  
By the time that they returned, Aelin was feeling pretty good in the sense that she had forgotten how shitty she felt on an average day. It wasn’t quite the same as happiness, but it would do, for now. Until she got her shit straightened out, which she assumed would either be any day now, or never. At the moment, it didn’t matter.  
  
Dorian, Manon, and Elide sat back down where they had been, much more relaxed in one another’s presence. It would be interesting, seeing how that might turn out.  
  
Aelin wanted to dance and make the most of the night, but her gaze caught on Aedion, who was sitting a bit too close to Lysandra. Lys was sitting with her back against her chair and her arms crossed, while Aedion was leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees.  
  
Walking up behind them, Aelin tapped Aedion on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you?” she yelled in his ear, a bit too loudly, even considering the music.  
  
“Sure?” He glanced at Lysandra. “Hold that thought.”  
  
Aelin grabbed Aedion’s elbow and pulled him to the opposite end of the small space. “Hey!” she shouted at Aedion over the music. She shook her head at him. “No. Not Lysandra. Not a minute before she says she’s fucking ready. You hear me?”  
  
“Aelin, what the fuck?”  
  
“I just… you don’t know, Aedion.” Aelin’s brow furrowed, as if she were searching for something. “You don’t know what he did to us…” Her voice trailed off as she tried to remember her point, why she needed to be so angry and protective. Damn alcohol and damn pot, for making her this way in the few moments she needed to have her wits about her.  
  
“What don’t I know, Aelin?” Aedion answered more gently that time, stepping in closer to her.  
  
Aelin and Aedion had been close, as children. That was, before it all went to hell and people started dying around her. But what had happened between then and now wasn’t entirely known to him, and she wanted to keep it that way.  
  
She blinked, trying to return her expression to neutral. “Just be careful with her, ok? Lys, she acts strong, but sometimes she needs help. She needs my help.” Aelin brushed past Aedion and sat back down next to her best friend.  
  
When Aedion sat back down with them, he was much more reserved, and even a blitzed Aelin could tell that he was watching them for some hint as to what she hadn’t told him. They were too used to those kind of looks though, Aelin and Lysandra. They’d had years of practice with Arobynn, pretending everything was fine. He would never figure anything out that she hadn’t decided to tell him outright.  
  
After a while, Aelin tilted her head towards the restroom when she caught Lysandra’s eye. Something had refused to leave her mind, even now, even three sheets and a joint to the wind.  
  
“Watch my drink?” she asked Dorian. She and Lys stood and linked arms as they headed to the women’s room.  
  
Aelin closed and locked the room behind them while Lysandra rested against the sink and crossed her arms. “What’s up?”  
  
“I just needed a moment of quiet. I love you guys but honestly, you’re the only person I can be alone with. You know?”  
  
Lys nodded. “I know, babe. Do you need to talk about anything?”  
  
Aelin shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. I have no idea.” She leaned against the wall and covered her face with her hands. Groaning loudly into them, she let her arms fall back down by her side. “Actually, yeah. I had an interesting thing happen yesterday. With Rowan.”  
  
Lysandra placed her hands on the edge of the sink and pulled herself to sit on its edge. “What did His Royal Assholeishness do this time?”  
  
“Nothing. At least, nothing intentional. I went to go ask Maeve if I could get another tutor, and wouldn’t you know, Rowan is her grad student. And she assigned him to me on purpose.”  
  
“You’re kidding… Why?” Lysandra reconsidered. “That doesn’t matter, I suppose. But she said no, I assume?”  
  
“Yep,” Aelin answered. “She said no. But the weird thing is that Rowan seemed… intimidated by her? It was just really weird. It kinda made me wonder what his deal is. That’s all. I guess it wasn’t really that big a deal, it was just, after the way he treats me, all gruff and being a jerk and like his shit doesn’t stink? To see him like that? Kinda vulnerable or something? It really threw me.”  
  
“And even now, on a Friday evening, you are here thinking about it, pulling me into the bathroom to talk about it?” Lysandra asked.  
  
Aelin frowned. “I don’t know why I brought it up.”  
  
“So what, do you like this guy now?”  
  
Aelin laughed. “No! It’s just that I thought he was a total douche, that’s it, no personality traits outside of those that have the potential to make me freaking miserable. But then yesterday, I thought I saw something else, I guess.”  
  
Lysandra stroked her chin and looked contemplative. “Yes, yes, I see. Go on.”  
  
Aelin punched her in the arm, nearly knocking Lysandra over. “Don’t do that! Get your psych classes out of my personal life.”  
  
Lysandra laughed as she righted herself. She jumped down from the sink and linked arms with Aelin again. “Come on, let’s go get fucked up. And we can find someone to take your mind off Rowan. Not because you want him!” she added quickly. “Just because, ya know, you’re young, you deserve some fun.”  
  
Aelin rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you just want to talk to Aedion some more.”  
  
Lysandra shrugged. “Him, Manon, really, I can’t decide.”  
  
“I think Manon has enough competition. Not that you wouldn’t win. But you don’t want to piss off Dorian and Elide at the same time, would you?”  
  
“Good point,” Lysandra replied, the lock on the door clicking open as they rejoined the din of the bar.  
  
*****  
  
Monday morning came, and with it, the usual attendant feeling of dread. Surely, adulthood couldn’t merely be a collection of moments in which one waited until they had the freedom to get wasted again, but that’s certainly what Aelin’s life was shaping out to be. Somewhere, deep inside, she was ashamed. Ashamed that she chose to ignore, to forget, rather than to face her past and deal with that pain. And yet, there didn’t seem to be an end to this cycle. Not that she could see.  
  
Walking to her tutoring session with Rowan was no time to contemplate that, however. As she approached the room she noticed that he sat facing the glass wall so that he could see her approach, and she snickered.  
  
“Good afternoon,” he said as she entered. He closed the book he had been reading from, something dense and practically unintelligible.  
  
“Hi,” she responded. “How are you?” She nearly grimaced at herself. Small talk. Gross.  
  
“I’m fine, but I think I’d be better off finding out how your weekend went. You know, if you did any work?”  
  
“I got it done,” Aelin snapped. “If you saw me at the bar, it doesn’t mean anything.” She slumped into her usual seat. “I’m always functional, even on several drinks.”  
  
“Oh,” Rowan said, “I believe it. But let’s get to work, shall we?”  
  
Aelin nodded. “Sure. OK.”  
  
Rowan began to quiz her, pushing for context and cause and all the things she figured by now that he would be looking for. In the midst of his explanations of the gaps she had in her answers, Aelin reached down for her wrist, circling it with her thumb and forefinger. Her stomach dropped again, remembering what she lacked. What she had lost.  
  
“Why do you keep doing that?” Rowan asked, looking at her hands.  
  
She pulled her hands under the table. “I lost something.” She sat up straighter. “Actually, maybe you’ve seen it? A silver bracelet, with an engraving?”  
  
Rowan shook his head slowly. “What’s the engraving?”  
  
“Just some names. I was thinking that since we tend to hang around the same places, you might have noticed it. That’s all.”  
  
“Whose names?” Rowan asked quietly. This was going too far, and they both knew it.  
  
“Friends. Family. I’m not going to give you a history lesson, Rowan, that’s your job. And I am certainly not the topic.” Aelin bit her lower lip and opened her book. “Can we get going?”  
  
They spent the next two hours in calm discussion. Or rather, it was a relative calm. Rowan still pushed Aelin further, harder than she expected, and she still snapped back at him, but at least it wasn’t getting personal, this time.  
  
Stretching and raising her arms above her head, Aelin let out a yawn.  
  
“You done for the day, then?” he asked her.  
  
“Only if you are,” she responded.  
  
Shutting the textbook in front of him, Rowan nodded in the affirmative. “I think we’re at a good stopping point.”  
  
Aelin sat back in her chair and remained silent for a moment.  
  
“What is it, Aelin?”  
  
After so few days, he thought he knew her? Whatever, it didn’t matter. Aelin had questions.  
  
“You have a pale mark on your finger,” she said plainly. She looked at his left hand, and he quickly pulled it under the desk.  
  
“What of it?” he asked brusquely.  
  
“What are you missing? What did you lose?” She watched him as her own hand encircled her bare wrist. “Or who?” She was taking a step too far, and she knew it. Aelin watched as Rowan lost control of his expression, for the first time since she had met him. The fear that Maeve had instilled in him was nothing, compared to this. This was real, true pain.  
  
Rowan placed his hand on the table, palm down, fingers spread, so she could easily see the place where a ring had been. She sat up, expectantly.  
  
“It’s none of your business,” he ground out.  
  
“Fine,” she said, slamming her book shut. “So you don’t ask about me, and I won’t ask about you. Neither of our histories are the topic for discussion, right?”  
  
“Sounds perfect,” he answered.  
  
Aelin called Lysandra on her way home, asking when they could meet for drinks.


	6. A Shimmer of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Dorian have a talk, and Rowan has a surprise gift for Aelin.

Aelin woke the next morning with a bit more of a painful thudding in her head than she had counted on. She probably should have forced herself to be sick before she went to bed. As it was, the amount of alcohol she’d imbibed with Lysandra was going to do her no favors when she went to class. That was, if she could drag her sorry ass out of bed.  
  
She reached over to her nightstand blindly, grasping for her phone. Groaning, she saw that she had a text reminding her what pages of the history textbook she was supposed to read, and when to be at the study room next. When had she given Rowan her number? That was a mistake, and she ran a mental tally of her responsibilities for the day to figure out if she had time to stop buy a store and get a new phone, and with it, a new phone number.   
  
Aelin contemplated texting back - something along the lines of ‘new phone, who dis?’ - but figured that might not be enough to put Rowan off. He’d probably be stodgy and logical and google her or some shit, finding our her number hadn’t changed. And then he’d respond with complete seriousness, adding on a few pages of homework just to screw with her. What the fuck ever. She typed out her response, a short “OK”, and hit send. Rolling over, Aelin shoved her blanket to the side of the bed and stumbled into the bathroom.  
  
Filling up her bathtub, Aelin ran her hand through the hot water. Stripping, she plunged herself beneath the surface, ignoring the protests that rang through every inch of her skin. Maybe, if she forced herself to stay there, she would forget what she had to do. Perhaps, she would even forget who she was. When she finally allowed herself to come up for air, Aelin pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging them in tight. The sound of her breath reverberated against the tiles, and she wondered when it would stop. The momentary discomfort of the scalding water could only do so much to help her forget that Nehemia and Sam had died, that her parents were gone, that she had miles to go before she could sleep.   
  
Knowing she couldn’t stop until she had completed her promises to friends and family, Aelin washed her hair, stood quickly so that the water splashed onto the floor, and threw on the nearest towel she could find, not bothering to clean up any mess she might have left behind.  
  
The brisk walk to campus was enough to sober her up, though the experience of bending over to dry her hair had been an unexpected test of her balance. Luckily, she gave zero fucks about how she looked at the moment, and had been able to cut short her usual routine by throwing on the clothes that were nearby on the foot of her bed. Aelin had given them a quick sniff to test - she wasn’t a total heathen - before deciding that they were passable.   
  
As she approached the library, and the study room where Rowan was waiting for her, Aelin checked her phone again. Another text from Rowan told her that she was off the hook for the day. Apparently an emergency had taken him away for the morning, and he wouldn’t be available until the next day. Glancing around, she took mental stock of where her friends would be. Lysandra would be in class, as would Elide. Aedion was at work this time of day, but Dorian… he might be around. Shooting him a quick text, Aelin took a seat on the bench in the middle of the quad, crossing her legs.   
  
After a while, Aelin caught the familiar swagger of one of her dearest friends out of the corner of her eye. Dorian was dressed in dark navy and grey, effortlessly cool. She might have begrudged him the style that she knew came from little more than rolling out of bed and throwing on a few choice pieces of attire, if she didn’t frequently go for the same herself.  
  
Dorian reached Aelin and stopped inches away from her without saying anything. She untangled her legs and stood. Cuffing him on the shoulder, Aelin jutted her chin out to Dorian. “How’s it going?”  
  
“I think I should be asking you that.” He fingered the collar of her shirt, feeling the fabric between his fingers. “This isn’t up to your standards.” Dorian leaned in closer and sniffed. “At least you showered, even if you do have a hint of distillery about you.”  
  
Aelin pushed Dorian away gently. “Get off, will you. I’m fine.” She shoved her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket and took in a deep breath, pretending to find something over his shoulder very interesting. “Besides,” she added, looking back at him, “Don’t you have bigger things to worry about? A certain white-haired beauty, for example?”  
  
Dorian chuckled, but there was something half-hearted about it. “Don’t you tell me you have a crush on her too.” Aelin snorted in reply. “Manon is… complicated. I’m still trying to figure out what she wants. I think she is too.” His brow furrowed.   
  
“Wow, so deep for so early in the morning.” Aelin sat back down on the bench, patting the empty space next to her. “Anything I can help with?”  
  
Dorian shook his head as he joined her on the bench. “No. I don’t think so. Maybe I’ll ask you to decode her texts for me one of these days or something.”  
  
“Come on, Dorian, you should know a thing or two about women by now. Like the fact that when they say something, they might just possibly mean it.”   
  
Now it was Dorian’s turn to look away, and Aelin gave him a moment. “She’s not like anyone I’ve met before. Everyone else has seemed… easy.” Dorian cringed at his own description, and Aelin raised an eyebrow.  
  
“I’m sorry, are you saying the two hot, slutty weeks we had together were easy? I think I might be offended, Dorian Havilliard.”  
  
“That’s not what I meant, Aelin. You are definitely not easy. You are more…”  
  
“High maintenance?” she offered.  
  
Dorian raised his hands in surrender. “You said it, not me.”  
  
“What about Elide?” Aelin asked. Dorian raised an eyebrow. “How does she figure into it,” Aelin continued. “Are you all going to be a big happy family?”  
  
Dorian laughed again, hollow. “You were right. It’s far too early for this sort of conversation.” Standing, he offered Aelin his arm. “Shall we go find somewhere to pass the time in mutual misery and pining, milady?”  
  
“Misery, yes,” Aelin answered, standing and accepting the proffered arm. “Pining, no.”  
  
Dorian gasped in mock surprise. “You mean to tell me that our mutual friend Lysandra has been deceitful? That when she speaks of you and this ‘Rowan’ character, it isn’t in the sense of romantic attachment?”  
  
Aelin rolled her eyes and leaned in closer to Dorian, pressing her weight enough to throw him off balance. “No, not at all. Lysandra is full of shit. Rowan is about as likable as a goose who insists on shitting on the sidewalk when you just wanted to have a nice stroll.”  
  
Dorian snickered. “Well, at least I can count on your honesty. What’s going on though, Aelin?” He waited in silence. They walked together across campus, dried brown leaves crossing their path and the nondescript grey of the clouds pressing in on them as much as if they had been black.   
  
“I’m not sure. I mean…” Aelin trailed off and avoided Dorian’s gaze. “I’m not sure what my parents wanted. I think there is a lot they never told me. Never got a chance to tell me. And I’m not sure about what Nehemia or Sam would have expected of me.” Aelin stopped walking, pulled her arm away from Dorian and pulled her jacket in close to herself.   
  
Dorian knew everything about what she had gone through these last few years. He hadn’t been around when her parents died, but he, like everyone else, knew some of the more gruesome details that the tabloids had chosen to publish. He didn’t know Sam - they met soon after that incident - but Nehemia had been a good friend to them both. Aelin knew that Dorian had his own losses pressing on him, his own ghosts, though he hid them well with his tailored clothing and laissez-faire attitude towards his responsibilities that he still managed to accomplish with aplomb. Yet they’d made a point to be there for one another, no matter what.  
  
After a minute of silence, Aelin looked up. “I’m lost.” She didn’t have to add, in more ways than one.  
  
Dorian nodded, and offered his arm again. “Allow me to escort you then, madame.”  
  
*****  
  
Dorian had been true to his word and taken her exactly where she needed to go. It had turned out to be nowhere in particular. They went from one park to another, feeding ducks and chasing away squirrels, finding food from a street vendor before continuing back to campus. So she would miss her classes, despite being outside the buildings they were held in. It hardly seemed worthwhile, when no one was waiting back home for her to accomplish anything.  
  
The next day, Aelin nearly had energy in her step as she approached the study room where Rowan was waiting for her. A day away must have done her some good, even if he had been sure to send her more pages to read and take notes on.   
  
Pushing the glass door open, she began their conversation immediately. “So, are you feeling better, princess?” She grinned in an attempt to lighten the mood before he could taint it with his own. For all the gloom and doom Aelin felt inside, she never meant to spread it to others, while Rowan seemed to care very little about the effect he had. Perhaps he even wanted to make everyone else feel as miserable as he did, his life being an endless cycle of research that would never be good enough for the academic community at large as long as Maeve was around to overshadow him.   
  
Rowan cocked his head. “Who says I wasn’t feeling well?” The table in front of him was cleared of his usual piles of research papers and books. His black wool coat was arranged carefully on the back of his chair, and his hands were clasped together in his lap. Aelin wondered if he had been sitting there for a while, in silence.   
  
Aelin sat down in her usual seat, opening her backpack and pulling out her laptop. She glanced at her bare wrist and frowned before looking back up at him. “I guess I assumed you were sick or something. That’s all.” She sat back in her chair, making a show of stretching her neck and cracking her knuckles.   
  
“So, where were we? Anymore dates you want to wring from me? What about laws, battles, proclamations? I’m ready.” She placed her palms on the table. “You might want to get your stuff out, though. Aren’t the academic police going to come find you if they discover you’ve let yourself go two minutes without reading some peer-reviewed articles or some shit?”   
  
Rowan held his closed fist out towards her in a gesture that was clearly meant for her to extend her own. He was handing her something, though who knew what. Aelin reached towards him, palm open.  
  
A flash of silver passed out of Rowan’s hand into her own, and Aelin gasped as the familiar metal fell into her hand. Her bracelet. He’d found her bracelet, and hadn’t told her.   
  
She ran the links of the bracelet through her fingers, feeling the names engraved on the plate that took up a significant portion of its length. She knew them by heart, had gone to those grooves for comfort time and again. It had been over a week since she’d lost it. She had asked him about it, and he had lied to her.   
  
Aelin stood, pushing her chair back from the table. “Why did you have this? How long have you had it?” The idea of the names of her loved ones in his hands made her shake with anger. Rowan had no right.  
  
“I found it last week. After you asked me about it. It was in here, actually. A link had broken.”  
  
Aelin looked down at the bracelet. “But there’s nothing wrong with it.” She opened the clasp and struggled to work it on her own. She never took it off, and her surprise at finding it in Rowan’s possession made it difficult for her to put it back on.   
  
Rowan nodded. “I had it repaired for you. I didn’t know how long it would take, and I thought you’d be upset if you knew it had broken.” He stood and looked at her wrist. “May I?”  
  
Aelin held her arm out and he took over, his large hands surprisingly adept at working the metal. His fingers brushed her wrist as she lowered her arm to her side, the cool, familiar weight already calming her nerves. “But why?” Aelin asked. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” he confessed. “I had it for a day or two, before I could decide what to do. I didn’t want to bother you, outside of our sessions. I figured you wouldn’t want to see me any more than necessary.”  
  
“Well guessed, but you knew that I was looking for this, Rowan.”  
  
“I know. When I found it, I read the names. I already knew who your parents were, but the other two names, I didn’t recognize them. And I’m not going to ask, so don’t worry.”  
  
Aelin flinched. Of course he would know who her parents had been. He hadn’t said anything before, but she’d caught him staring at her. She just figured he was being his usual calculating self, but it turned out he knew more about her than he had let on. It was just as well, she told herself. With most people, it was only a matter of time before her history came back to color their judgement of her present.  
  
“Yesterday,” Aelin said, slowly sitting back down in her seat, “Yesterday, you weren’t sick. What were you doing?”  
  
Rowan sat down across from her. “I went to pick that up from the jeweler for you. I wanted to give it to you then, but they were running late. So I just thought I’d cancel our session. I didn’t think you’d mind not seeing me, anyway.”  
  
“True,” Aelin said before she could catch herself. “I mean thank you. That’s what I meant to say. How much do I owe you?” She rummaged into her backpack to find her wallet.  
  
“Let’s just say you owe me a favor later, Aelin. I don’t want your money.”  
  
Aelin sat back in her chair, clutching her notebook to her chest. “Alright. A favor. Later.”  
  
Pulling his books out of his messenger bag, Rowan began. “So, we have some catching up to do, don’t we?”


	7. All the light blotted out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Rowan see one another outside of their tutoring sessions, and it goes well until someone from her past makes an appearance.

The weekend approached, and with it, another ticked box. Days had passed, classes had been attended, texts went unanswered, drinks were consumed. And now there would be more. It might be an endless parade of debauchery and forgetfulness, but at least Aelin knew why she needed to forget. She was somewhat bitter at the glances passed her way on the sidewalks and through hallways, but if she could come and go without questions about her parents, she could deal.   
  
Aelin waited in Lysandra’s living room that Friday night, twisting her silver bracelet around her wrist. Lys sang as she got ready to go out, the music blasting far too loud for conversation. It was only a matter of time until she pried Aelin for details, anyway. Aelin had walked into the apartment and merely held her hand up to stop the flow of words she knew was inevitable. She shoved Lysandra towards the bathroom, urging her to finish getting ready before she told her tale. Rowan’s name hadn’t come up in days, but it would. And Lysandra would have a field day with it.  
  
Aelin tapped her foot nervously on the carpet, scrolling through her social media feeds without actually seeing anything. Normally, she was much better at this. She’d had a loyal following before everything had blown up and they learned her true identity. Once that happened, she’d had to abandon that small refuge of anonymity and return back to the real world. Throwing her phone on the cushion next to her, she leaned her head back in frustration, the heels of her palms pressing into her forehead.  
  
The music was so loud that she didn’t hear Lysandra approach from the hallway.   
  
“What the fuck, Aelin? Why didn’t you tell me?!” Lysandra flopped onto the couch next to her, grabbing her wrist. “You found it? This is so great! But why didn’t you tell me?” She rubbed her thumb across the familiar names. Lysandra hadn’t known all of them, but she didn’t need to. She and Sam had been close, closer than Aelin realized until long after his death. If Lysandra had a list of loved ones lost, he belonged on hers as much as anyone else’s.  
  
“Sorry, Lys. Do you have time to listen?” She glanced pointedly at her phone without actually remarking the hour.  
  
“Of course! Where was it?” Lysandra’s face had lit up so bright, Aelin felt guilty.   
  
“Rowan found it.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Lysandra’s expression went from confused to hopeful in an instant. “Wait, he found it for you? And he knew it was yours without asking?”  
  
“No, you idiot,” Aelin answered. “Well, yes. Sorry.” She pried Lysandra’s fumbling hands away from her wrist. “He found it, but he only knew it was mine because I asked him about it. I told him what it looked like and everything.”  
  
“And when did he find it? Was it just sitting on the sidewalk or what?”  
  
“Not exactly.” Aelin turned and faced forward, away from Lysandra. “He found it right after I lost it, but a link was broken and he had it repaired for me. Then he gave it to me yesterday.”  
  
“Aelin, do you know what this means?”  
  
She looked over at Lysandra, confused. “What? What does it mean?”  
  
“You have to marry him, of course.”  
  
Aelin rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Lys.”  
  
Lysandra laughed. “I’m kidding, but only sort-of. You know I would have jumped on that if you weren’t already interested.” She ignored Aelin’s look of protest. “But since you _are_ interested, you should pay him back somehow!”  
  
“So I guess I was thinking about doing something for him. I tried to pay him back for the repair but he said I owed him a favor instead.”  
  
Lysandra wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
“Not like that! Maybe I’ll make him dinner?”  
  
Lysandra frowned. “Too much. Plus, we are talking about you.” Aelin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Aelin, you, in a kitchen? That’s not what I’d call doing anyone a favor.”  
  
“OK, I won’t make him dinner. I’ll buy him a drink. And like… talk to him? In public?”  
  
Lysandra smiled. “That’s more like it.”  
  
*****  
At her usual bar with her usual crowd, Aelin was nervous. Not only because Rowan was going to show up, but because she needed to be her old self around him. New Aelin was not fit company, not by a mile. But figuring out how to be happy and outgoing around other people after the last couple of years was a task in itself.   
  
She was seated at their usual table, Manon between Dorian and Elide and Lysandra with her head lowered in discussion with Aedion, when Rowan walked in. With Lorcan. She should have expected he would bring reinforcements, as she always did, but that walking wall of frowns was not the first person she’d have thought of.  
  
Standing, she sauntered over to Rowan. “You got my text?”  
  
He nodded. “Yep. I was a bit surprised. I thought I got to choose the terms and nature of the favor you owe me.”  
  
“‘The terms and nature of the favor’?” she said mockingly. “You aren’t around Maeve, you can talk like a normal person now. And you did say that, I just thought this would be nice.” Aelin’s voice had a strange falseness to it and she cleared her throat. “I’m sitting over here with my friends, if you’d like to join us? After we get you a drink, that is.”  
  
After ordering at the bar, they walked over, Manon sizing Rowan up every bit as Dorian was. More introductions were made, and Aelin shrunk back a bit as she realized how her circle was growing. More friends meant more people she was responsible to, more people she could let down. Shaking the thought from her head, she sat.   
  
The conversation was stilted at first. Between Dorian, Manon, and Elide trying to fit together and Lysandra trying to pry Rowan for information while Aedion struggled for her attention, Aelin didn’t have much to worry about. It was far too much like a circus at their table for her to need to keep Rowan occupied. Lorcan, she noticed, was casting shy glances at Elide, but who knew what would happen there. It was already much more tangled a web than she preferred her own love life to be.  
  
An hour in, Aelin felt Lysandra nudging her leg insistently. Turning, she hissed, “What do you want, Lys?”  
  
Lysandra leaned over. “Ask him to dance. You two look awkward as fuck sitting there.”  
  
Aelin scoffed. “And dancing is supposed to fix that?”  
  
Lysandra shrugged. “It’s gotta be better than what you have going on now.” Calling over Aelin’s head, she yelled at Rowan. “Hey, I think you two should go dance for a while. I’m going with Aedion,” she said as she grabbed his hand. He looked unprepared, but ready to go with it. “You two should join us.”  
  
“Alright,” Rowan answered.   
  
Aelin glanced back at him, surprised. “Are you sure?”  
  
“We’re here, and I’m tired of watching your friend Dorian try to keep the white-haired one’s attention.”  
  
Aelin snorted. “True. Let’s go.” She stood and walked to the dance floor without waiting for any of the rest of them. If she was going to do this, she wasn’t going to look back.   
  
Rowan stood before Aelin at first, watching as she moved her hips to the steady beat of the music. Grabbing his hands, she placed them on her waist and let him feel her rhythm. This definitely would not make tutoring awkward, in the slightest. They had finally found a rhythm together, perhaps a bit quicker than she would have thought possible, when Aelin realized she was getting too comfortable. Rowan didn’t seem to be a naturally talented dancer, but something in the way he moved told her that he’d get the hang of it soon enough, with her as a partner. Suggesting that they get another drink before continuing, she led Rowan from the press of sweaty bodies.   
  
Pushing her damp hair from her forehead, Aelin turned to Rowan. “What are you having now? Same thing?”   
  
He shook his head. “I’ll have what you’re having.” His eyes nearly had a light in them, something she assumed was impossible. Indeed, Rowan seemed as if he were on the verge of having a good time.   
  
Aelin grinned and turned back towards the bar. “Two dirty martinis please.”  
  
Rowan raised an eyebrow. “Testing me?”  
  
“Perhaps. You test me enough, don’t you think? I just want to have some fun.” Their drinks came, the liquid clouded by the olive juice mixed with the vodka and vermouth. “Bottoms up.” She waited to try hers until Rowan took a drink, but to her surprise he took a sip to taste, and then downed the rest of the glass in one swallow.   
  
Aelin laughed. “Liked it that much, did you?”  
  
“That was disgusting,” Rowan answered. “Olive juice has no business being in my drink. Hurry and finish yours so we can dance.”  
  
Laughing again, Aelin took her drink out into the crowd. “I’m not waking up next to a toilet tomorrow, so I’ll take mine slower, thanks.”  
  
Time passed, a rhythm became familiar as one song bled into another and Aelin and Rowan pressed into one another. She was so good at forgetting, and that’s what she was doing here. His body could have been anyone’s; his rough palms on her hips and caressing her arms might have been the arms of any of countless men here. Aelin tried to remind herself of that, as they wiled away the hours.   
  
She was so, so good at forgetting, that when a familiar voice came from behind her, it took her a moment to place it.  
  
Lysandra’s hand came to grasp her arm even as she felt the voice that had spoken her name approach. Lysandra’s eyes were wide and staring behind Aelin.   
  
“He’s here.” Her voice came out small, but Aelin could hear her despite the music. Rowan had stopped moving, eyes narrowing as he tried to place the source of their panic.   
  
Before Aelin turned her head, she knew who to expect. The deep, honeyed tones that had said her name were used to getting their way, especially with her. Even over the music, little effort was expended at making sure she heard him calling to her. He’d said one word and, without trying, pulled her from her own world into his.   
  
Arobynn.  
  
Turning, Aelin pushed her hair out of her face. Her face fell when she was able to confirm that she had indeed heard him, that he was here, in her town.   
  
She took a step away from Rowan.  
  
“Aelin, darling, I’ve been looking for you.” Arobynn reached out to her. He was untouched by the sweat and heat and hormones of this place, existing on a plane other than theirs. On instinct, Aelin placed her hand in his. Arobynn brought it to his lips, and Aelin suppressed a shudder.  
  
Behind her, Rowan gripped her shoulders. She saw Arobynn’s eyes narrow, then his expression return to neutral.  
  
“Introduce me to your friend, Aelin,” Rowan said. He stepped around her and extended his hand, forcing Arobynn to let go of hers.  
  
“Yes, Aelin, introduce us,” Arobynn echoed as they shook hands. “Although I wouldn’t exactly call myself your friend.” He placed his hands on Aelin’s arms and her toes curled. “We are much closer than that, aren’t we? And Lysandra, I should have expected you here.” His oily smile pulled a broad grin from Lysandra, a reaction Aelin knew she was berating herself for even as she couldn’t help herself.   
  
They’d both of them developed ways of dealing with Arobynn over the years, and they were hard habits to break.   
  
“Rowan, this is Arobynn. Arobynn, Rowan. He’s my tutor. For history.”   
  
Rowan waited for her to explain Arobynn’s presence, but she was silent on that front. Instead she turned back to him. “I think my favor to you has been paid. It’s time for you to go.”  
  
Rowan offered to buy Arobynn a drink, but he refused. He never would have touched a drink here, not if it were made by someone he didn’t know and trust. But Rowan had no reason to know that, no reason to know the sort of people she was associated with.  
  
“I said it’s time for you to go,” Aelin repeated.   
  
Rowan took a step back, his face becoming blank. “Fine. See you Monday.” Turning on his heels, he strode to their table, hit Lorcan’s arm to get his attention, and left.   
  
Aelin felt a coldness growing in her. She raised her hand to her temple. “I think I need to go home as well. Can we catch up tomorrow?”   
  
“Of course, Aelin. But I’ve been trying to call you.” Arobynn lifted his phone. “Change your number, did you?”  
  
“Oh, right. I’m sorry, I did. My old phone broke. Just a few days ago.” She waited, knowing he would smell the lie, hoping he would pretend he didn’t.  
  
“Don’t worry. I’ll get your number from Lysandra.” He looked over her shoulder, where Lysandra had frozen in place.   
  
“Sure thing. But we’ll see you tomorrow.” Aelin glanced over at her table, where Dorian had finally stopped staring at Manon and was looking over at them in concern. She wondered how much he had witnessed, but apparently it didn’t matter. Arobynn noticed that they were being watched, and agreed. Taking Lysandra’s arm in her own, she guided them back to their table to grab their jackets before leaving.  
  
Aelin strode out into the cold evening with Lysandra, trying to put as much distance between herself and Arobynn as possible, neither of them able to speak. Aelin knew Lysandra’s thoughts were racing as much as her own, but they would talk when they got to Lysandra’s apartment.   
  
Footsteps came from behind the alley they had just left and a hand grasped her elbow. Aelin turned and swung her fist in reflex, barely missing Rowan’s head.   
  
“Get off of me!” Aelin pulled her arm away from Rowan so violently that she stumbled backwards.   
  
Lysandra looked between them. She hadn’t heard him approach, clearly, and was trying to figure out why he was there.  
  
“What are you doing?” Aelin adjusted her jacket, gathering her hair in her fist to get it under control.  
  
“I just thought I’d check on you. Something seemed off, and I wanted to make sure you were ok.”  
  
“I can handle myself, asshole.”  
  
“I’m well aware of that, Aelin. You make that very clear, every single day.” Rowan didn’t frown, as she expected, but his face went cold, neutral.   
  
“What of it? I don’t need saving, least of all by you.”  
  
Rowan raised his hands and began to walk away. “Whatever you want, princess. Let’s just forget tonight happened, ok?”  
  
“What’s there to forget?” Grabbing Lysandra’s arm, she turned and walked away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin tries to keep Arobynn away from Rowan, with mixed results. In an attempt to explain her behavior the weekend before, she tells Rowan part of her past and what happened to Sam.

Aelin and Lysandra slept together after Arobynn’s unexpected arrival, curled in Aelin’s bed. Their hands were still entwined when Aelin woke the next morning, but the presence of her best friend confirmed everything.

They were in deep, deep shit.

Arobynn was a part of their lives in ways that they hadn’t been able to control, that they weren’t able to extricate themselves from. At least, not in ways that were immediately apparent. If he had decided to show his face, then that must mean that he was tightening his control, or at the very least that he suspected they were coming out from under his influence.  
  
Aelin knew without asking that Lysandra would be glad to be rid of him. And she herself knew, in a deep and bitter place she had created especially for him, that ridding Arobynn from her life would be the first step to completing what her parents had wanted for her.

If only it were as simple as saying, as wishing. But Aelin felt the tendrils of his influence deep within her, measuring and guiding her actions, the instinct she had to go to him, even now.

She slipped out of bed early, sure to not disturb Lysandra. They had spoken in hushed whispers, foreheads pressed together, planning, calculating. Evangeline was safe, taken care of at a boarding school paid for by an account that Aelin kept under an alias. She was sure that not even Arobynn knew about her alter ego as Celaena Sardothien, heiress who apparently had nothing better to spend her money on than sending an orphan girl to an elite private school far, far away from Aelin’s hometown.

But there was always the matter of what he could do to them. Lysandra insisted that as long as Evangeline was safe, she would take any manner of treatment. Aelin, meanwhile, insisted that neither of them would have to put up with it for much longer.

Aelin had spent her late childhood learning self-defense, and then more aggressive forms of violence in adolescence. No one ever expected the pretty blonde to serve as a body guard for one of the city’s biggest crime bosses. And the dark-haired beauty at her side was just as much of a pet, a distraction to keep Arobynn’s associates and enemies off-guard, and sometimes otherwise occupied.

And Sam’s part in it all… she shook away the memory.

Of course it was all a ruse, a damned laughable tragedy for those around him that someone as powerful as Arobynn Hamel might need the assistance of teenagers in his dealings. If he were so reputable, if he were so untouchable, he wouldn’t need a bodyguard, Aelin had argued at 15. For that, she had been slammed to the ground, and events following had left marks that she still avoided looking at.

The only thing she could do now was find out what he wanted. She stepped out onto her front porch, wrapping her cardigan tightly around herself. Her breath came out in white clouds before her face, the stillness of the morning giving her the impression that her frantic heartbeat could be heard down the street. In a habit she detested herself for, she punched his number into her phone without even looking at the keys. She’d had to memorize it, given that he hadn’t allowed her the freedom of a phone until she left the house for good. The phone rang once, twice. After the third ring she would hang up, telling herself that she had tried.

“Aelin, it’s so good to hear from you.” Arobynn’s voice came through self-assured, without waiting to confirm that it was her on the other end of the unfamiliar phone number.

“Arobynn. What do you want?”

Arobynn clicked his tongue, and Aelin rolled her eyes, then stifled the ridiculous fear that he could see her and would make her pay for it.

“Is that any way to talk to your old friend? I just wanted to check on you and Lysandra. I am worried about your studies. And I’m not sure how Lys is taking to her new city. She always was a delicate girl.” He practically purred as he lied.

“The only thing delicate about Lysandra are the dresses she chooses to wear, Arobynn. But I have a lot of studying to do, and I need to get started. You know I’m behind.” Aelin held her breath, waiting to see if he would buy it and leave them in peace.

Arobynn sighed. “Ah, yes. You did lose quite a bit of time after Sam’s accident, didn’t you? And then your other friend? Nemia?”

Aelin gripped her phone so tightly that her palm began to sweat. Sam’s _accident_. That he had the gall to call it that… And he knew Nehemia’s name as surely as he knew his own, even if they had never met. But Aelin refused to engage and correct him on either point. “Yes, exactly. I was out of school all last year, which is why I really need to make sure I keep my tutoring appointment.” As soon as the words came out, Aelin regretted them.

“Your tutoring appointment, of course. Are you finding Mr. Whitethorn’s instruction helpful? Because I can help you find someone more qualified, if you would like. I doubt he has the energy to deal with a struggling undergraduate after working on his own studies with Maeve all day.”

Aelin wasn’t surprised that Arobynn already knew Rowan’s last name, what he did at the university beyond tutor her. He had probably known before he even made it to town. She refused to remark on it, instead denying his request to find another tutor. “I am happy with Rowan, thank you.”

“Aelin?” Arobynn asked, his tone light and lilting. He wanted something from her, but she still didn’t know what it was.

“Yes, Arobynn?” Leave it to him to leave her dangling, guessing at his intentions. It was a familiar game, and at the moment, she had no choice but to comply.

“I would like to see you. Soon.” It wasn’t a request, though he had used the conditional. No, for Arobynn, requests were demands, and by the time he demanded something, it was too late.

“Alright. Can I let you know later today?"

"Don't keep me waiting too long." There was a slight threat in his voice, though he didn't need to bother.

"Of course not," Aelin said, and she cut off the call before he could add any other requests. The sooner she could get to campus, the sooner she could see Arobynn and find out what he wanted.

Aelin didn’t bother showering, grabbing some toast on her way out of the door. She’d buy a large coffee in the student center, hoping her stomach would be able to keep either down. Arobynn could comment on her messy appearance, would criticize or coo depending on his mood. She had little control over how he might react, and so she didn’t bother putting in more effort than was necessary.

*********

As she approached the study room, Aelin saw Rowan relaxed against the back of his chair, arms crossed. She’d really done it, last weekend. The only choice now was complete honesty, or complete denial.

Opening the door and then setting down her things, Aelin measured, calculated. How much might Rowan know? What might he be able to handle? The history of her parents was one thing. Everyone knew about that. But who Arobynn was, what had happened with Sam, that was something altogether different. Aelin wasn’t sure she wanted to share with anyone, even as she realized that Rowan was the only person in the world she trusted with this information.

Interesting, that she might find herself willing to open up to him. Filing this information away, she sat down across from Rowan and crossed her arms on the desk. “What do you want to know?”

She kicked her bag under the table and took in a deep breath.

“Actually, I think an apology would do nicely. How about ‘hey Rowan, I’m sorry I yelled at you’, or maybe ‘hey, sorry for being a colossal dick the other night’?”

“Would anything else do?” Aelin asked.

“An explanation,” Rowan answered. “A real one. No more bullshit.”

Aelin nodded, even as she wondered why he deserved as much from her. There were moments in her past that belonged to her alone, and letting this near-stranger into them seemed like a violation. Not of herself, but of the people she shared those moments with. But she could only keep him out for so long, if they were going to spend so much time together.

Before she could respond, Arobynn strode into the room. Aelin closed her mouth without having made a sound, and stood, fists clenched and resting on the table. “What are you doing here?”

Rowan followed suit and stood, placing a hand on the small of her back. When he had decided he had any right to do that was beyond her, and Aelin stepped away from his touch, reassuring as it was.

Arobynn nodded at Rowan, refusing to look at Aelin as he spoke. “I wanted to check up on your progress, Aelin.” The two men watched one another, sizing each other up. Arobynn was the picture of sophistication, his long hair groomed and clothing tailored, while Rowan looked like he spent the weekends running marathons and knocking over people he didn't like. Somehow, the two of them were matched for bravado, as much as they seemed polar opposites.

A slight sneer came to Arobynn's lips as he took in Rowan's tattoos, and Aelin cleared her throat. “And you were going to do that by what, having a staring contest?”

Arobynn finally leveled his gaze at Aelin. “It doesn’t look like you are working too hard at the moment.” He gestured to her unopened backpack, the lack of papers or notes on the table.

“I just got here. But you knew that. Don’t worry, though.” Arobynn cocked his head at the disdain in her voice. “I won’t stay here with him any longer than necessary.”

Rowan crossed his arms and leaned his back against the wall. “I’d say the feeling is mutual.”

Arobynn stepped closer to Aelin and ran a fingertip along her bare forearm, stopping at her bracelet. She suppressed a shudder and glanced over in time to see a muscle in Rowan's jaw twitch. “I’ll let you two get to it, then. But don’t forget your promise, Aelin.”

“I’ll call you,” she said, refusing to move away or towards him.

Arobynn smirked and tipped his head Rowan’s direction. “Take care of my girl, you hear?” Few would have recognized the latent threat in his tone, but Rowan’s eyes darkened.

Both of them stayed silent until the door shut behind Arobynn.

“So. He seems nice,” Rowan said after a moment. He moved to retake his seat. “I can see where you get your sparkling personality, Aelin.”

“I didn’t get anything from him,” she snapped. She took her seat, looking back up at the door to ensure that Arobynn didn’t return.

“Why don’t you want me near him?” Rowan asked.

Aelin frowned. “What makes you think that?”

“Well,” Rowan said, leaning back and threading his fingers behind his head to rest against. “There is the issue of you acting like a complete bitch when he shows up.” He held a hand up to stop her protests. “And this isn’t normal Aelin-in-a-bad-mood. This is different. Last weekend, we were even…” He stopped himself.

“We were what?” Aelin asked.

“Before he showed up last weekend, we were having fun. And you weren’t antagonistic against me so much as you were… defensive.”

Aelin took in a deep breath. Rowan definitely should not know her so well, but she found herself nearly glad for it. “I can’t let him around anyone I care about,” she said simply. “Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not in love with you or anything. I just have a bad history of him taking away people I love, or hurting them.”

“But you don’t love me?” Rowan practically grinned.

“No,” she said softly, picking at her fingernails and refusing to look up. This was an entirely different kind of game, one she wasn’t used to playing. But something in Rowan’s tone told her that he was ready to take her seriously, if she just said the word. “You saw the names on my bracelet."

Rowan nodded.

“You know who my parents are. Were. The other two names I had engraved, the media didn’t bother talking about them so much. Especially not Sam.” A tear escaped the corner of her left eye, and she ignored it.

“Nehemia died last year. But Sam and I grew up together. After my parents passed, I was taken in by a man who does very, very bad things for a living.”

“Arobynn,” Rowan said.

“Yes. Being with him, it was hell. Sam tried to protect me. We were both orphans, and I didn’t trust him at first.” A small smile lifted the corner of her mouth. “I gave him a hell of a time, for years. Arobynn tried to make us competitors, to vie for his attention and favor, but Sam never fell for it. Even if I did.” The smile disappeared. “But then Sam aged out of the foster care system. And he fell in with the wrong crowd when Arobynn decided to call in his debts.”

Aelin laughed bitterly at the look of confusion on Rowan’s face. “Yeah, nice, right? Arobynn had kept track of how much money he had spent on groceries, clothing, school supplies, all of it. Any time he had taken Sam to a ‘business’ meeting he considered training, and he made a tally. He didn’t bother telling Sam, at the time. So when Sam left and didn't keep up with the family business, Arobynn made him suffer. And you can imagine that given Arobynn’s _profession_ , he wasn’t too concerned about being fair.”

“Where did Sam go?” Rowan asked quietly.  
  
“He left the house, and I thought that he had found a job somewhere. He wrote me, didn’t tell me exactly where he was living or what job he had found, but reassured me that he was fine. He came to visit, and he tried to convince me to go with him. I was going to. He said he just had one last job before he could take me in, though.”  
  
Aelin cleared her throat and clenched her teeth. These were truths she hadn’t spoken to anyone ever. Not even when she and Chaol had been close, or Dorian. Aedion wasn’t around at the time. The only other person who knew was Lysandra, and talking to her about their pasts was more an exercise in sharing misery than anything else. Perhaps, Rowan could offer her something different.  
  
“Sam died of a drug overdose. Almost two years ago. He was cold, and alone, and desperate, and I wasn’t there to help him. I was here, just starting school, and no one told me he had gone missing. I should have known, though. I should have done better.”

“I’m sorry.”

Aelin nodded, tears flowing freely now. She waited for Rowan to berate her, to confirm her fears that she had failed.

Instead, he reached across the table. He wiped away a tear with his thumb, and then covered her hands with his own. “You did everything you could.”

Aelin laughed, the sound hollow. “You don’t know that. You weren’t there. And Arobynn, he said that Sam was upset with me, that I hadn't left right away or that I hadn't tried harder to leave with him."

“Do you believe anything that man says? I met him for five minutes, Aelin, and I can tell he’s so full of shit I can’t believe he can stand upright.”

Aelin chuckled despite herself. Rowan began rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb, and she shifted slightly under the attention. “I suppose not. But it’s a lot easier blaming myself," she admitted. "Sam trusted me, even at my worst. He was always there, even when I refused to see it.”

“Put the blame where it belongs, Aelin. And it’s not on a child who was being manipulated into… whatever it was that he had you do for him. I’ll help you, whatever you need. Just let me know.”

“Why, because you feel sorry for me? You don’t even know what he asked me to do. Or if he did,” she corrected.

Rowan reached up and pushed a stray lock of hair behind Aelin’s ear. Rather than move away, she sat still and let him, wondering what the hell she was thinking. What either of them were thinking.

“No, Aelin. I can’t feel sorry for someone who has been strong enough to survive what you’ve gone through. And I guessed, that he would make you earn your keep. How he did it is your business. You can tell me if you want, or not."

Aelin bit the inside of her cheek, keeping her emotions in check. “What do I do, then?”

Rowan picked up a textbook. “You keep going. You have your first test next week, and it won’t look very good on me if you fail.”

Aelin snorted and wiped the tears off her cheek with the back of her hand. “Your reputation as an academic will suffer, you’re saying? Well, we certainly can’t have that.”

Rowan reached across the table and grasped Aelin’s hands again. Lifting them from the table, he threaded his fingers through hers. Her toes curled in her shoes as she held herself back from increasing the pressure of her own fingers, holding him closer to her.

“In the meantime,” he said, “I think you should take me back to that bar. Once you’ve studied, that is.”

Aelin’s brow furrowed. “Back to the bar? Why?” She blanched. “It didn’t exactly end well last time.”

Rowan tightened his grip on her hands for a moment and then set them back on the tabletop. “True. But I have a bet going with Lorcan. He thinks he can get Elide to pay attention to him for more than five minutes, and I think she’s far too interested in Manon. And I need to see how that plays out.”

Aelin let out a laugh so loud that she tipped her head back and held her stomach. An insistent _shush_ came from outside the study room and she clamped her hand over her mouth, looking at Rowan with a glint in her eye. “Bastard. You’re going to get us in trouble.”

“Perhaps,” Rowan answered. “But it will be worth it. Especially if I get to see you laugh like that again.”

Aelin cleared her throat and glanced down at her hands. “Studying, then. And then the bar? Tomorrow?” The intonation of the last word was far too hopeful for her liking, but she couldn’t take it back.

Rowan nodded. “Tomorrow.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin has to take her first test, and she and Rowan celebrate afterward. Unfortunately, no one takes Aelin's phone away from her when she is drunk.

Five weeks into the semester, Aelin’s first make-up history test was quickly approaching. She and Rowan had doubled their tutoring sessions, neither of them willing to let Maeve - or Arobynn, for that matter - find fault with their newfound friendship. Aelin was going to pass this test, and the following tests, with flying colors. And then maybe she could start to move past everything that had happened in the past couple of years.

As she walked to their usual study room, Aelin slowed her pace. It was an unusually warm fall afternoon, and since snow would start falling any day, she had an idea. Pulling her phone out of her back pocket, she sent Rowan a text.

_"Come meet me outside. Bring all your books ’n shit."_

She waited, those three dots blinking on the screen far too long for the response she received.

 _"Why?_ "

 _"Just trust me_ ," she answered. Aelin tapped her foot nervously on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the library.

Rowan pushed open the door and blinked at the sunlight, seeming surprised to realize that the outdoors still existed.

Aelin laughed. “Been inside all day, have you?”

Rowan grunted. “Lots of work to get done. I’ve been here since 5am.” He strode over to her, hands in his pockets, messenger bag over his shoulder. He was wearing a heavy, moss-colored wool sweater, and Aelin thought, just for a moment, about how nice it might be to wrap herself up in it and his smell.

“So?” he asked.

“What?” Perhaps she had let herself get a bit carried away with the idea of surrounding herself with something of his. Or maybe she was just tired.

“What are we doing out here?”

“Oh, right. Come on.” Aelin pulled Rowan’s hand out of his pocket and led him around the side of the building to a large grassy area where small groups of students with a similar idea had spread their books and computers out on the ground.

Across the lawn, a girl had noticed them and looked Rowan up and down appreciatively. When she saw Aelin glare at her, she quickly looked away. That bit of oddly territorial behavior pushed aside - obviously, she just wanted Rowan to be able to concentrate on her studies, that was all - Aelin searched for a spot that was isolated from the other students and sat on the grass.

Rowan looked down at her with skepticism, and she patted the ground next to her. “Come, sit with me. We can work out here today.” She pulled her notebook and computer out, refusing to take no for an answer.

Rowan sighed halfheartedly and took off his sweater, which Aelin definitely did not watch him do. “Alright. I guess this works, as long as we can get Wi-Fi.” He sat facing Aelin and let his sweater and bag fall to the ground, heedless of whatever he carried in it.

Aelin waved her phone in the air. “Hot spot, just in case.” She eyed his sweater and grabbed it. “This is nice. A present?” The rough-looking fabric was surprisingly soft, and she resisted pulling it close so she could smell it.

“No, I bought it. Why?” He watched her fingers running over the fabric, tracing the knit pattern.

“It just seems like something someone would have bought for you. I don’t see you getting a lot of time to shop.”

“True. But I liked the color.” He paused. “You can put it on, if you get cold.”

“Oh, I’m fine. Thanks.” She nearly threw the sweater in his face.

“Are we going to be interrupted today?” Rowan raised an eyebrow.

“No,” Aelin answered. “Arobynn will find me again, when he needs me, but I think he is occupied elsewhere at the moment.” She cleared her throat. “I don’t want to talk about him today, if that’s ok.”

“Of course, Aelin,” Rowan said softly. “Let’s just get to work, shall we?”

Aelin snorted. “Yeah, let’s. Shall.” She shook her head and smiled to herself, pulling a pen out of her bag. “I vote we talk about something more cheery. Like economic instability, Europe on the brink of war, things like that.”

“As my student commands,” Rowan said, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

Aelin leaned back against the tree she had chosen to sit under, and bit her own lip to keep from grinning too much. No, it wouldn’t do to become attached, not when they wouldn’t see each other again after these tests were over. Why would he want to hang around her? She was practically a child in his eyes. Even if they had shared some things together, and he had seemed to want to keep Arobynn at bay for her sake… No, best to not think about Rowan in any sort of way that implied them meeting after these lessons were over.

“Aelin, you know your first test is tomorrow, right?”

“Yep,” she said, pulling at the grass by her side. “Do I need to talk to Maeve about that or anything?”

“No, you don’t. I talked her into letting me assess you.”

Aelin frowned. “Are you sure? I mean, why? Is that better?”

Rowan pursed his lips before he answered. “I just want to make sure that you’ll be ready. So I’m going to grade your first two tests, and then she’ll look at the last one.”

“Ok.” Aelin nodded slowly. “So does this mean if I get you drunk, I’ll get a better grade?” She bit her tongue to keep from saying anything else. Already, it was too much, the idea of them seeing each other - again - outside of tutoring, off campus. And now she was teasing him about lowering his inhibitions in a venue where she definitely lowered her own.

Rowan chuckled. “No. But it might make me be a bit nicer now, if I know I have that to look forward to this weekend.”

Aelin rubbed her chin, making a play at contemplating. “So you’ll be nicer to me now, potentially be gentle with me when I take my test tomorrow, and all for the low price of getting you wasted? I’ll take that deal.” She extended her hand and Rowan shook his head as he took it.

“You’re something else, Aelin Galathynius.”

Aelin shivered when he said her name. Misreading the movement, Rowan handed her his sweater. Against her better judgement, Aelin threw it on.

*****

The test had gone better than Aelin expected it to. Rowan sat across the table from her at first, until she protested that he was going to burn a hole through the paper with his laser-beam vision if he didn’t relax. He went and sat in the hallway after that. She had an hour to work, and she took close to that, trying to be meticulous in her responses. Handing that stack of papers back to him felt like an accomplishment.

When she got home, she had only been boneless on the couch for a moment before Lysandra was prying her for information. It was only a matter of time before she found out about Aelin and Rowan’s deal, so that was the first thing Aelin mentioned. She could see the plots hatching in Lysandra’s head before she said a word, and so Aelin cut her off by agreeing to let Lys help her get ready that night.

As they finished up their preparations, Lysandra suggested sitting out on their porch to talk and pre-game. Lysandra produced a joint, calling it Aelin’s reward for having made it as far as she had without strangling Rowan.

“Also,” Lysandra said, adjusting her skirt over her knees, “I’m celebrating something else.” She wiggled her eyebrows until Aelin gave in.

“What are you celebrating, Lys?”

“Thanks for asking, dearest. I’ve finally decided I’m going to give Aedion a chance.” She nodded her head once for emphasis at the end of her sentence, but glanced over at Aelin for her reaction.

Aelin passed the blunt back to Lysandra, blowing smoke away from the door. “Are you sure? I mean if you aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t do it. Don’t let my stubborn-ass cousin push you into anything.”

Lysandra passed it back. “Yep. I’m sure. I told him I need to take it slow. Plus, he knows you’ll kick his ass if he gets out of line.” Lys grinned.

“Damn straight.” Aelin grabbed her phone and took Lysandra’s picture before she could protest.

“What was that for?”

“I just wanted to remember you like this. Content, not worried.”

“It’s probably just the weed, Aelin.”

“Nope.” Aelin shook her head. “I know we have an unwelcome visitor, but you seem… I think you could be happy, ya know? And it makes me glad.”

“Ok, well then can I see that picture? Don’t post it anywhere until I give you approval.”

“Come on Lys,” Aelin responded, “You know you look gorgeous.”

Lysandra stood, grabbing her jacket. “Well then, let’s not waste it.”

Walking to the bar, Aelin felt lighter than she had in weeks. Screw Arobynn, screw her past; she had finally accomplished something, and she was even getting along with Rowan. If any doubts came into her mind, the pot made sure to push them right back out in moments.

When she pushed her way through the doors of the bar, Aelin threw herself at Rowan as soon as she saw him. She hadn’t even drunk yet, and she suspected that it was more than the drug in her system lowering her inhibitions. She nearly knocked him over, and he placed his hands on her arms to steady her.

“Hi,” she said, grinning up at him.

“Aelin Galathynius, fancy meeting you here.” Her name from his lips caused another shiver to go through her.

“I’m really thirsty. Buy me a water?”

“I’m not sure I need to buy it for you, but let’s get you a glass. And what about my drinks?” Rowan asked. “I believe I was promised debauchery.”

Aelin backed away from him to make an exaggerated bow. “Whatever the gentlemen is drinking, will be my pleasure to provide. But first I really need that water.” She made an exaggerated motion with her mouth to prove her point and then feigned faintness.

Rowan went to wrap his arm around her shoulders, hesitated, and then went through with it, leading her to the bar. Aelin walked stiffly and then tried to relax. It was nothing, really. She wouldn’t wrap her arm around his waist, but there was no reason for her to push him away. Was there?

Aelin patted a stool at the bar and they decided to rest there, just the two of them. It made ordering easier, she reasoned. Putting her phone away, she concentrated on having comfortable, not too personal conversation with him.

Rowan and Aelin were sitting together at the bar, laughing over some joke they would forget in the morning, when Lysandra approached and hung on Aelin’s shoulders. “You wouldn’t be trying to steal my girlfriend, would you?” she asked in sweet, teasing tones.

Rowan glanced back and forth between them. “Um, no? I didn’t realize you were a thing, I guess.”

Aelin jumped off her stool, removing Lysandra’s arm from her shoulders as her friend laughed. “Don’t take this one seriously, Rowan. She’s just trying to say I’m neglecting her. Come sit with us, for a while?” She nodded her head over to the corner where everyone had gathered.

“Sure,” Rowan answered. “Let’s see what everyone is up to.”

Aelin sat next to Dorian in an attempt to catch up with him, but at first he was too wrapped in Manon. She snickered and wondered how Lorcan and Rowan’s bet was going, but she would assume it wasn’t going to well for him, since he hadn’t even shown up tonight and even Dorian seemed more at ease around Manon and Elide. They must have reached some sort of understanding, and Aelin made a mental note to ask Elide about it later. Dorian was likely to be optimistic, but Elide would tell Aelin how she really felt, and about whom.

When Manon stood to dance with Elide, Aelin caught Dorian glancing at her and hesitate. She turned to Rowan. “Could you get us another drink? Just put it on my tab.” Without thinking, she patted his thigh as he stood, but luckily he pretended to not notice.

Aelin waited until he was far enough away to turn back to Dorian. “Dorian, dearest, what’s going on?”

Dorian leaned over. “I think Chaol might be coming into town next month, Aelin.”

She shot him a look. “And?”

Dorian raised his hands in protest. “Don’t shoot the messenger. I just thought I’d let you know. Prepare you.”

They nursed their drinks in silence for a few minutes before Dorian spoke up again. “You know he’s sorry, right? And that it wasn’t his fault?”

Aelin scoffed. “Yeah, that’s what I hear. And yet Nehemia isn’t around to hear the apology, is she?”

Dorian looked like she had slapped him. “Maybe you should let go of some of that anger, Aelin. Save it for the people who really deserve it. Like Arobynn.”

“Don’t worry. I know exactly who deserves my anger.” Aelin stood and turned, searching the room for Rowan. She didn’t bother hiding the way her brow furrowed, and he went to her as if it were expected. As if he had been there for her a million times before.

“Dance?” She asked.

He nodded. “But first, I have this for you.”

Aelin took the drink from him and downed it in one go. “Your turn.” She looked at him expectantly, but Rowan shook his head.

“I’m going to take a page from your book and take this one slower. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” He placed his free hand on her shoulder, but Aelin shook her head.

“Nope. I just want to have fun.”

*****

Aelin woke the next morning still fully-clothed and with a pounding headache. She really had drunk too much last night. In fact, as she stood to leave her bed, she realized she was still a bit drunk. So much for getting anything done that day. Aelin figured that laundry could wait, and though food might become an issue, there was always delivery. Plus, she’d managed to get through that massive test Rowan gave her, and she was feeling pretty confident.

Nestling back under her duvet, Aelin reached over to her nightstand and grabbed her phone. She had developed a habit in recent years of checking all of her messages the night after she went out, to see what sort of mistakes she had made. Occasionally, she would also find surprise pictures in her phone, too.

There were some of the usual selfies in there, Lysandra looking gorgeous even three sheets to the wind, but her favorite was of Manon kissing Dorian on the cheek while her arm wrapped around Elide. She’d have to send that to him later.

Flicking through her messages, one name caught her eye. She had texted Rowan after they left the bar.

_Fuck._

Aelin took a breath and dove in. She began groaning almost immediately.

_“Heyyyy rowan-tree, I am drunk, sorry. I wanted to tell uu that you are very nice under hte mean. Like maybe you try to hide it but I see. I men u r realllly cute but thats not what we’d be talking about if I took you out again. just the 2 of us ya know wut I mean????! ok well I should slep and prolly gonna b sick? We will see?”_

Aelin screamed into her pillow before reading the second message.

_“Anyway today I wanted to keep ur sweeter and sleep with it. And kind-of kiss you. Not kind-of but in a real way. Ok good night.”_

Her heart started pounding and the ceiling began to spin. Aelin wanted to go back to sleep, wake up, and realize this was all a horrible dream. She tried to stand again and the room tilted, further convincing her that she’d had way too much to drink, and was not dreaming.

_Shit shit shit._

There was no way she could hide this, so the only option was complete honesty. Her fingers tapped the back of her phone as she tried to decide what to say.

_“Hey, sorry about those messages. You can just forget I sent them. I say really dumb things when I drink, they don’t mean anything. Friends?”_

She waited what seemed like an eternity, and then saw the three dots indicating that Rowan was typing. A minute passed, and then another. “Geez grandpa,” she muttered to herself, “Get better at typing.” But deep down, she knew that wasn’t the real reason for the delay. How could she have been so stupid? She was lucky he was writing back at all.

Finally, the message came through.

_“I have your test results.”_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin gets her test results, and Lysandra has a talk with Rowan about Aelin.

Aelin paced around her apartment, looking for any remaining messes or incriminating evidence that could further shame her. Rowan was on his way over with her test, complete with his comments, and she didn’t want to open herself to any more judgement than she already had. Her apartment needed to show a side of her that was irreproachable - mature, adult, and definitely not subsisting on junk food and wine. She’d even found an ancient container of room spray underneath the kitchen sink that she didn’t remember purchasing. She used it a bit too liberally, forcing her to open the windows despite the chill.

She looked around the living room, trying to see it from his perspective. It was lived in, but no one could say Aelin didn’t have taste. One wall was lined with bookshelves, which she thought Rowan would approve of. Several empty bottles of wine were stashed away under the sink, but otherwise it looked like an intelligent person with very expensive taste lived here.

Of course, nothing he might find could shame her in the same way as what she had texted him the night before. Her stomach felt like a gaping hole that was threatening to swallow her. The three cups of coffee she’d swallowed probably weren’t helping matters there, but she needed to sober up, even as she wondered how in the hell Rowan had graded her test already.

As they made plans for him to come over, the offending messages were pushed further up the screen until she couldn’t see them anymore, but she felt them there, mocking her and her stupid feelings.

Rowan acted like he hadn’t even seen them.

Aelin’s doorbell rang and she wiped her palms off on her pants before opening the door. She knew they needed to talk, but Rowan was also the last person she wanted to see. Her anxiety was a mixture of anticipation and dread.

“Aelin, let me in, I need to talk to you.” It was Lysandra’s voice.

Aelin sighed in relief, but only opened the door enough so they could talk. She glanced around before asking Lys to come back later.

“Ok, but are you doing alright? You drank a lot last night, love.”

“Yeah, I did. I’m ok though. I’m drinking water and everything.” Aelin crossed her arms against the cold.

“What’s going on? Why did you clean?” She peered over Aelin’s shoulder to look inside. Waving her hand in her face, she asked, “And why does it smell like that? You having company?” Leave it to Lysandra to understand Aelin better than anyone, and not bother with boundaries.

“I sent Rowan some texts last night, and he’s on his way over right now.”

“What kind of texts?” Lysandra’s voice was tinged with worry.

Aelin pulled her phone out of her pocket and handed it over, refusing to look at Lysandra as she read them. Lysandra clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh and Aelin rolled her eyes.

“Aelin, love, what were you thinking?” She handed the phone back.

“I wasn’t!” Aelin snapped. “Clearly. I couldn’t even spell.”

Lysandra frowned. “He didn’t mention the drunk messages. And he’s coming over now?”

Aelin nodded.

“Well, let me know how it goes. And maybe let me hold on to your phone next time we go out?” Lys smirked. She was the only person who could have possibly gotten away with that reaction at the moment, but Aelin took her by the shoulders anyway, turning her around and patting her ass to get her to leave.

“I’ll write you later, Lys.”

“Oh, hi there,” Lysandra responded. 

Confused, Aelin looked around. Her stomach dropped. Rowan was making his way up the sidewalk and nodded to Lysandra as they walked by one another. Without turning around, Lysandra waved her phone in the air as a reminder.

Aelin took a deep breath and stood aside to let Rowan in.

“Hi!” She had said that with far too much enthusiasm, and told herself to calm down. “So, that’s my test?”

“Hello. And yes.” The papers were rolled up in his hand and he turned them over.

Aelin grabbed them and flipped to the last page - leave it to Rowan to not put her grade on the front, but on the last page. It was with mixed feelings that she saw a big red “C” written on the bottom. It wasn’t the best she could do, but at least she wasn’t failing. She was making progress. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep tears from coming, and she wasn’t even sure why they threatened.

“Are you going to look at my comments?” Rowan raised an eyebrow.

“Of course, I was just worried. You know how it is.”

“Sure.” Rowan balled his fists and put them in the pockets of his black leather jacket.

“So I’m a bit confused about why you needed to come here today, why you couldn’t just tell me my grade over the phone.”

“Well, I thought,” he began, but Aelin cut him off

“Coffee!” she exclaimed. “Sorry, do you want to sit down? Need some coffee? Or water? That’s pretty much all I have.” She walked into the kitchen and Rowan followed, sitting on a stool at her bar. Aelin began rifling through her cabinets for any beverages that had some sort of nutritional value. She pulled out a half-empty bottle of vodka. “I suppose it’s too early for this, right?” She laughed nervously.

“I’ll have some coffee. Thanks.”

Aelin busied herself, grateful to have a task that would allow her to turn her back to him and compose herself.

“I wanted to come over so you could have the comments, so you could be prepared for the next tests.”

“Well, I can read those when you’ve left. If I have any questions about them I’ll let you know. I have to say, I would have thought our time together would have shown in a better grade.”

“You want a better grade, you’re going to have to work for it, Aelin.”

“What have I been doing the last few weeks, then? Why did we double our sessions?” Aelin turned and set a cup in front of him.

“You’re not applying yourself. I know you can do better, but I think you’re used to people giving things to you. You probably went to a high school where just doing the work got you through, or maybe your parents would just have a stern word with your teachers and they’d make sure you had the proper GPA. It doesn’t work like that here, though. I don’t know why you took that year off, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to give you a break because of it.”

Aelin backed away from the counter as if he had slapped her. “Are you kidding me?” Her lips became a thin line as she took in the assumptions, the insults, the sting that he seemed to have learned nothing about her, that she hadn’t proven herself to him in the slightest.

Rowan took a drink. “No. We’re going to keep up the sessions. You know the material, but you weren’t being critical enough in your analysis. Just take a look at the comments, alright?”

“So this couldn’t have waited until Monday?” Aelin contemplated grabbing that bottle of vodka from the cabinet. No point in stopping if being sober felt like this.

“It could have,” Rowan admitted. “But there was something else.”

Aelin pressed her fingernails into her palms until they hurt.

“I wanted to talk to you about those other messages you sent me.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I do stupid things when I’m drinking. I’m really sorry.” Aelin heard the hope in her own voice, that he wouldn’t believe her now. It was a funny thing, lying and hoping that he saw through the lie.

“I think it’s best if we forget them.” Rowan rubbed the bare spot on his finger, the one he had yet to explain to her. “Once I make sure you pass this class, we won’t have to see each other anymore. Maeve will keep me busy, since I need to prepare my dissertation and then defend. And she has other research she needs my help with. You’ll be busy with other classes, and your friends.”

“Right,” Aelin said. “I’m sure you’re right. Like I said, we should just forget about it.” She grabbed Rowan’s cup though it was still half full. Dumping it in the sink, she turned and leaned against the counter. “So I’ll see you later then.”

Luckily Rowan understood it as a command and stood. “I’ll see you Monday.”

*********

With each step Rowan made towards her apartment door, he nearly turned around. Every inch that he moved away from Aelin felt wrong, somehow. He didn’t want to imagine how she would spend the rest of the day, but reminded himself that it wasn’t his business. There was no point in thinking about how much he wanted to go back there, sit in her living room, listen to her talk about her favorite books, her parents, how she had met her friends.

Rowan shoved his hands in his pockets and was stalking towards his car when a feminine voice sounded behind him. Turning, he saw Lysandra leaning against the railing of Aelin’s porch, arms crossed.

“Lysandra,” he said. He crossed his arms in turn and stood with legs apart. There was no way this tiny, fierce woman was going to intimidate him, which it appeared she wanted to do.

“Rowan.” Lysandra pushed herself off the railing and came nearly nose-to-nose with him. Well, nose-to-chest. She looked up at him and cocked her head. “I think you should reconsider how you treat Aelin.”

“Do you?”

“Yes, I do. I know you didn’t get along at first, and I know you’ve been getting along better since, but she’s gone through a hard time. She needs people around her who support her, not people who push her down.”

“Isn’t that what she has you for? I’m not her friend.”

Lysandra poked a finger in his chest. “That doesn’t mean you can be…” she waved her hands in the air “Like this around her. Glaring and grumpy and determined to find her faults. She deserves better.”

“I don’t know what she deserves, Lysandra, but I think everyone else does a fine job of letting Aelin do whatever she wants.” It was perhaps an ungenerous statement, Rowan admitted to himself. But Aelin would be done with her classes, move on with her life, and he would still be stuck in that town, struggling under Maeve’s shadow his entire career. He wouldn’t have too much pity for someone who had a path out, and hadn’t lost the love of her life.

It was of no consequence, that the sight of Aelin’s mischievous grin caused Rowan to feel like a hole had been carved into the space where his heart used to be.

“You really don’t know anything, do you?” Lysandra scoffed. “And here I was, encouraging her to make nice. She’s lost more than her fair share of people close to her. She’s been through a hell of a lot more than people twice her age, and she’s still here, trying.”

“She told me about Sam, what Arobynn did to him, what is what like living with him.”

Lysandra turned, and Rowan could only assume that she was composing herself. When she turned back around to face him, her face was stone. “That’s only half the story.”

“Ok,” Rowan said. “So what’s the rest?”

Lysandra raised a perfectly-groomed eyebrow. “Do you think you deserve it? After calling her spoiled, assuming she missed class because she was partying, always thinking the worst of her?”

“Maybe not. But I’ve changed my opinion of her. And I think she deserves it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Rowan started, “Aelin is pretty isolated. She has all of you, her friends, but I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people, and still alone. It might do her some good to have someone else who is in her corner, but hasn’t gone through all that stuff with her.”

“And why would you be that person? When you just admitted that you don’t care about what she’s gone through?”

Rowan held up a finger. “That’s not what I said. I care.” He cleared his throat. “It’s just that I think she needs to be pushed harder. She can get better. But she needs to want to.”

“Rowan Whitethorn,” Lysandra sighed, “I think you may be right. Don’t make me regret telling you this.”

*********

Snow crunched under Aelin’s boots Monday. She loved mornings like this, when the cold seemed to put a damper on all activity in the world. It had the eerie effect of making her feel as if the world had fallen asleep and there was no one left to stare, to whisper, or watch her fail. If only it were true, and she could stay here, in the cold and silence.

Aelin watched her breath leave her body in a wisp of white, thought of when she and Nehemia had walked arm-in-arm across campus on mornings like this and her friend’s laughter broke the silence in the most pleasant way possible.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Rowan.

_“I’m going to meet you outside.”_

_“It snowed. It’s cold.”_

Aelin brushed snow from a bench and slumped into it anyway, waiting. A minute passed, then another, and still no response. She barely had the energy to get out of bed that morning, so she sat, relishing the silence. She’d forced herself to read Rowan’s comments on her exam the night before, and had to admit that she understood his reasoning. She wouldn’t tell him that, though. She would just do better.

Rowan came out of the library bundled up, looking like he was going to take off. He held out a hand to her and pulled her to standing. “We’re going to a coffee shop.” Without waiting for Aelin’s response, he began to lead her away, keeping her hand in his.

“What are you doing? Are you trying to make something up to me or what?”

Rowan stopped walking and turned to her. “Of course not. I have nothing to make up for. However, I did take inspiration from you.”

“Inspiration?”

“I was thinking about how to be most effective in our lessons, pedagogically-speaking. And I realized that you need the right environment to learn. Present company aside, which we can’t do anything about, I can at least make sure that you have something nutritional to eat, perhaps some nice quiet music, a soft chair, some décor that looks like it’s not trying but actually cost an arm and a leg. What do you say?”

“Pedagogically-speaking?”

“Yes.”

Rowan still held her hand, and Aelin looked down to where they were joined.  “Well, if you insist. I’m sure this has all been proven in research, right?”

Rowan nodded. “I’ve done extensive reading on the subject.”

Aelin grinned and grasped Rowan’s fingers. The smile that had been threatening to appear on his face vanished, and he said her name in a low, quiet voice. Yanking her hand away, Aelin began to apologize, but he stopped her.

“Arobynn’s here,” he said by way of explanation.

Arobynn had managed to approach them without making a sound, despite the snow and ice on the sidewalks. What had he seen, heard? It hardly mattered now. Aelin wiped her face of emotion and greeted him.

He kissed Aelin on both cheeks before standing back to appraise her. “You seem to be doing well this morning. Just where are you two off to this morning?” Arobynn looked to Rowan, but his expression gave nothing away. However, there was a slight glimmer in Arobynn’s eye that Aelin recognized as his attempt to discern just how he could profit from the situation.

“We are going to work in a café,” Rowan answered. “So we’d better be on our way, we’ve already wasted time.”

“Aelin, I need to speak with you. About the business.” He held a hand out to her. Aelin tried to keep the disgust from her face, but knew Arobynn had caught it. Hell, Rowan probably had as well.

“During spring break. I can come home, and you can explain it to me then. It’s not that far away.”

Arobynn raised an eyebrow. “It’s a few months away, Aelin. Surely you don’t want to put your parents’ interests on hold that long?”

“I’ll come back,” she repeated, “during spring break. I’m sure you can handle any issues until then.”

“I’m afraid not, my dear.” Arobynn reached to grab her elbow, but she slipped from his grasp and moved in closer to Rowan. “I might be forced to make decisions in your absence, decisions you won’t like.”

Rowan tensed, stepping forward. “I think it’s time you go.”

Aelin placed a hand on Rowan’s arm, and he immediately backed down. Arobynn noticed the obedience with no small amount of amusement.

“It seems I am overruled. I have to say, Aelin, I’m not used to you allowing someone to fight your battles for you.”

Aelin bit her tongue so hard she tasted copper. “Goodbye, Arobynn. I’ll give Lysandra your love.”

Arobynn nodded in understanding this to be an order not to seek Lys out before he left. Turning on his heels, he strode away, hands clasped behind his back, taking in the campus. As if he didn’t already know the location of every building already, including where her classes were.

Rowan pulled Aelin’s hand back into his own. “Ready to go?”

She nodded and adjusted her wool cap with her free hand. “Sure.”

The journey to the café passed in silence. They found a seat in a corner, though the small table had them negotiating for space. It felt intimate, despite the constant din of conversation coming from other patrons.

When they finally had their drinks and settled in, Rowan held his hands on Aelin’s laptop, preventing her from opening it.

“What is it?”

“What did he want, Aelin?”

“He probably didn’t want anything but to throw me off balance,” Aelin murmured. She wrapped her hands around her steaming mug. “That’s usually what he wants, when I’ve been gone for too long.”

“And did he? Throw you off?”

Rowan frowned slightly and Aelin found herself wanting to reach up and trace the outline of his tattoos. They had seemed so stark at first, such a complement to his gruff attitude. Now they seemed to soften, to take on the guise of armor, rather than weaponry.

Rowan cleared his throat, and Aelin realized that she had, indeed, reached up to trace his tattoos. Laughing, she took a drink of her hot chocolate. “No. No, he didn’t. Thanks to you.”

“Good. But didn’t I tell you to get something nutritional?”

“You did,” she agreed. “There is milk in here, which is dairy. I can get a sandwich, if it makes you happy. And later I’ll have wine, which is fruit.” She grinned and licked whipped cream from her lips as Rowan watched.

“That’s not quite what I meant,” he murmured, eyes on her mouth.

“Well next time, you’ll know to be more specific in your bargaining.” Aelin set the mug down and lifted Rowan’s hand from her laptop and he threaded his fingers through hers.

“Shall we get to work?” she asked softly. For all his bluster and refusal to acknowledge she had feelings for him, Rowan seemed far too eager to touch her, to misread her attempts to get work done as an excuse to reach for him again.

He pulled his hands away. “Right, work. Let’s get to it.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Rowan continue working together, and he has a surprise trip for her. While they are at the park, he explains his past with Lyria.

Rowan’s morning routine went like this: He was awake by 5am, no later. He made himself an omelette of egg whites, spinach, and mushrooms - no cheese. He checked his email.

Rowan’s email usually looked something like this: reminders to apply for scholarships, for fellowships, for non-tenure track faculty positions with little to no job security, unpaid internships, academic associations whose fees bought access to articles he could already get through the university library, teaching assistantships that paid poverty wages, community outreach programs, research opportunities. There was gentle prodding from well-meaning faculty for graduate students to get as much “experience” as possible. Who needs sleep, they all seemed to imply, who needs to make a living when you have learning and the impossible grind to know and do more than everyone else around you?

Along with these notes about “opportunities” for graduate students was a litany of reminders from Maeve: to pick up books from the library, to send her his notes on the articles she had asked him to read over the weekend, and notice that he would be acknowledged for his assistance in the article he helped her write, rather than named as an author.

At least Maeve never sugar-coated her bullshit.

After quickly deleting the emails that would lead nowhere except another mental breakdown, Rowan flagged the ones he would return to later. Then he went to the gym, the next item in his unwavering schedule. He went to the campus gym, since it didn’t cost him any extra. Going this early in the morning usually meant that he missed having to deal with the undergrads, too, the boys and girls who ogled the way his t-shirt clung. As if he’d be interested in any of them. As if he had the time, between his own work and trying to deal with one Aelin Galathynius.

Rowan favored the weights and headed straight there. His only accompaniment this time of morning was the sound of the two or three other people there, their heavy breathing and the occasional strike of metal on metal as they lifted and lowered the weights. He knew better than to push himself, but there were some mornings where he let the rhythm take over and he became dangerously close to injuring himself in an effort to shut out the noise in his head.

Before, the noise consisted of those emails, Maeve’s deceitful honeyed tones, a door in his past shutting quietly, taking with it the future he thought he’d been guaranteed. Now, a certain blonde undergraduate had been burrowing her way into his thoughts, and with more frequency than he was comfortable with. He wasn’t sure if she was replacing the other noises, or merely edging her way into the cracks, the moments when he wasn’t trying so hard to think about everything that bothered him that he thought of nothing else.

With a final grunt, Rowan finished his sets. Nothing good would come of pushing too hard, he told himself. It seemed he didn’t want to listen to himself, though. Aelin would have got a kick out of that. He laughed quietly, figuring that if no one was around to notice, it wouldn’t really mean anything that he was nearly having a conversation with her in his head.

On his way to the the showers, he passed by a studio that was usually dark this time of morning. Rowan to stop in his tracks. A familiar blonde was there, alone in the light.

Aelin had music blasting from the room’s speaker system, so loud Rowan could hear it from behind the closed glass door. Her back was to the entrance, but the wall of mirrors ensured that he could watch her face. She moved with grace he should have expected from those evenings dancing with her, and yet… there was something stronger, more determined at work here. He wasn’t used to that combination of strength and poise, her movements precise and fluid.

Without allowing for the chance to second-guess himself, Rowan pushed the door open.

Aelin’s eyes flicked to the him but she kept moving, a coordinated round of jabs, punches, and kicks that she kept in time to the fast-paced music as she kept light on her feet. Rowan leaned against a wall, watching her as she watched him. She didn’t miss a beat. Sweat caused her brow and her chest to glisten, and right until the end of the song she kept moving. The music began to fade and then crescendo into the next song, but she walked to her phone to put it on pause. In the sudden quiet, the only sound was Aelin’s breath, her gym shoes squeaking on the hard floor as she returned her phone to its perch and then headed for her water bottle.

“You’re not normally here this time of morning,” Rowan’s voice echoed in the room empty but for them. It wasn’t a question.

“No. I couldn’t sleep.” Aelin walked to the edge of the room where her water bottle sat on the floor. She drank as much as she could before she had to take a break, her chest still heaving from what she had been putting her body through.

“What was that?” Rowan didn’t mean her workout; he wanted to know how she had learned, why she needed to know how to move like that.

“Kickboxing. Remember my job for Arobynn?”

Rowan frowned. “Yes.”

“Why are you here so early?” Aelin grabbed a small towel and began to wipe sweat from her brow.

“I’m always here this time of day.” Rowan shrugged and pushed himself away from the wall. “Can you teach me?”

“What, how to throw a punch?” Aelin set her water bottle back on the ground and placed her hands on her hips.

“No. I mean yeah. The way you do it. It’s like you’re dancing.” Well, this conversation certainly wouldn’t help Rowan forget about Aelin while they were apart, thanks to the way she was smiling at him.

“OK. I can do that. But first, you have to loosen up. Rock on your feet, like this.” Aelin began to shift her weight back and forth, riding the balls of her feet as she moved.

Rowan shook his arms out, stretched his neck, and they went to work.

It was different doing these moves in the quiet, without the beat and noise of Aelin’s music. She was a patient teacher, more gentle than he had been as they hunched over the library table together. She occasionally stopped her own movements to correct his position, his posture, and he let her arrange his body as she wanted. They grew quieter as they made progress through the choreography, nods and glances and small gestures enough to communicate what they needed.

Other students began to trickle into the room, preparing for an aerobics class that was scheduled to begin. They needed to leave. As their lesson came to an end, Rowan thought about the things he had accused her of. The ungenerous assumptions that had gone through his mind, even when he learned differently. His recent conversation with Lysandra was still echoing in his mind, along with a name that nagged at the back of his mind - Chaol, it was.

Rowan had suspected Aelin understood more than she let on, about her lessons, about life, everything. Denial about one’s own responsibilities, one’s own abilities, it was perhaps a defense for her. He could only guess at the weight she carried, though he knew enough.

Watching her drink water and cool down, he had a thought. “Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?”

Aelin bit her lip, and his eyes went straight to her mouth. “Where? After tutoring or what?”

“Yeah. After we get our work done, I want to show you something.”

“OK. As long as you aren’t secretly a pervert and trying to isolate me from my friends and family so you can get all in my pants.”

“Aelin,” Rowan sighed, “I think we’ve already been over this.”

Aelin cocked her head, puzzled.

“At that party. Remember what I said?”

Aelin grinned. “Right. You said that you didn’t want to do me just because of my long blonde hair. Maybe there are other reasons, though?” Her grin widened until it became nearly indecent, especially with the glances that were being thrown their way. It wasn’t as if the addition of a few more bodies made this space any less prone to echoes.

Rowan cleared his throat. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Aelin. Try to stay out of trouble until then.”

“No guarantees,” her voice sang behind him as he left the studio.

*****

Rowan was impatient to get through the lesson the next day. Aelin had thrown herself into their studies like she hadn’t before, though he kept himself from telling her he was impressed. If she was going to get past Maeve, she needed to push harder, do more. Any words of encouragement might lead to her relenting, slipping up.

At this point, Rowan was nearly as invested in her success as Aelin seemed to be, though he didn’t know her final goal. He supposed it was much like every other undergraduate, if her path had been a bit less straightforward. Graduate, get a job, find a spouse. And apparently, forget her past.

He hadn’t told her how much he understood the drive to forget.

When Aelin finally slammed her textbook shut at the end of the hour, Rowan stood.

“So, what did you want to show me?”

“It’s a place, not a thing. Grab your stuff. And bundle up.” Rowan had barked the words out as an order. “It’s cold outside, is all. I think you’ll like it.”

They rode the bus in awkward silence. Rowan had convinced her to leave campus only when he promised that she would appreciate the scenery where they were going. When they finally found their stop, Rowan loosened the scarf at his throat when they stepped out. He gestured ahead, telling her their destination was just up to the right.

As they walked, Aelin shoved her hands in her coat pockets. Rowan could feel her glance over at him periodically. She might have wanted to speak, but he was leading her along at too quick a pace, and they had to keep an eye on the icy sidewalks so they didn’t slip.

Three blocks later, they were there. Rowan pointed to a tall iron gate and held it open for Aelin. “This way.”

On the other side of the grate was a park with monolithic trees, benches lining the sidewalks, and a small lake that stretched its length. It wasn’t grand, but it was quiet, peaceful.

Aelin walked ahead of Rowan and stood at the water’s edge. She seemed lost in herself, and so he waited a moment before joining her. Her hands were still buried in her pockets and her eyelashes brushed her cheeks as she looked down at the water. Her cheeks were tinged with pink from the cold, her lips still soft and - that was the kind of thinking that caused her to invade his thoughts as he attempted to fall asleep at night.

Aelin turned to him. “You wanted to show me this place?”

“Yeah. I come here when I need to be alone. It’s away from campus, and not a lot of people know about it. Even in summer, it’s never very busy.”

Noisy ducks approached the shore, hoping for breadcrumbs. Aelin smiled at them. “It is nice here. I like it.”

Rowan gestured to a bench near the shore. “Do you want to sit down?”

Aelin nodded and followed him.

Once seated, they were quiet. The water hadn’t frozen yet for the winter and quietly lapped at the shore, though lacy bits of ice had begun to form. The disappointed ducks had wandered off, making insistent noises at one another.

“Do you think that our past determines our future?” Aelin asked. Rowan wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it at first, she’d spoken so quietly.

He turned to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” she said, her voice gaining strength, “Do you think that I will always live in the shadow of how my parents died?” She looked at him, challenging. They had never spoken of Rhoe and Evalin Ashryver, the murders that had made front-page news when it happened. Their deaths were occasionally resurrected for the sake of tragedy, to remind everyone else of how at least their lives were better than that. Tragedy porn, Rowan would have called it.

“No, I don’t.” He said it with more confidence than he felt, given the long shadow of his own past. At least his own loss hadn’t determined the fate of so many others, though.

“I think,” he began again, “I think that we get to decide how much time we spend dwelling on the past, obsessing over it, wondering how we might have done better. And if we are going to let it be the only thing that other people know about us. Or we can make the people we’ve lost proud of us.”

Aelin frowned. “What if that’s not possible?”

“If we’re talking about you, I don’t believe that for a second.”

She turned to him, and Rowan smiled at her, but it quickly faded. He pulled off the glove on his left hand.

“You asked about this, before.” He held up his hand, showing the band of skin on his ring finger that was paler than the rest.

“I did,” Aelin said. She refused to look away from him.

“Obviously, I was with someone. And now I’m not. Her name was Lyria, and we were married. We met young, in high school.” Rowan hadn’t had to explain this story to anyone in years. No one cared, no one asked. Now, he felt like a spectator of his own history, trying to put into words the choices he had made that ruined everything.

“I knew I would marry her, the moment I saw her smile. We waited until we graduated from college. I think she would have run off with me before that, if I’d asked.”

Aelin’s expression had softened. He hadn’t known her to be so capable of listening without interruption, of focusing so intently on someone else. Perhaps she thought he would have all the answers for her. Instead, all he had was a sad tale of shitty decisions and regret.

“When I started grad school, we had to move. I asked her to leave behind her family, her friends, everyone, and she did it willingly. But only on the condition that I would be there. That she would have me. And she didn’t.”

Rowan sighed and put his glove back on.

“I didn’t know how demanding it would all be. That Maeve would take every spare ounce of energy I would have, the research, the projects, the volunteering, the conferences. I was never around. And then Lyria miscarried.”

Aelin reached over and gripped his hand.

“That was the last straw. She had given everything up for me, and then she ended up losing what little she had left. Me, our baby. So she went back home. I haven’t talked to her since.” The sound of their apartment door closing quietly behind her echoed in his head. Again. Every day since, he heard that door shut, and he assumed he would repeat it in his head until the end.

“I’m sorry,” Aelin said. The words floated in the air for a moment, riding the tide of sympathy that Rowan assumed people gave out of obligation. But he didn’t see the same morbid curiosity in Aelin.

“How long has it been?”

“Three years,” Rowan answered. “After she left, I forgot everything but work. Not like I was better before. But Maeve was pleased. She always thought relationships were a distraction.”

“What a bitch,” Aelin murmured. “Why do you put up with her? Honestly, can’t you just find another advisor or… something else to study? Get a PhD in like… how to intimidate undergrads. Or how to drink a lot and still get up in the morning for doing smart shit. Or hey! Tattoos! You could study tattooing. Although you might have to make it the study of tattoos through time or something. You know, for those academic types.”

Rowan chuckled, shook his head and gripped her hand tighter. “Nope. As interesting as all of those sound, I love what I do. And Maeve is the best. Even if she is a bitch. And what’s the point, anyway? What do I have at risk, now that I’ve lost everything?”

Aelin looked down to where he held her hand. Rowan hadn’t realized, but his question had been in earnest. It had been a long time since he’d felt protective of his time away from his research. Since he’d wanted to do anything other than drown himself in routine and work.

“Maybe you have more than you think, Rowan.” Aelin stroked the back of his hand with her thumb, the thick fabric of their gloves allowing them the freedom to pretend they weren’t involved in anything intimate.

“At least the mortality rate isn’t high for those in your line of work,” Aelin continued.

Rowan leaned his head back and began to laugh, slow, coming from low in his stomach, until he had to cover his mouth to keep from roaring with it.

Aelin smacked Rowan’s arm. “You know you’re reaction is completely inappropriate, right? Did no one teach you that in your fancy ass graduate classes? Or is being awkward as fuck just expected of future professors?”

Rowan continued laughing, standing to straighten his coat.

Aelin pursed her lips, shaking her head. But when Rowan extended his hand, she took it and he helped her stand.

“Are you done now?” she asked.

Rowan took in her flushed cheeks, the red tip of her nose, the way her forest green wool hat contrasted against her blonde hair. “I suppose so.” He took his glove off again before running his thumb along her jaw.

“It’s cold,” Aelin said, wrapping her arms around herself. There was a strength to her now, even when she seemed unsure about his intentions. He wondered if she even knew how she felt about him, when everything in him was screaming to either kiss her, or turn around and run.

“I’ll bring you back in the spring, then,” Rowan answered softly. He placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her in. There was no mistaking the hitch in her breath, not with the telltale puff of air failing to escape her lips.

Rowan lifted Aelin’s chin, forcing her to look at him. He didn’t know what she expected, but he guessed that she didn’t expect him to kiss her.

It was soft, at first, as if he were waiting for her to pull away. She held her breath instead, not wanting to move for fear of breaking the moment, he hoped. Rowan shifted his hand from her chin and brushed his fingers along her jaw before resting his palm on the back of her neck and pushing against her, harder, insistent, wanting to taste her as much as feel her lips against his. She was softer than he expected, given the cold, dry winter air. He could feel the roughness of his own lips against hers and would have regretted it, but for what she did next.

Aelin wrapped her arms around Rowan’s waist and opened her mouth in a small sigh. He groaned in approval, winding his fist in her hair and taking every bit that she was willing to give, offering her every piece of himself at the same time.

Perhaps it was too soon, maybe he would lose her and it would kill him, but just for a minute, it wouldn’t matter. Here, in the silence of this park, the cloudy sky closing in on them and the snow falling with a whisper, he would take her in his arms and make her forget her past, the loss of her parents, Nehemia and Sam, and he could offer her a present full of contentment.

Rowan pulled away first, breathless. There might be a time and place for more, but they still had a long road to travel.

“What was that for?” Aelin asked. As if she hadn’t enjoyed it every bit as much as he had.

“How am I supposed to answer that, Aelin? Should I flatter you and tell you are irresistible?”

Aelin grinned.

“Or should I tell you that I think you are the strongest woman I’ve ever met, that I want to heal every injury that life has dealt you, that I know you don’t need me to be, but I will always be in your corner, fighting to make sure you get everything you deserve?”

“Are you sure you aren’t just kissing me because you’re sad?” she asked, a small, false laugh on the end of her question. Even still, they both had pieces of armor that refused to budge, welded on after years of loss.

In answer, Rowan leaned down again, brushing his lips against her forehead. “Don’t be stupid. Now let’s get you home.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin worries about how Rowan will react to their kiss, and Maeve gives Rowan a subtle threat regarding his relationship with Aelin.

Aelin woke with a grin on her face. A stupid, shit-eating grin that she needed to get rid of before she left the house. Lysandra would never let her live it down, Elide would pester her for details, and Dorian would just sit quietly, smiling at her until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Reaching up, she touched her lips and clenched her eyes shut. If only she could live in that feeling: Rowan pressed against her, the whisper of snow falling around them, the way he held her, the way he smelled. It caused a thrill to go through her, remembering.

They had walked back to the bus stop and then parted ways on campus, hardly speaking. She was afraid to break the spell, to ask what he felt. If it was more than mere whim. It might have killed her to know that all the small acts of kindness and protection that he had displayed were nothing more than show. The idea that Rowan didn’t actually care about her, but was merely serving some sort of penance for how he had treated Lyria, was enough to cause her stomach to turn.

Aelin buried herself beneath the duvet, willing the memory to come back and turn into a dream, to allow her one last glimpse. Then her alarm went off.

“Shit.” Aelin stretched her limbs, accepting the cold rush of reality and the literal cold rush of air that hit her when she threw the blankets to the side. She tried to be in a bad mood, and realized she couldn’t be. She refused to look at her phone until absolutely necessary, knowing that it would only work to further break the spell.

Funny thing, to realize that the suffocation of loss could be temporary. Or at the very least, not present at every moment of her life. Swinging her legs to the edge of the bed, Aelin bit her lip. She was going to see Rowan again later that day. For tutoring. She definitely needed to get rid of this stupid smile before then.

Aelin decided to make herself breakfast, since she had gotten out of bed on time. She needed to keep busy so that she wouldn’t think of the way her hands had drifted beneath her waistband the evening before while she waited to fall asleep. There - that got rid of her smile. She thought of the humiliation she would feel if Rowan knew that she had been thinking of him then, as she shifted her hips and settled into a comfortable position, closing her eyes and imagining what might have happened if he’d kissed her in the relative privacy of the study room. Or in a dark corner of the bar, rather than the snow-white daylight of that park.

Things might have turned out very differently, but she felt that was as dangerous to consider as the possibility that Rowan wanted her. Her, the pain in the ass he had called spoiled and continually underestimated. Well, _she_ thought he underestimated her. A tiny, niggling bit of insecurity began to whisper, to tell her that it was all a mistake and that he would walk into that room and tell her that it would never happen, that he was looking for someone less damaged.

And there it went - that smile was gone for good. No need to worry about that, now.

Aelin packed up her bag, grabbed her phone, and headed for campus.

*****

“And you know your second test is next week, right before spring break, right? So you’ll be able to take it easy then, enjoy yourself.” Rowan sat back in his chair. “Do whatever it is that you and your friends are planning on doing. I’m sure it will be filled with things I’d rather not know about.”

Aelin nodded. “Yeah, I remember. And I don’t have plans for spring break, actually.” He hadn’t said anything about it. Not a damn thing about their kiss, and the hour was almost up. She began to pack up her things, trying to keep the disappointment from showing itself as anger.

“Aelin, I think we should talk.”

She paused. “Talk? About what?”

“About our trip to the park. The fact that you kissed me.”

Aelin started. “ _I_ kissed _you_? I’m sorry, that’s not how I remember it.” She could feel her nostrils flare in indignation. “Besides, I assumed you didn’t want to talk about it. Since all you’ve talked about is Europe the last hour.” She shoved her textbook into her bag for emphasis.

“Aelin Galathynius, you are one of the most infuriating people I have ever met.” Rowan shook his head. He reached across the table, covering her hands with his, stopping her from gathering her things.

“What do you mean?” She let him keep her hands in his own.

“I mean that I wanted to keep that hour professional. Do you think we would have gotten any work done if we’d started talking about kissing?” He looked at her mouth. “Do you think I would have been able to concentrate if we’d started talking about how I - we - feel?”

That smile began to make another appearance on Aelin’s face. “I suppose not.”

Rowan stood, keeping Aelin’s hand in his as he guided her to standing. He pressed their palms together before wrapping his fingers around her hands and leaning in to give her a soft kiss on the cheek.

“You did kiss me,” he said softly, moving backwards quickly to protect himself from her wrath. He held his grip on her hands and, once assured that the danger had passed, wrapped her arms around his waist.

“You kissed me first,” Aelin said, muffled against his chest. She couldn’t look at him. Everything would be written there, every emotion and desire and wish she had in this moment would be written in script on her face, script that only he could read.

“How about we saw it was mutual?” He leaned over to kiss her other cheek, forcing her to lift her head away from his chest.

Aelin nodded. “I don’t compromise. You should know that about me, first off.”

Rowan laughed, throwing his head back. “Like I said, infuriating.” He looked at their hands, watching the fingers twine and move against each other. “I like you, Aelin. A lot.”

Aelin bit the inside of her cheek to keep her smile from spreading across the entire length of her face like she was a damn cartoon character. She loosed one of her hands from his grip and placed her palm on his chest. He was warm and soft, hard and yielding at the same time. She could feel his heart beat.

“I like you, too,” she whispered.

“So what are we going to do about that?” he asked.

Finally, Aelin allowed herself to look up at Rowan. His tattoos, his silver hair, his sharp jaw, all of it looked softer. “What do you propose?”

“I think we should go on a date,” Rowan said.

“A date?” Aelin pursed her lips. This was a thing she’d heard of, maybe even daydreamed about, in another life. One where Sam was alive and she could imagine having a future tied to someone else’s. Now, it was something that normal girls did. Not her. Yet just beneath the surface of her doubt, was hope. The suggestion that she might be able to join some aspect of her life, that all her happiness hadn’t been used up.

“Yeah. Would you want to?” Given Rowan’s usually gruff and directive attitude, it was odd to hear him ask a question. But why wouldn’t he?

“I think I would.” That smile, the bane of her day since the moment she woke, took over, and Aelin didn’t care.

*****

Aelin paced back and forth by her front door. Rowan was going to show up any minute, and she had no idea where he was going to take her. She felt as if she were seeing everything with new eyes. A lightness had come into her step, even as she felt the shadow of the past nipping at her heels.

For now, at least, she would ignore them.

Her doorbell rang, and Aelin started. She’d forgotten she even had one, since Lysandra usually just burst in after knocking once, and everyone else just wandered in as they felt.

Aelin opened the door and greeted Rowan. “Hi.” How stupid. Hi?

“Hi, Aelin.” He gripped her shoulders and kissed her cheek. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, of course.” She turned to grab her coat, but stopped short. “Actually, can I show you around first? The last time you were here was… a little weird.”

“I’d love you to.” He raised his hand. “Ladies first?”

Aelin grinned. “OK. Well here is the living room.” She bowed with flourish, indicating the space. “All of my books, where people generally sit to hang out.” She turned to another doorway, but stopped. “This is the kitchen, but you’ve seen that.”

Aelin began to lead him down the hall to her bedroom, but she realized he wasn’t following. Instead, Rowan had wandered over to her shelves. She had private pictures there; pictures of herself with Sam, Nehemia, and her parents. Rowan went straight to those, the ones that showed Aelin with a wide smile, Sam’s arm around her shoulders. He moved to the one with Nehemia, their expressions bright as they painted together. Aelin’s painting had turned out horribly, but she had Nehemia’s painting from that night shoved in the back of her closet.

A glimmer of panic began in the pit of her stomach. Rowan turned to her. “Nehemia?” he asked, “And Sam?”

She nodded, and he moved on to the pictures of her parents. Each was a memory that she could recall in minute detail. Where they were, what the weather had been like, what they had been laughing about. It all came rushing back to her as if the wounds were fresh. And they were fresh, raw, with Rowan looking at them, unknowing. He had no idea how happy she had been at one point in her life. The people she had had around her who would never come back.

Aelin felt a wrench in her chest to realize that she could go back to those places, but there would always be an empty space where the people she loved had been. She wanted to be sick. To scream. To ask why it was that she had lost them. It nearly tore her in half, but she kept the storm inside.

At least when Lysandra or Dorian or Elide looked at the photos, they understood. They knew the cost of being Aelin Galathynius, and didn’t make her experience every moment of happiness that turned into absence as if it were happening all over again.

Aelin clenched her fists tightly. “Can I show you the rest?”

Rowan turned. Walking over to her, he placed a hand on her back. “Please. Show me the rest.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, that she didn’t have to explain anything. Perhaps later, she would tell him. But right now was too soon.

Aelin showed Rowan the bathroom, a rather large place, considering she was living alone. When they reached her bedroom, she walked in and sat on the edge of the bed.

“And this is where I sleep.”

“Sleep, huh?” Rowan raised an eyebrow.

“Of course. What else would you do in bed?” She flushed, thinking back to her wandering fingers, the scene that had been going through her head. “Don’t answer that. Never mind.”

Rowan nodded, strolling around the room with his hands in his pockets. It was luxurious, but she had managed to tidy the place before he came over. Her bedding was forest green, silk, offset by stark white walls and furniture with gold hardware. More books teetered on the edge of her dresser, and the hem of dresses stuck out of the door of her closet.

Sighing, she opened it and pushed the fabric back in.

“Shall we go?” Rowan asked.

“Of course. I’m just not sure where we are going yet.”

“That,” he responded, holding out his arm, “Is a secret.”

Aelin rested her arm on his, but shook her head. “Just tell me, Rowan.”

“It will be nice. I promise.”

*****

By the time they reached the greenhouse, Aelin was convinced that Rowan had no idea how to take a woman on a date. Perhaps he was rusty, not in the game anymore, but she was becoming impatient. However, walking into the warm, damp space, Aelin took in all the greenery, and felt like she was home.

Turning to Rowan, she asked, “What are we doing here?”

He had pulled a box from the trunk of his car, refusing to tell her what was in it. He set it down in front of a bench, and looked up at her. “Would you like to guess?” His hands rested on the flaps of the box, and patience was not her strong suit.

“Food? A lot of food?” she asked hopefully.

Rowan laughed. “Yep. I’ve definitely found a smart one.” He pried open the box and began pulling out packages of cheese, cured meats, olives, and bread.

Aelin sighed in happiness. “Do you have any…”

Rowan held up a bottle of wine, cutting her off.

She nodded sagely, grabbing it from him. “Perfect.” She held it to her chest. “Just what I needed.”

“I would hope you are having a good enough time that alcohol isn’t required,” Rowan said. He tried to sound like he was joking, but there was something underneath it.

“Of course!” Aelin exclaimed. “It’s just that you can’t eat this kind of food without wine to go along. Which I’m sure you knew.” She shot him a sweet smile before pulling a corkscrew from her purse.

Rowan burst out laughing. “Do you always carry that around with you?”

Aelin looked up, wine bottle between her legs and corkscrew partially embedded. “Yeah. Why not?”

Rowan shook his head. “Nothing. Never mind, Aelin.” He offered her a portion of cheese. “Think that will go well with this?”

The next couple of hours passed in such a haze of delicious food and good conversation that Aelin lost track of where they were, what day it was, and why they had even met. That was a dangerous topic, prone to leading to Nehemia, and thankfully, the thought never entered her mind.

However, another question had been on the tip of her tongue all evening.

“So why are we here?” Aelin munched on a few olives before reaching for more cheese.

“This is one of my favorite places to go in the city.” Aelin raised an eyebrow. “Don’t give me that look. I’m serious. My life is…” Rowan ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s hectic. It’s demanding. There are few places I can find peace.”

“And so you brought me here? You realize I’m likely to ruin the silence, right?” Aelin reached for her glass and finished it off, holding it aloft to indicate that Rowan should refill her wine.

He poured as he spoke. “This is my peaceful place. That doesn’t mean it’s my quiet place. I like to listen to you. I admire you, and I’d like to get to know you better.” Rowan finished emptying the bottle into her glass and sat back.

Aelin took a drink. “You admire me? That’s… not what I’d call romantic.”

“Then how about this, Aelin?” He leaned forward, brushing her jaw with his fingers. “I think you are fascinating. I think you are brilliant, if you would let yourself be. And I think you can heal.” He sat back, leaving a void of space and humid air between them. “I think you will.” He shook his head, looking down at his own glass. “I’ve never met anyone like you. Most people just… let it consume them. They never would have come back to school. I gave up on everything else but my work, which is basically the same thing as giving up. But on life.”

Rowan reached back up to brush her cheek with the back of his hand. “But you, Aelin. You make me want to give life another try.”

Aelin set down her glass and turned towards Rowan. She placed her arms over his shoulders, leaning her forehead on his. Sighing, she tried to think of what to say. As if she could ever repay the faith he’d had in her, when so many were willing to say she had given up on her family, her birthright.

Closing the space between them, Aelin kissed Rowan. It lasted longer than before, and felt familiar already. They sighed and melted into one another. After breaking away, Aelin rested her head on Rowan’s shoulder. Indeed, there was little sound in the place. Rowan must have found a way to get them in after hours. Aelin hadn’t realized it at first, but they hadn’t seen any other patrons.

With a start, she sat up. “Rowan, I have an idea.”

His arm still around her waist, Rowan looked puzzled, like he had been pulled into a reality he had forgotten existed, one where her head was not nuzzled on his shoulder.

“What’s your idea?”

“You know how I said I don’t have plans for spring break?”

“Sure.”

“How about we do something? I could show you my hometown. Or we could go somewhere completely different, just get away for a while.” Aelin stopped, realizing that, on her first date with a man, she was asking him to go on a trip with her.

“Actually, never mind, I’m sure you’re busy.” She slumped back against the bench. Not only was she being too forward, but he would never want to go with her. Not the drunken mess who couldn’t leave her past behind long enough to study for a test.

“You know, Aelin, I think that sounds nice.”

Aelin sat back up. “Are you sure? I’m not sure where we could go, I just thought of it.”

“Yeah.” Rowan pulled her in close to him again. “I think it could be good. To get to know one another. For the sakes of pedagogy and research and effectiveness.” He looked down at her and grinned.

“Will Maeve be mad? If you’re gone for a week?”

Rowan’s tone turned somber. “Let me deal with that.”

*****

Rowan walked to his advisor’s office with a stupid, shit-eating grin on his face. His muscles were already aching from the unfamiliarity of it. Hell, he hadn’t even realized that there were facial muscles capable of making this expression. He hadn’t smiled, let alone for any period of time, since Lyria had left. Only when he was dancing at the bar with Aelin, and he should have known then. He should have reached for her earlier.

He scanned his badge to let him into the building. It was necessary on weekends, when only those workaholics without families would still come in. Rowan knew Maeve would be here. The thought of what he had to do felt like a lead weight in his stomach.

The idea of Maeve’s reaction to his news was enough to cause his smile to fall into a worried frown. At least that frown wouldn’t cause any questions. But he already had an idea of what her response would be when he told her he would be unavailable for work - unreachable, in fact - for an entire week.

Rowan knocked gently on her office door and waited to be called inside.

When he entered, he waited until she invited him to sit, then took his usual chair.

“Rowan, what would you be doing in my office today? Shouldn’t you be in the library, researching or writing?”

It was a gentle insult and a joke, all in one. He gripped his armrests. “I needed to tell you something, Maeve.”

She sat back in her chair, her perpetually-amused expression not quite a smile. No one would have known how hard she worked, given how she was always so put-together. Her suit was freshly laundered, her deep purple lipstick never would have dared venturing outside the boundaries she had carefully constructed with lip liner, and her hair never would have even hinted at being out of place.

“Well, out with it. I have work to do. As do you.”

“Spring break is coming. I know that I said I would be in town, that I didn’t have plans, but I’m going to be gone. In fact you won’t be able to reach me. I’ll work ahead, make sure that any deadlines during or after the week are met ahead of time.” He cleared his throat. “I’m going on a trip with Aelin.” Better to be honest. She would find out anyway, and would make him pay for what she would consider his duplicity.

Maeve looked down at her manicure, picking at an imaginary hangnail. “And do you think that’s wise?”

Rowan crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Say what you want to say, Maeve.”

“Oh,” she crooned, “I like this Rowan. Is it because of her? Has she given you a spine?” She laughed, and it would have been a lovely sound if it weren’t so cruel. Maeve stood and walked around her desk. She leaned against it, crossing her arms to mirror Rowan, but managing to look so much more relaxed in the posture.

“What I want, Rowan, is your undivided attention. You’ve done it for me once.” He flinched. “You can do it again.”

Lyria was a subject that Maeve liked to parade around, an example of how Rowan was ultimately loyal to his work, to her, above all. But she would never be so crass as to say the name out loud.

“And if I don’t? If I go with her?”

Maeve tapped her fingernails on the spotless, varnished surface of her desk. “I’m concerned for you, Rowan. That you are letting yourself slip. Your work has suffered in quality.” She said this as she looked out of her window, as casually as if she had told him it was sunny, when in reality it was a blow to his academic career.

Rowan stayed silent. Waiting for the axe to fall.

“How about this, Rowan. You give me your word, right now, that you will stay here over break and assist me, work on your own research, and all will be forgiven.” Maeve pushed herself off her desk in a smooth motion, extending her hand.

As if he had offended her in some way, as if there was something to forgive.

She cocked her head, hand still extended. “Deal?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Rowan go on a trip together. She finds out the results of her second test, and they find out what it's like to be together without the pressures of Maeve and Arobynn hanging over them.

Aelin pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time. Her mind wandered immediately and she pulled it back out again, focusing on the numbers and forcing them into some kind of sense.

She and Rowan had made plans to meet at the bus station a half hour ago. They were going away to an apartment they had rented, nestled at the foot of mountains and overlooking a valley that was beginning to show the first signs of spring. Or at least she hoped. The weather would be unpredictable, this time of year.

Then again, Rowan could be unpredictable, too. It wasn’t like him to be late, but here she was, tapping her foot on the sidewalk. One minute he seemed protective of her in more than an older brother way, and the next he was being a complete jackass. And then he kissed her. Normally, she wasn’t one for mixed signals. She preferred to get straight to the point and be honest, oftentimes consequences be damned.

Aelin checked the time again. Forty minutes late.  
  
Aelin nearly expected Rowan’s luggage to be at least half work-related. It was far too early for her to feel like she could demand his time, though. She knew as well as anyone else, how important some goals were. And Rowan had given up his wife, his marriage, to complete his work with Maeve. She might be disappointed if he showed up with his laptop and a stack of theory books with titles so long they deserved acronyms, but it wasn’t as if she’d earned the right to complain.

Since the day they had made these plans, she and Rowan had gone on three more dates and Aelin had taken her second test. She didn’t have the results yet, but Rowan was supposed to bring them. At least that was one more non-work related thing she knew he would have, or at least one thing he wouldn’t be able to work on while there. Slumping onto a bench outside the station, she checked her phone again, this time for a text. Nothing.

When strong arms grabbed her shoulders from behind, Aelin jumped up, spinning, grabbing the assailant’s wrists and pinning them together.

Rowan raised an eyebrow. “I should have remembered you are always on edge.”

Aelin released him, straightening her jacket. “Old habit, sorry. It’s not about being on edge.” She crossed her arms. “You’re late.”

“I know, apologies. But I thought you’d prefer waiting, if it meant I could bring you this.” He held out the stack of papers she had completed the day before. Her second test.

Grabbing the papers from him, she spun back around to sit on the bench, flipping through the pages. “Couldn’t you just put the grade on the front like a decent person? Do they teach you specifically how to torture your students, or is that your speciality?” Aelin glanced up at Rowan. “Or did you learn if from Maeve?”

Rowan sat down next to her and Aelin felt his warmth spreading immediately. He hadn’t given her much space.

“I do it just for you, Aelin.” Her name came out muffled, since she had reached one hand over to cover his mouth while she searched for her grade.

Aelin finally reached the last page, and looked up at Rowan. “An A?”

“Yep. You took me seriously, apparently. Nice job.”

“This isn’t just because I let you make out with me, right?”

“ _Let_ me make out with you? I’m fairly certain I was the one doing you a favor. And yes, you earned this one. You know I wouldn’t give you something you hadn’t worked for.”

Aelin snorted. “Yeah, I’ve figured that out by now.” She stood, gathering her bag. “And also yes, you did get the pleasure of making out with me, but I’m not really sure about continuing to allow that to happen, considering how late you were today.” She made a show of looking for the bus they needed to board.

Rowan stood in front of Aelin, blocking her field of vision.

“Can I help you with something?” she asked.

He leaned down and placed a kiss on her cheek. “I’ll make it up to you.” He shifted, kissing the point where her jaw and her neck met. “I’ll make you see how the pleasure…” he kissed the other side of her jaw- “is all yours.”

Swatting him away, Aelin headed towards the information kiosk. “Let’s get our tickets and get out of town.”

*****

Rowan had chosen the place they were staying. Aelin had wanted to, and had only agreed to let him after she presented him with a list of requirements that needed to be met. That it included a refrigerator for cheese and wine and a large bathtub had only made his eyebrows raise. When she asked if they might find a place near a spa, he rolled his eyes and suggested she go away with someone like Dorian instead.

The trip there was only a few hours drive, and Aelin had curled up in between Rowan and the window, intending to read, but fell asleep. When she woke, she found that her book had been tucked away safely in her bag and she had been covered with a small blanket that she hadn’t brought. Looking around, she realized that it didn’t belong to the transportation company. Rowan must have brought it with him and kept it in his carry-on luggage.

The station was a few blocks away from the apartment, and they walked to it. There was a distinct coolness in the air, different than she was used to, and a hush over the town, as if in anticipation for something. Aelin wasn’t from the area, but she wondered if their spring break vacation would have less-than-ideal weather.

Rowan retrieved the key from the lockbox outside the door and opened it while Aelin waited. She tried to follow him inside, but he cursed softly and stopped walking, causing Aelin to run into his back.

“What’s going on? Can I come join on this magical trip to the mountains or am I sleeping in the hall?”

Rowan turned, frowning. “You just might have to.” He stepped aside so that Aelin could look inside. The place was decidedly smaller than the pictures online had led her to believe. They were aware that it was a studio, but it said that it slept two. Apparently, that meant on the same mattress, in very cramped quarters.

“I call the bed,” Aelin said.

Rowan dumped his bag on the floor and allowed her to enter.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine there next to your things.” Aelin stepped inside and looked around. There was a closet, which she quickly appropriated for her own things. The bathroom, thankfully, was normal person-sized, but every other part was ruefully small. Especially for two people who hadn’t intended on making this an especially romantic getaway.

Aelin nudged Rowan’s bag with the toe of her shoe. “What’s in there? Work stuff? Academic stuff? Will they revoke your smart badge if you don’t read that stuff for a week?”

“Aelin,” Rowan began, but she cut him off.

Placing her hand over her mouth in mock horror, she continued. “Don’t tell me you can’t even go a day without? That’s some hardcore learning you’re involved in, Whitethorn.”

Rowan leaned over to unzip his bag and then stepped back. Clothes. It was full of clothes.

“Oh,” Aelin said. Turning to him, she stood as close as she could without touching him. “Way to show some self-restraint. Rowan.” She grinned, clasping her hands behind her back, as if she had no intention of reaching for him.

“You have no idea how much restraint I have to show when I’m around you, Aelin.” Rowan lowered his head, making a show of getting as close as he could without kissing her. Aelin closed her eyes, waiting, but felt a cold rush of air when he stepped away.

“Shall we get some food?”

“Yes,” Aelin sighed. She may have been playing at being brash, but a part of her was still afraid that once Rowan became fully entrenched in her world, he might not like what he found.

*****

Rowan and Aelin wandered the small mountain town for an hour before they found a place that was open. It was small, Italian, and perfect. Aelin ordered three entrees, and then asked Rowan what he wanted, which had caused him to laugh so hard he couldn’t talk. Once she became visibly annoyed, he composed himself and ordered his own food.

The skies were darkening, a strange sickly grey taking over. They hadn’t seen sun since they had left the bus station and it didn’t look like it would come back. Their apartment had a small fireplace, and so when Rowan suggested that they take the food back there, Aelin was more than enthusiastic.

Unboxing the food back in the apartment, Aelin let out a happy sigh, then stopped, looking around. She had forgotten she was capable of such a noise. Rowan was taking off his jacket and settling in, starting the fire after having found the corkscrew for their wine and opening the bottle, but Aelin found something charming and domestic in the scene.

Right now, she was just a woman, preparing to eat dinner with a man she cared about, while he made sure that the space they inhabited was comfortable for the two of them. It was so simple, and yet… it was everything. This was something she hadn’t felt in so long that she had forgotten to even miss it.

A place in her chest began to fill, and it ached. But it was a pleasant sort of ache, and Aelin clung to it, hoping that even if it didn’t last, she might be able to recall the memory by sensation alone and transport herself back here.

Swallowing her fears, Aelin sidestepped the island counter of the kitchen and laid two plates on the table. They were overflowing, and she set them down with flourish as if she had prepared the food herself. Rowan smiled at her and grabbed his fork, waiting.

It wasn’t the first meal they had shared together. But it was the first time in a place that felt like it could have been a home.

The distinct domestic nature to their dinner must have affected Rowan as well because halfway through her plate, Aelin had to put music on to make up for some of the silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, necessarily, but it gave her far too much time to think about what they were doing there.

By the time they had finished, hours had passed. Without noticing, Rowan had put her at ease, asking about her life in ways that never led to sensitive or difficult topics, while she teased him and learned more about his odd friendship with Lorcan. He had other friends, she was surprised to learn, but they were often traveling.

When they finished, Rowan offered to take the dishes. Aelin didn’t even both pretending to protest, handing them over happily. She tried to wander the space while he cleaned and put away their leftovers, but there wasn’t much to look at. Finally, she sat on the edge of the bed, watching him, waiting.

He finished, wiping his hands off on a dishrag, and hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his jeans. “So, what next?”

There wasn’t a tv, and neither of them had brought a laptop. Three glasses of wine and a day of travel in, Aelin wasn’t sure she could do much. But at the same time, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to sleep in the same room as Rowan.

Rummaging through her bag, Aelin produced a small plastic bag. “I brought a treat.”

“Outside?” Rowan asked.

“Yep. We’re definitely not smoking this in here. We’ll get a shit review if they smell it.”

Aelin threw on Rowan’s sweatshirt before opening the glass door, looking to him to see his reaction, but he gave her no indication of whether or not he was pleased by her wearing his clothing.

Outside the chill had become deeper, causing Aelin to begin shivering as they passed the pipe back and forth. It made her forget her worries but it also loosened her tongue, making her feel as if consequences would never reach her. Of course, they always would.

By the time they came inside, Aelin felt much better about having to share this small space with Rowan overnight.

They prepared for bed, taking turns in the bathroom. Aelin had packed her normal nightwear - rather delicate for this climate, but cold weather hadn’t been on her mind when she thought “spring break”.

Nor had sleeping in the same bed as Rowan.

Waiting for Rowan to take his turn in the bathroom, Aelin wandered to the window, pushing aside the curtains. The formerly grey sky had taken on a pale orange hue in the night sky from the local streetlights. It would have looked very different in a city, the orange more vibrant, widespread. Here, its edges faded to black as the population grew sparse.

The bathroom door opened and Aelin heard movement behind her.

“It’s snowing.” She said it simply, as if she had expected it. As if nothing in the world were more natural, or more melancholy, than watching the large white flakes fall from the sky.

Rowan came to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Aelin placed one hand on his arm and the other reached up to place her palm on the cold glass, watching it fog where her breath hit, thinking about how comfortable the blankets on the bed would be, especially with Rowan there to help warm them.

It had been a long time since she’d had anyone there with her. The thought of Chaol turned her stomach and she tried to push him away, but her revulsion was tempered with disappointment. In herself, in him, that the man she thought she would spend so much more of her life with was miles away, doing who knew what.

They had spent every day talking, checking in with one another, sharing the most inane, inconsequential stories from their day, and now it was all for nothing.

Rowan kissed her ear, and Aelin’s toes curled. Who cared about the past, when she had him?

“What would you like to do now?” he asked.

“I’m actually really tired,” Aelin confessed. She hoped it didn’t sound like an excuse to get into bed - or to get him into bed, or to avoid spending more time together in such a closed setting - but it was the truth. “I called the bed already. But I mean, we could share?” Aelin moved away from the window and sat on the edge of the bed. “But only if you promise no funny business.”

Rowan chuckled and held his hands up. “Promise. But only if you’re ok with it.”

“Yeah, I am.” She slid underneath the covers, settling in. Rowan followed after turning off the lights and opening the curtains, so they could watch the snow, he explained.

Aelin sunk into Rowan’s arms, their bodies pressed together and sharing warmth. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the weight of him behind her, the strength in his arms, the brush of his breath on her neck. Aelin took in each sensation separately, trying to ensure that she would be able to recall this peace when they returned home, but certain that nothing would match this.

*****

Rowan woke the next morning to the smell of something that should have been appetizing, but didn’t quite fit the criteria. Crinkling his nose, he tried to place the scents. There was something slightly sweet and doughy, and there was definitely bacon, but there were also spices that didn’t belong, ruining the overall effect. It was as if a child were trying to make breakfast, having only a vague idea of what human beings ate.

He rolled over in bed, knowing he would find the other side empty, and grabbed his shirt from the drawer in the nightstand. Running his hand through his hair, he looked over to the kitchen.

Somehow, in a space that was smaller than his bathroom at home, Aelin was attempting to make breakfast, and had fit more dirty dished and clutter into the area than he had realized was possible. That was a talent he’d have to commend her on. But later, after he had a somewhat full stomach.

Standing, Rowan offered his help. “Did you go to the store this morning?” Now closer to the scene of the crime, he tried to figure out how Aelin had managed to make the apartment smell this fascinating combination of appetizing, yet causing his instincts to tell him that nothing here was edible.

“Yep!” Aelin chirped. She flipped a pancake. It was a bit browner than it should have been, but syrup could mask that. Rowan reached for clean plates and set the table, then went to find the syrup, coming up short.

“Aelin, did you get everything we need?”

“I think so. I love breakfast, but I usually buy it. With Lysandra. Or she comes over and makes it for me.” She turned around, and Rowan felt like she had taken his heart into her fist and given it a gentle shake while promising to treat it with care.

Aelin wore a frilled apron around her waist, her hair was up in a bun, and she had pancake batter… well, she had it everywhere. She wasn’t going to be able to wear those clothes outdoors.

“Aelin, what did you put in the pancakes?” He hesitated to ask, a voice yelling at him to just shove the things in his mouth and deal with it, but he needed to know.

“I bought blueberries, cinnamon, and I also found some cardamom and curry powder in the cabinets.” She frowned. “Do those things not go together?”

“Well,” Rowan answered, “the blueberries certainly would have been fine, and even the cinnamon. But the cardamom and curry might have been better served in Indian-style pancakes. Except I don’t think those exist.”

“Oh.” Aelin flipped the burner off. “So… you don’t want any pancakes?”

Rowan shook his head gently.

“We can eat the bacon at least, right?” she asked hopefully.

“Yeah. Let’s just scrape off the burnt parts. And then maybe find a good breakfast place.”

Aelin took off her apron and joined Rowan at the table, bearing a plate of bacon. They munched in silence, Rowan thinking of how it had felt to have her in his arms all night in that narrow bed, wondering what she would do if he stood and took her back there now.

“Rowan, I have a question for you.” She broke into his thoughts. He hadn’t been paying enough attention to have an idea of where this conversation was going.

“Must be a good one, if you’re warning me about it.”

“What did Maeve say? When you told her you wanted to leave?”

Rowan tapped his fingers on the table. “She wasn’t happy. She didn’t want me to leave.”

“What’s she going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He took a drink of water. “I know better than to think that she’ll just let it go. But I can’t do anything about that now.”

Aelin stood, walked around the table, and sat sideways in Rowan’s lap. “Just say the word, and we can go back. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” She kissed his cheek. “But also, fuck her.”

Rowan laughed and placed one arm around Aelin’s waist and the other hand on her thigh. “Aelin, I think I made my choice clear.” He cleared his throat. Why was this so damn hard to say? “I mean that she gave me an ultimatum. It was you or her.”

Aelin placed a finger over his lips, stopping him. What else was there to say? She knew what sort of woman he was working for. He knew what sort of man she used to work for. Or perhaps she still did - he wasn’t quite clear on when and how Arobynn’s claims on Aelin would end, but Rowan suspected it wouldn’t be any time soon. And it wouldn’t necessarily be in her control.

Sinking into her kisses, Rowan allowed himself to forget all of that. When they returned to the real world, he would have some consequences to deal with. But for now, he was going to enjoy learning more about Aelin without the pressure of their success worming its way between them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowan and Aelin deal with the repercussions of having gone away together for spring break. Meanwhile someone from her past shows up.

Rowan woke to Aelin holding his hand. No, not holding it. She was examining it within her own, twining their fingers together, tracing the lines on his palm.

Aelin was tucked into him, fitting perfectly in the curl of his torso and legs. She was a small furnace, but he didn’t mind. Watching her fingertips, he wondered what she searched for. If she could tell from the way they were dry and cracked, the small scars he bore, the strip on his ring finger that was slowly browning to the same shade as the rest of him, what he might think, or feel.

He wanted to close his eyes and pretend to be asleep, leaving her to her exploration, but she squeezed his hand.

“You’re awake.” She ceased the movement of her fingers over his skin.

“Yes.” His breath caused a bit of her hair to fall over her face. Reaching forward, he pulled it back and tucked it behind her ear, leaving a small kiss along with it.

“How long have you been awake?” Aelin twisted her back to look at him, but stayed tucked into him as much as she could.

“Just a minute.”

“Hm. And you were just watching me?”

“Well, yeah.” Rowan nipped at her neck. “And what would you call what you were doing with my hand?”

She returned to her previous position with her back to him, pulled his arm in tight around her, and he mirrored the movement with his other arm.

“I wouldn’t call it anything.”

They lay like that, wrapped tightly and listening to one another breathe. Rowan wanted to count the moments, to know how much time he had with her. But it would only serve to make it ache later.

“Aelin?”

“Yeah?”

“I…” His voice faded, looking at the marks from the pillow on her cheek, the brightness of her eyes so early in the morning. The forest green nightgown she wore was rumpled and twisted around her torso, and he had the distinct pleasure of taking in every single one of her curves.

Rowan’s throat was suddenly very, very dry. “Nothing. It was nothing.” He leaned over and kissed her, holding her face with one hand.  “I have to get back to work.”

Aelin groaned. “Me too, but you know what’s better than work? Going to get breakfast.” She wiggled her eyebrows as if she were suggesting something naughty.

“If it means I’m spared your Indian-style blueberry pancakes, I’ll pay. But then seriously, we need to get back into town and see if anything blew up while we were gone.” Rowan sat up and swung his feet around to the floor.

Aelin sat up and followed behind him, kneeling on the bed and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “What could have blown up? We live relatively normal lives…” She peeked her head around him and smiled, pretending for just a few more moments that nothing else existed outside of them, Rowan thought.

“Between the two of us, all manner of things could have blown up while we were off pretending they didn’t exist. But we should check, deal with it, and then… Maybe we can do more of this back home.” He reached his arm up and pulled Aelin closer, their lips meeting, soft and warm. His other hand moved down, feeling for her bare thigh. The feel of her body pressing against his back, the freedom he had to reach his hand up and stroke between her legs, it was enough to make him forsake every responsibility, every vow he’d ever made. He imagined the way she would arch against him, then slide around to his front and settle into his lap.

Rowan’s kisses became more insistent and Aelin matched him. And yet reality beckoned. 

He pulled away and sighed. “We’re half way through the semester, and then after that we’ll have more time.”

“More time for what?” Aelin asked him. It was a loaded question. Both of them knew it. There was no telling what Maeve had in store for them, what Aelin would go back to. She had her own life, her own problems. He would only complicate them.

“How about some pancakes with normal ingredients? Then we can figure out what we have more time for.”

Aelin nodded.

Rowan stood and stretched. He planted his feet on the ground and twisted his hips, then raised his arms and leaned from side to side.

Aelin fell back on the bed, settling against the pillows, and grinned wickedly at him.

“What’s that look for?”

“I’m just not the only one who spends time at the gym, is all.”

“Well, we did run into each other there.” Rowan felt as if he were the edge of something. The intimacy of sleeping in the same bed all week, curled in one another, mouths hungry and fingers hot, had done nothing to sate his appetite. Or hers, apparently.

Aelin’s stomach growled. “Apparently, I have other needs at the moment.”

Rowan grabbed a pair of Aelin’s jeans and threw them at her. “Let’s get going then.”

*********

Rowan waited until he was back on campus the next day before returning to his normal routine.

His bed had been cold without Aelin. How could he already miss kissing her before falling to sleep? He hadn’t wanted to grow used to someone, not after Lyria left. Solitude suited him better, he had thought. Yet the comfort of having Aelin nearby - not just anyone, he realized - had made him feel more at home than he had in years, despite having been in an unfamiliar town.

Waking up without her on Monday morning, knowing what probably awaited him at work, was about the worst comedown from one of the best weeks of his life.

Rowan took a deep breathe before checking his email. He had the normal ball of dread in the pit of his stomach, the thought of the havoc Maeve might have wrought on his life since he decided to leave making it heavier than usual. Opening the app on his phone, he waited for it to load. Less than 100 emails. It was much better than he imagined. But as he scrolled through them, they were all from listservs, mass emails sent out, the type that never had him in mind, specifically. They were meant for the crowds of students clamoring for funding and research or teaching experience.

Rowan’s eyes narrowed as he searched the list for her name. Continued scrolling.

In fact, he only had one email from Maeve, and it had been sent the evening before.

She had shown restraint, and Rowan would have thought it admirable of her, given the break, if he didn’t know better. Some professors touted a healthy work-life balance, self-care, all that. They were usually professors who already had tenure. Maeve always laughed at them, though she had tenure herself.

No, this was Maeve’s attempt at leaving him guessing. To keep him on the hook, force him to reach out to her. He had made one choice on his own, and she was going to make him jump through infinitely more hoops than she normally did as penance.

The contents of the one message she had sent were succinct. Telling him a place and time to meet. It wasn’t posed as a question, but a command. Typical. And it was in one hour.

When he reached the coffee cart nearest her office at the designated time, Rowan caught Maeve’s eye. She stood at a counter checking her phone, but she looked up at him the moment he walked in the door. Her coffee was already next to her as if she had been waiting for him, her jacket draped over a stool as if he were late. He checked the time. He was early. Quite a bit, in fact.

“Rowan,” she crooned, tilting her head. “You look well-rested.”

Every time he looked at her, Rowan had the impression of a creature made of stone. Not quite soft enough to have human emotions, yet too cunning and cruel to be anything other than an exemplary human being.

“Maeve. How was work over break?” She may have only sent him one email, but he wasn’t fool enough to think she had paused for one minute.

“We can discuss that in a bit. We have plenty of time.” She smiled and turned to pour cream into the paper cup. Just a dash, and no sugar. Rowan had fetched it for her enough times to know.

“What would you like to discuss?” Rowan crossed his arms. He couldn’t help acting defensive around her. Working for Maeve was a landmine of social and professional commitments, and he never knew which she would require of him at any moment.

“Your charge. Aelin.”

“What about her? I sent you her recent test results, correct?”

“Yes, you did. So timely. Just before you went away together. I’m sure she got on her knees and thanked you properly for that generosity.” Maeve didn’t bother hiding the wickedness from her grin.

Rowan’s jaw clenched. “What about Aelin?”

“I think we should reconsider your current situation.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure it’s the best use of your time.”

Rowan took a deep breath, contemplating his next move. He needed to make his case, without seeming too eager.

“I’ve made a lot of progress with Aelin. Her temperament is such that… she doesn’t work well with a lot of people. It’s not that she doesn’t want to learn, she’s incredibly driven, but she has a lot of things in her personal life that she’s dealing with.”

He paused, waited.

“And?”

“And I think that changing the routine now might not be the best idea. I’d like to stay on as her tutor. It’s good for me too, to get a break in my research from time to time.”

Maeve stirred the small amount of cream she had poured into her coffee. Taking the stick from the cup she licked it, making a show of contemplating what Rowan had said.

“No.” If ever a word was loaded, it was this one.

“No, what?” Rowan asked. He hated the way she made him play her games, made him guess.

“No. I think that your time with Aelin is done. I am behind on my research, and so I’ll need your undivided attention for the remaining weeks of the semester. I’m putting her in someone else’s hands.”

Rowan stepped back, then clasped his hands behind his back. “She’s done well, with me. I know that we didn’t get along at first, but I think there’s something there.”

Maeve smiled. “She’s done well according to you, Rowan. But you’re hardly objective, are you? No.” She clicked her tongue, the _tsk_ sound hardly coming off as sympathetic. “Personal problems, you say? Why would you know about that? I’m starting to think you’re interested in more than her academic achievement. It’s clouding your judgement. It’s made you stupid.”

Rowan waited for the hammer to fall.

“No, my decision has been made. It was made the moment you left with her. You can go tell her that she’ll be working with someone else now. And also let her know that any… social engagements you might have together will have to be postponed. Indefinitely.”

“But who else can you get? Who is going to take my place?” Even as the words left his mouth, Rowan knew the answer. Knew that it was the last thing he wanted to hear.

“Lorcan.”

*********

Aelin was at the café she and Rowan usually studied at, at what had become their table. They hadn’t started back up with their tutoring sessions yet, but he had texted, asking to meet her there.

She was still floating on the haze of the past week, the stupid grin that she had grown accustomed to having turned into a full-on smile. She supposed that they were meeting to discuss the rest of the semester, when he might go over to her place, or she might go over to his.

Aelin imagined Rowan’s apartment as rather sparse, but well-organized. She was in the midst of wondering what color his sheets where when he grabbed her shoulders from behind and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

“Rowan, hi.” She grasped his hand as he worked his way around her chair to sit opposite her.

“It’s been a whole 24 hours since we’ve seen one another. How is it going?” Aelin couldn’t keep the slight apprehension from her voice. She knew as well as anyone that Rowan’s life was barely his own. As much as she might want to keep him, there were other forces at work, in his life and hers. She didn’t know Maeve, but doubted the woman was any forgiving than Arobynn might have been in the same situation.

“It’s fine.” Rowan threw his jacket over the back of his chair and then sat, arms resting on his knees.

“Convincing.” Aelin sat back in her seat.

“Look, Aelin, there’s something I need to tell you.” He ran his hand through his hair, a habit he had lost weeks ago, once they had grown comfortable with one another.

Aelin’s face fell. He hadn’t spoken to her like that in weeks. “What did Maeve say?”

Rowan clasped her hands across the table. “It’s not a huge deal. It’s ironic, actually.”

Aelin pursed her lips, waiting.

Rowan leaned back in his seat, releasing her hands. “She doesn’t want us working together anymore. She says that she needs my help to make some deadlines, and so she’s assigning you to someone else.”

Surely there was more that he wasn’t saying, but it didn’t matter, did it? Not when this woman she barely knew had such weight in her life, to take away the one good thing she had found.

A bitter laugh escaped Aelin. After all those months ago, when she had begged Maeve to give her another tutor and Maeve had refused, she had the gall to take Rowan away. But of course. It would hurt more now. It wasn’t just punishment for Rowan. It was meant to send a message to her, as well.

“Who am I going to be working with?”

“Lorcan.”

Aelin raised her eyebrows. “You mean the only other person on this campus who has a tougher reputation than you?”

“Hey, his reputation isn’t - that’s not the point, Aelin. There’s more.”

“What do you mean, more?”

“Maeve has asked me to assist her with a couple more projects, and she has given me a lot of feedback on my dissertation, so I need to work on revisions. She won’t let me defend and graduate until I jump through all of her hoops. There are a lot of demands on my time, and when I applied for this program and to work for her, I wasn’t really thinking about anything else. It pretty much an all-or-nothing deal, and I knew that coming in.”

Rowan rarely spoke so much, rarely tried to give this level of detail. Usually, his looks to her communicated as much as his words.

“Why are you explaining all of this to me?” Aelin felt a hollowness in her stomach, a dread she couldn’t yet account for.

“It means…” Rowan trailed off, looking over Aelin’s shoulder. His face took on a pinched look.

“Aelin!” Dorian’s voice came from behind her.

She turned to look at him. His face was slightly flushed and he was out of breath.

“What are you doing here?” Aelin’s question came out angrier than she intended, but Dorian didn’t seem to notice.

“I just wanted to let you know an old friend is back in town. Remember, the one I tried to tell you about a few weeks back?” He kept a straight face, but it didn’t take Aelin much thinking to recall the name.

She stood, looking back to Rowan. “We need to go.”

Rowan followed suit and began to put on his coat. “Who’s here?”

From behind Dorian, a familiar silhouette joined their party. A man Aelin had once considered one of her best friends, and then a lover. He had helped to put her back together after Sam died, and then had broken her all over again not long after he had helped to pick up her pieces.

“Aelin. It’s been a while.” Chaol was gruff, but not unwelcoming. He had a thin white line down his cheek, a scar from one of the last times they had been in a room together. From after Nehemia had died.

“Chaol. I was just leaving.” She shot a grateful look to Dorian, who in turn refused to meet Chaol’s eyes. “We’ll have to catch up another time.”

The cumulative effect of Aelin’s grief rushed to the surface whenever Chaol was in the same room, which was part of the reason she had left for a year, had disappeared. He had dangled the potential for healing before her, had been instrumental in repairing some of the wounds created by her parents’ and Sam’s deaths. Then he had ripped them open, leaving them to gape and seep and fester.

It hadn’t been intentional, everyone said. Everyone knew it. Yet his carelessness, his benign failure, didn’t mean that Nehemia was any less dead.

“I’ll be in town for a week. Just shoot Dorian a message.” There was a controlled tension to his voice, one that she knew well.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Chaol asked. He nodded his head in Rowan’s direction.

Aelin looked from him to Rowan, all color washed from her face. “Maybe later.” Grabbing her jacket and tugging lightly on Rowan’s sleeve to get him to follow her, she left.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback: we see what happened between Chaol, Aelin, and Nehemia two years ago that led Aelin to taking a break from school.

_**Two years ago** _

The music was so loud that Aelin didn’t hear Nehemia calling out to her. The walls were thumping with the sound and she could feel it in her chest. She was sprawled out on a couch, glaring at anyone who dared invade her personal space, waiting for Chaol to bring her another drink.

It wasn’t until Nehemia flopped on the couch alongside her that Aelin realized that she had made it to the party. She was about to yell at the person who had dared ignore her carefully crafted attitude, but seeing who it was, she leaned over and wrapped Nehemia in a bear hug.

“Oh frick Aelin, are you trying to kill me?” Nehemia laughed and squirmed out of Aelin’s grasp.

“You made it! I’m just really happy you made it.” She pawed at Nehemia’s arm before settling back into the couch. Just then, Chaol made his way back over. Aelin grabbed the plastic cup from his hand and sighed happily. “And now I have my favorite people here.”

“How late am I?” Nehemia asked. “You seem kinda drunk already.”

“Hey! First off you are a bit late. But second, I’m not that drunk. Just happy. Can’t I be happy for once?”

“Of course,” Nehemia answered. “Just checking.”

Aelin stood and pointed at the couch, then settled into Chaol’s lap when he took her spot. Another content sigh. If only she could stay like this, the music nearly too loud for conversation, wrapped up in her boyfriend, her best friend here and happy, she might be ok.

At least here, Aelin could pretend that she was having such a good time that she wasn’t thinking about Sam anymore. Except for when she reminded herself of how long it had been since she’d thought of his death, meaning that all she’d done was think about how she wasn’t thinking about him.

It had barely been a year since he had died. A year since she’d received the phone call from Arobynn, telling her to come home. Going to the morgue to see his body, and then seeing him lying in that casket had nearly broken her. Well, she had thought at the time she was broken. But there was something about the way she had managed to pick herself back up that made her think maybe there were still parts of her that remained intact.

She met Nehemia and Chaol and Dorian not long after, that next year in school, and it was only by the grace of their friendship that she had made it through the following year. When Aelin tried to remind herself of the many ways she had failed Sam, they were always there to say the one word that absolved her - Arobynn.

Aelin knew that it was really his fault that Sam had found himself on the streets, addicted, in debt, hopeless, without connections. He was the one who hid from her just how dire Sam’s situation was, though of course he had “business associates” keeping him in the loop, watching Sam’s slow downward spiral. Aelin just had a hard time not thinking she could have done something, said something, that might have made all the difference.

There was a heavy weight in her chest that reminded her of its presence whenever she thought of the way Sam had been found. Discarded in an alley, found by a homeless man. Assumed to be just another junkie who had crawled into a dark place to die alone. But he shouldn’t have been alone.

That boy with the wide smile who had protected her, and then told her how much he loved her, how precious she was, he deserved better than that. But there was nothing Aelin could do about it now but try to forget.

Aelin stroked Chaol’s arm while he and Nehemia talked. She could feel herself beginning to cut off from the world around her when Nehemia snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“Aelin, you there?”

Aelin took a drink from her cup and blinked. Smiled. “I’m here for you, babe. In fact, I think everyone else at this party should be here for you.”

She pushed up from Chaol’s lap and Nehemia grabbed at her arm. “What are you doing? Aelin? I know that look.”

Aelin batted her hand away. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.”

She jumped up onto the coffee table in front of the couch, trying to get everyone’s attention. When the chatter and yelling and laughing had gone down to about half of what it was before, she yelled over everyone’s heads. “Cheers to my best friend Nehemia! For it is her 21st birthday, and we are all going to make the most of it!” Aelin could barely be heard over the din, but those who were paying attention cheered and took a shot or a drink of whatever they had.

Aelin turned to Nehemia and jumped down, Chaol’s hand coming out to steady her. “Time to get you wasted.”

“Aelin, I don’t really want to get wasted. Just a little drunk, ok?”

“But summer break just started! It’s your birthday! We are half way through college now! If we don’t do this now, before you know it we’ll be 50 and living together being sad about that one party where we didn’t take advantage of our youth and beauty while we had it.”

“By getting drunk? That’s how we celebrate youth and beauty?”

“Well, yeah. I mean when you put it that way, maybe it would be smarter to go home and put on some night cream and get a reasonable amount of sleep.”

“Oh,” Nehemia said, “well if you think we should, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh my god, Neems, I was joking! I’m getting wasted!” Aelin doubled over in laughter, nearly spilling her drink. “Either way, that is why my dear boyfriend Chaol has volunteered as DD tonight. You drink until your heart’s content, alright?” Aelin shoved her cup of beer into Nehemia’s hand. “This is just for starters. We’ll see where the night takes us.”

Aelin waited until Nehemia had finished her first beer before dragging her out onto the makeshift dance floor. Her friend’s hair was loose and flowing, her smile broader than Aelin had seen it in weeks. She moved with a grace that Aelin tried to match, but when Chaol came up from behind her, she gave up.

They yelled the lyrics to the songs they loved, they drank, they danced, and they laughed. Hours passed like that. Hours that were one big, happy blur. Time lost all meaning, and everything that would have been mundane during a normal day - Nehemia bumping into someone, Aelin burping after finishing her beer, Chaol not understanding her jokes - became infinitely more amusing.

Aelin left the crowded area where people had decided to dance and made her way over to the keg for another drink. On her way, someone offered her a shot and she downed it in one go.

Nehemia met her at the keg that had been set up in the kitchen, swaying on her feet. Funny, how it was easier to dance than stand up straight. Funny, how Aelin didn’t remember whose house they were in.

“Aelin, can I ask you something?”

“Oh my friend, you can ask me anything.” They both had a slur to their speech, and Aelin giggled.

“Are you doing ok?”

“What do you mean?” Aelin raised her plastic cup. “I’m great! I’m better than I’ve ever been.” The hyperbole rang false even in her own ears, and the image of Sam lying on a metal slab flashed through her mind.

“I’m just worried about you. You do this a lot. You haven’t talked about Sam in a long time.” Nehemia set down her full cup of beer. “And I don’t know if your grades are ok. You haven’t talked about that in a while.”

Aelin rolled her eyes. “Nehemia, I’m fine. I’m getting my work done.”

“And your parents?” Nehemia asked.

“What about them?”

“Do you really think this is what they would want you to spend your time doing?”

“You mean relaxing? Enjoying myself?”

“Aelin.” Nehemia grabbed the plastic cup from her hand and set it on the counter behind them.

“What?” Aelin gestured so dramatically that she knocked the drink from someone’s hand, then glared at them for being in her way. She saw Chaol leaning in the doorway to the kitchen, watching them, and didn’t care.

“I just want you to be happy, Aelin. Happy, but brave.”

Aelin stepped back as if she had been slapped. “What makes you think I’m not?”

“Aelin.” Nehemia didn’t bother yelling her name over the music, but she still heard it. She stepped closer. “Please don’t ignore what they wanted for you. What you wanted for yourself.”

Aelin sidestepped Nehemia and rolled her eyes. “I think you’d better worry about your own problems and leave me to mine. Stop acting like you’re better than me. I’m sick of it.”

Nehemia’s expression became cold, hard. “Never mind. You could never be brave.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“No, I’m not. I’m sick of this, Aelin. I’m tired of watching you waste yourself. It’s not about tonight, or drinking. You do what you want. But don’t forget why you’re here. Don’t forget who you are.”

 _Who I am_ , Aelin thought bitterly. Who she was was a college student with more death and grief behind her than people twice her age. She was a young woman who had seen more violence, more disappointment, than anyone had a right to. Perhaps no one would forgive her for it, but all she wanted was to take just a moment and forget that any of it was her reality.

Aelin’s hands turned into fists. She reached around Nehemia and took her cup, finishing it off. “I’m done with this conversation.”

Nehemia turned to Chaol. He had been watching, not daring interrupt the two. “You’re our DD tonight, right?”

He saluted her. “One designated driver, at your service. I am happy to report that I have been drinking nothing but water this fine evening.”

“Will you take me home?”

Chaol looked to Aelin. “Want me to take you too? It might be for the best.”

She shook her head. “Nope. I’m going to hoof it. And I’m nowhere near done drinking.” She shot a challenging look to Nehemia.

Nehemia turned and left the kitchen without waiting for Chaol.

He leaned over and kissed Aelin on the cheek. “I’ll come back for you after I take her home. Be safe, ok?”

*********

Aelin gained consciousness on her bathroom floor the next morning. One could hardly say she’d slept since she had passed out, rather than fallen asleep. And that was only after a copious amount of sick was emptied into the toilet.

Well, she thought, at least the hangover wouldn’t be as bad, that way. She’d had the foresight to bring a pillow in with her, though it needed a thorough washing, having spent the night on the floor next to her toilet. But then again, so had she. A shower was definitely in order.

Aelin stood, stretched, made sure she didn’t need to be sick again, and hopped into the shower. By the time she got out, she realized how hungry she was. She decided to make brunch plans with everyone, since they were probably in a similar state. She and Nehemia had some things to talk about, anyway. Aelin felt she should probably apologize, after refusing to leave the party and effectively ditching Nehemia on her birthday.

After looking around for her phone, Aelin finally located it on the floor near her front door. Of course she had forgotten to plug it in and the battery was nearly dead.

Turning the screen on, Aelin was greeted with a few dozen messages, and all from Dorian. Nothing from Chaol, which was weird, and nothing from Nehemia, which was less weird, considering how drunk and angry she’d been. Chaol hadn’t even come to check on her at the party, though she’d assumed that was because she had been a massive bitch. Nehemia was right, even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it. Admitting it meant dealing with more than the fact that she had ignored her responsibilities the past years.

Aelin checked her texts from Dorian. They ranged from “call me” to “Aelin where are you, I need to see you now”. She had no idea what he needed to talk to her about, but she had the feeling that she didn’t want to know. At all.

The final message from Dorian read “I’m coming over. It’s about Chaol and Nehemia.” Aelin sank down onto her couch.

Aelin felt a familiar cold fear seeping in and making a home just underneath her skin. If only it wasn’t familiar, if only it didn’t remind her of receiving a phone call from Arobynn barely a year before. Sam’s expressionless face in a casket flashed across her vision.

A knock came at her front door and when she opened it, Dorian pushed his way in. Aelin held her phone up to him. “What’s this? What’s going on?” They were the first words she’d said that morning, but she sounded as if she’d already been crying.

“Did you check your messages?”

“Yes? But I don’t understand. What’s going on with Chaol and Nehemia?”

“They were in an accident.” Dorian explained everything and nothing with that phrase.

“How? Chaol was sober. He was driving, right?”

“Yes and yes. He was driving, and he didn’t have a drink. We all know that. And I’m sure the police checked too.”

“The police?” Aelin swallowed.

“We need to get to the hospital, Aelin.” Dorian held his hand out to her. When Aelin took it, she didn’t place her hand in his as much as use him to keep her standing. He placed a hand under her elbow and led her out of the apartment, making sure to lock it behind them.

The drive there passed in much the same way the previous evening had. Silence. Time no longer existed, and yet stretched out for eternity. Aelin traced patterns on the window that had no meaning. Her eyes refused to focus on anything.

When they walked into the emergency room, Chaol was seated, waiting for them. He stood. He was battered, bruises in places where they hadn’t been the day before. His right arm was in a cast.

“Where is Nehemia? What happened?” Aelin stood in the middle of the waiting room. If she sat, if she admitted defeat, she might never stand again.

Chaol pulled Aelin into a hug, but she couldn’t quite let herself sink into it.

“What’s going on?” she asked again.

“We were in an accident. The other driver ran a red light, and he hit on Nehemia’s side. They think he was drunk. He died. They rushed Nehemia here and we’re still waiting to see what’s going on. She needed surgery.”

Aelin pushed Chaol away, holding him at arm’s length. “How is she now?”

“We don’t know. We’re waiting. Let’s sit down.”

Dorian and Chaol guided her to a chair, but Aelin couldn’t find it in herself to loosen enough to be seated. When Sam had died, she had lost all will, all power in her body, feeling as if she had no more strength to exist in the world. Now, she fought that urge. The need to collapse. She paced and again time lost all meaning. Nehemia’s parents were dead, her brothers so far away that they would have to fly in, and they wouldn’t have made it by now. She was alone.

No, not alone. She had her friends. She had Aelin.

When the surgeon came and told them that he had done everything he could, Aelin’s vision went white. She wasn’t sure if it was rage or grief, but nothing else existed. Nothing but her own pain, Nehemia’s absence, and Chaol’s fault.

She composed herself long enough for the surgeon to leave, and then turned on him. Pushing her finger into his chest, she asked questions. She asked the questions that she needed answers to, not only for Nehemia’s sake, but for Sam. Why weren’t you there. Why didn’t you help. How could you have let this happen. Why didn’t you see, why weren’t you better.

Aelin may as well have been asking herself the same questions.

She scratched at his face when she lunged for him, her fingernails coming away with pieces of him, but Dorian was there to keep her from doing worse. She heard people calling her name, telling her to stop, but stopping was the problem. Not trying hard enough was the reason that Sam was dead, and now Nehemia.

Chaol said something, some protests, but Aelin heard none of it.

“I never want to see you again,” she spat out, and Dorian pulled her away. Chaol left. Eventually, Aelin’s legs gave out and her sobs took over.

*********

_**Now** _

“Aelin.” Rowan followed her out of the café, trying to keep up with her.

She kept walking, her pace quick despite the slick ice of the streets.

“Aelin, please wait.”

She stopped and turned around, wiping tears from her eyes. “What did you want to tell me?”

“No,” Rowan said, “It’s not important. No matter what Maeve said, I’m going to be here for you. Do you need to talk?”

Aelin sighed and let her head fall forward onto his chest. “I don’t want to explain. I can’t. Not right now.” She reached up to cover her face, and began to cry. When Rowan’s arms wrapped around her, pressing her tighter into him, she welcomed it. Welcomed the idea of, for one moment, not needing to stand on her own.

They stood like that, out of the view of anyone who may have followed them from the cafe. When Aelin’s shoulders stopped shaking, she stepped back. She pawed at Rowan’s tear-stained t-shirt. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I have others.” He tried to laugh. “Do you want to talk? Is this about Nehemia?”

Aelin took another step back. “What do you know about Nehemia?” She grabbed the bracelet at her wrist. Of course he would know the name. But why would he assume that Chaol had anything to do with Nehemia?

“Lysandra told me. Aelin, she told me everything. Or maybe not everything, but she told me about the party, and Chaol, and what happened after.”

Aelin sighed. Lysandra. She had probably thought she was doing the right thing, being helpful. “When did she tell you?”

“A few weeks before spring break.”

“And what did she say, exactly?”

“She said that Chaol was your DD, that it was Nehemia’s birthday, and you fought. Then they were hit by a drunk driver, and Nehemia died. That you haven’t spoken to Chaol since then.”

“You know enough, then.”

“Perhaps.”

Aelin crossed her arms. “What do you mean, perhaps?”

“I mean that I don’t understand why you hate Chaol so much. I’m willing to hear whatever reasons you have, and I’ll take your word for it.” Rowan stepped forward and grasped her arms. “Aelin, I’m on your side. I’ll always be on your side.”  
  
She let herself relax into him once more, and began her story. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowan has an interesting confession for Aelin, and they make a major decision together. Aelin also finds out what it's like to have Lorcan as a tutor.

Aelin rolled over in bed, and ran into a wall.

Not a wall. Rowan. 

After telling him the sordid, heartbreaking details of what happened to Nehemia, what Chaol had done to her, Rowan had offered to escort her home. 

When she had collapsed in tears upon entering her front door, he had taken care of her. Hung her coat, taken off her shoes and placed them in her closet, found her pajamas, turned down the sheets, and then made a space for her against the warmth of his expansive chest. He had wrapped his arms around her and she didn’t think she’d ever have been warm again, had he not been there.

Aelin tried to extricate her limbs from his to get out of bed, but he stirred. Sitting up, Aelin pushed the blankets off her legs, but waited.

Blinking up at her, Rowan smiled. How could he smile at her? Even now? Knowing how broken she was?

“Good morning, beautiful.”

Aelin booped his nose. “Why haven’t I had someone around to call me that every morning?”

“You probably scare them away.”

She glared. 

“You know it’s true. But it’s all a lie.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. You could kick my ass ten ways to Sunday if you wanted to. But you don’t. You know why?” Rowan folded his arms behind his head and leaned back.

“I’m learning so much about myself today. Tell me. Why wouldn’t I ever kick your ass?”

Sitting up, Rowan kissed her. She thought it would be small, to take place of the fact that he wasn’t sure what to say. Instead, he gripped her chin lightly, placing his lips along her jaw and then making his way to her mouth. He kissed one corner, then the other, and Aelin had to force herself to sit still, to keep from leaning her mouth into his. When his lips finally touched hers, she wound her fingers in his hair, arching her back to press into him. 

Rowan pulled away. “You would never kick my ass, because you love me.”

He jumped out of the bed and pulled on a t-shirt. “I’m assuming you haven’t magically learned how to cook in the past week, so I’ll make us some breakfast.” He paused at the door. “Do you have any real food here? Never mind, don’t answer that. I’ll go to the store.” Going back to the bed and leaning over her, he kissed Aelin quickly on the cheek. “I’ll be back soon. Don’t go anywhere.”

When Aelin heard the front door open and shut, she flopped back down on the bed. Love? Who had said anything about love? She tapped her fingers on the mattress in a steady rhythm, contemplating. Was he right? Even if he was, he hadn’t said that he loved her back. And what sort of conversation was that to have, the night after she had explained one of the most traumatic experiences of her life? 

Aelin punched her fist into a pillow by her side, and got up to take a shower. Few things were as clarifying, but by the time she was done, she wasn’t any more sure of what she would say to Rowan when he returned. 

Aelin was walking out of the bathroom, towel-drying her hair, when her front door opened. Rowan came in towing bags of groceries, far more than they would need for one meal. 

“I didn’t know what you were in the mood for,” he explained, “so I bought some of everything. Just let me know what you want.”

“Something quick,” she answered. “It’s just that I have tutoring now. With Lorcan. Right?” A part of her wished that the fact of sharing her story, or part of it, had somehow erased the way that Maeve had stuck her fingers in her life and scrambled things to her liking. 

“Right.” Rowan leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms. “Do you want me to go with you? Give you a proper introduction?”

Aelin sauntered up to him. He looked her up and down, reminding her that she was only wearing a towel. “Are you trying to protect me?” She pressed up against him and adjusted her towel, making sure he was watching.

Rowan pushed off the counter and leaned dangerously close. “Only if you ask for it, Aelin.”

Despite the pounding of her heart, Aelin managed to smile up at him. “Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll ask first.” Turning on her heels, she called out behind herself as if she were ordering breakfast. 

“Oh, and also, I need to know what Maeve told you. You said there was more, besides Lorcan. I’ll be out in just a moment and you can tell me then, ok?”

******  
In the kitchen, Rowan fisted his hands and rested them on the countertop. That woman was going to be the death of him. Wandering out there in a towel that barely covered her ass, smelling the way she did, pressing against him, teasing him. 

It took him a moment to remember what it was he needed to say to her about Maeve, why that woman could possibly matter on a morning when he had woken up next to Aelin. He made a decision to only tell her part of the story, and do his best to make it work out for the both of them.

By the time Aelin wandered back into the kitchen, Rowan had bacon on the stove and eggs scrambled in a bowl with cheese. He handed her a mug of coffee and she sat at the dining table, legs folded beneath her. 

“So, Maeve,” she began.

“Maeve,” he echoed. “She is putting me on some additional projects, you know.” Aelin nodded, then held her mug out. Rowan turned to the fridge and pulled out the creamer, pouring a ridiculous amount into her coffee. “I don’t know if you realize what that entails, Aelin. Remember how I would be in the library at 5am? That was just during the weekdays. I usually managed to find time to myself one weekend day. But now… she might make sure I stay busy then, too.”

“Move in with me,” Aelin said. She looked confused, as if the words had burst out of her before she’d realized what she was thinking. 

“Aelin… think about this. You have room, but do you really want me hanging around all the time?”

“Well, I love you, right?” The question was half joke, half plea for confirmation of what he felt. They both knew it, watched the potential floating in the air between them. 

He didn’t respond.

“I have a spare room,” she continued. “So you can have your own space. I’ve just gotten kinda used to you. I’m tired of being here by myself. And then you could help me study in your spare time.” She grinned. 

There would be no spare time. They both knew it. And the chances of Rowan sleeping in his own room with only a wall between him and Aelin were slim to none, but he didn’t bring it up. “I’ll move in here if you can promise me something.”

“What is it? I need to know before I say yes.”

“Give Lorcan as much hell as you can.”

******

Aelin walked to the library alone. Rowan had elsewhere to be, but they had briefly discussed the logistics. She needed to clean up the piles of books in the spare room and organize them to make room for Rowan’s things, but he didn’t have much. Not nearly as much as she did. 

He seemed to be grateful to leave the apartment he had shared with Lyria, though he didn’t say it out loud. Aelin hadn’t realized until afterwards that that might be another benefit of moving in with her. 

Rowan had never answered her though, not directly. She felt the way he cared in every look, the way he touched her, held her, took care of her without asking, knew all the details of her life merely by observation and little effort. But how did she feel? The idea of going days at a time without seeing him had made her desperate, perhaps. Asking him to move in? She had never had a roommate, let alone a guy. 

A guy that she was very, very into. And yeah, maybe she was in love with him.

Aelin stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, causing a bicyclist to swerve around her and curse. She barely noticed. She almost turned around, grabbed her phone out of her pocket, texted a thousand things that would be silly and confessional and ridiculous. But no. She would wait until he was settled before dropping that bomb.

Unless it wasn’t a bomb? Rowan was the one who had said she was in love with him. And still, there was no guarantee he felt the same way. Perhaps he really did just hope to save on rent, and wouldn’t find his way into her bed anymore. 

Once they were roommates.

The rest of her walk to the library passed in a blur. A blur that became clear, harsh reality when she opened the door to the study room and saw Lorcan waiting for her. 

He had piles of books neatly arranged on the table, a pad of paper, a pen poised above it, and no laptop in sight. So, he was one of those. 

Aelin flopped into the seat across from him. She held her hand out to shake his. “What’s up, teach?”

Lorcan looked at her hand like it was a bug. “You can call me Mr. Salvaterre, while we’re here.”

Aelin snorted laughing. “Seriously? I’ve seen you drunk and lusting after one of my best friends in a bar.” She dropped her hand.

“Maeve sent me here, and I do what she asks. Don’t think for a minute that I’m going to make this easy for you.” 

Aelin leaned back in her chair and clasped her hands behind her head as he spoke.

“You will be on time, and you will be prepared. Hopefully, Rowan hasn’t been inflating your grades just because he has inappropriate feelings for you.”

“You mean because he’s thinking with his little brain, right?”

Lorcan slammed his hands down on the desk, causing Aelin to jump. “I’m not fucking around, Aelin.”

Aelin surrendered, leaning over to grab her laptop. “We’re not going to get very far if you don’t have a sense of humor. But yeah, let’s get started.” She couldn’t help a small giggle escape, though she wondered how much that had to do with self-control, and how much of it was knowing that it would annoy Lorcan.

“So, where were you and Rowan? Shall we start with the signing of the Treaty of Versailles? 1918?”

“Sure,” Aelin answered, “except it was signed in 1919.” She smiled sweetly. “I thought you were in the history program with Rowan? Are you undergrad? Not PhD?”

Lorcan opened his textbook quietly.

This was going to be much, much more fun than Aelin had counted on.

*****  
By the end of the following weekend, Aelin had made space for Rowan in her apartment, and he had moved in the few belongings he had. When she made fun of him for only half-filling his closet with clothes, he pointed out the fact that she owned a full set of very expensive pots and pans, yet had trouble boiling water. 

She hadn’t heard from Chaol, but that was fine. If she waited long enough, he might leave town without seeking her out again.

Sunday evening, boxes unpacked and exhausted, Aelin and Rowan collapsed on her couch. She leaned against him and they scanned through Netflix on her laptop, arguing over what was considered a “good” or “relaxing” show to watch.

When they had finally settled on a choice - Aelin’s choice - she allowed herself to really relax into him. He may have gone through a long day of moving, but she needed some answers.

“Rowan?”

“Yeah?” He kissed the top of her head as she wound her fingers in the fabric of his shirt.

“Thank you for listening. Last weekend. I know that Lysandra told you what happened. But you let me say things I hadn’t said out loud for a long time.”

“It’s different, when you say it out loud. I understand.”

She nodded, careful not to run into his chin. “There’s more.”

“I figured there was.” 

Aelin leaned forward and paused the show, then turned to look at Rowan.

“You said that I love you.”

“Yes, I did.” He reached out to her and stroked her arm, reassuring her.

“I think you were right.”

“I know. I usually am.”

Aelin rolled her eyes. “Really, now?”

Rowan grabbed Aelin’s arm and pulled her towards him. “What are you getting at, Aelin?”

She bit her lip, unable to ask the question. To find the answer she really needed. 

In the end, Rowan lifted her chin to force her to look at him. “Do you want to know how I feel, Aelin? Is that it?”

She nodded, biting her lip. 

“I love you. I think I have for a long time, longer than I even realized. At first I thought that the idea that I might love anyone after Lyria was ridiculous. I didn’t deserve to feel that way about anyone, not after what I did to her.” He brushed the backs of his fingers up and down her arms as he spoke. “But I realized that it’s not a choice. And it’s not about deserving. Not when it comes to you. Because you may not feel like you deserve to be happy. But I love you anyway.”

Aelin turned around and pushed herself up. Moving her legs to either side of Rowan’s hips, she straddled him. Her hair fell around his face in a curtain and he looked up at her. He had seen her pissed off, wasted, devastated, angry, frustrated, and hopeless, and still, there he sat. With her. He was strong and thoughtful and kind, and he had chosen to love her, despite her faults.

Rowan pulled her down to meet his mouth before she had the chance to move. He wound his fingers through her hair, the other hand gripping her thigh, and she found herself wishing she weren’t wearing pants. She found herself wishing she weren’t wearing anything at all.

Pulling herself away, her mouth already swollen, Aelin pulled her t-shirt over her head. Shaking her hair out of her face, she ran her thumb over Rowan’s bottom lip. That mouth. She wanted it all over her, but first she needed another taste. 

As Aelin bit and tugged and licked and took her time, Rowan’s hands wandered to feel the bare skin of her waist, her back. He slid his fingers under the strap of her bra, and she had to keep herself from reaching around and forcing him to undo the clasp. 

Instead, he moved his hands to her chest, tracing patterns above her breasts before letting his fingertips wander just beneath the edge of the bra that he had left on. She groaned into his mouth, in frustration as much as desire, and pulled away from him to remove it herself. 

Aelin’s phone buzzed on the table. She kicked it to the floor to ignore it, but it wouldn’t stop. Exasperated, she pulled herself away from Rowan and checked her texts.

“Something going on?” Rowan asked.

They would have time. Of course they would have time. She could deal with this, and then they would fall into bed together, perhaps seeing it to the end. 

“Yeah.” She shoved her phone back in her pocket. “I have to go talk to Dorian and Chaol.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaol gives Aelin some news about what Arobynn is up to, which she shares with Rowan.

_I’ll go with you._

Rowan’s offer rang in Aelin’s ears as she walked, her black boots crunching on the snow compacted by others’ steps. She had told him no, she would do this alone. They went to bed after Dorian had texted her, the mood killed by the text and demands on her attention.

And as Aelin suspected, Rowan stayed in her bed. Roommates. Sure.

Her headphones were shoved in her ears as she walked, and she watched the ground. People could get out of her way, she figured.

Anger was helpful. If she could remember why she was so damn angry at Chaol, then maybe she wouldn’t have to remember the part of her that took out the ring he had given her every few days. She’d stashed it in her dresser, taking it out when more than a little drunk and sad. And alone. She hadn’t looked at it in a week, and she didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Was it that Rowan was helping her heal, or that she was ashamed to look at that ring with him around?

Aelin honestly had no idea.

No, she definitely didn’t want Rowan to see her like this. Angry, hurt, the gaping wounds in her soul seeping something bitter and rotten.

Chaol and Dorian were waiting for her in the lounge of the student center. Dorian had suggested it, and Aelin knew why; it wasn’t too familiar, too personal, and none of them would be able to yell at each other in public.

Well, that was the theory, anyway.

Chaol stood as soon as he saw Aelin enter. The deep purple seats were arranged around tables, presuming that groups who met there would be studying, or sharing a pizza from the food court. It was entirely too friendly, in Aelin’s opinion.

“Aelin, thanks for coming.” Chaol sat again without trying to shake her hand or hug her. Thank goodness. That might have been more than a little awkward, and he probably would have come away with one less appendage. And that certainly would have ruined the conversation.

Dorian held up a paper coffee cup. “I got this for you.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” Aelin reached for the cup greedily. It would definitely help take the edge off, at least momentarily. And luckily, Dorian knew how she took it.

“So, you’re here,” Aelin said to Chaol, looking straight at him.

“Yeah. How are you doing?”

Aelin’s eyes narrowed. “How do you think?”

“Can we not do this? Can we not play games, Aelin? I think we’ve gone through enough.”

Dorian cleared his throat. Poor Dori, Aelin thought. He should be used to this by now. She didn’t mean to put him in the middle, never wanted to make him the ambassador for their causes. But he and Lysandra were the only people she still trusted from her old set.

“Alright. I’m doing ok. I have a new guy.” Chaol flinched, and Aelin looked away from him, down at her cup. She wasn’t supposed to have hurt herself, revealing that information to him. “And classes are alright. I’m catching up.”

“Good,” Chaol said. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“So, why are you here?”

Dorian pinched the bridge of his nose.

Aelin made a mental reminder to get him a gift card for a yoga studio or something.

“I have some news. From home.”

Aelin smiled, though there was nothing happy about it. Home, he’d said. As if Chaol knew anything about her home, where she had come from. “What is it?” She’d let that word go, for now.

“Look, Aelin, I know you don’t want to hear this from me, but Arobynn is planning something.”

Aelin scoffed. “You have one thing right. I don’t want to hear from you.”

“Too bad,” Chaol retorted. “No one else has been around, seen the things he is doing. Can I just ask you something?”

“Sure.” Aelin sighed, picked at her cuticles.

“Your parents. When they left the company to you, were there any stipulations?”

Aelin’s hands fell in her lap. “What do you mean?” He had no right to ask about her parents, but there had to be a reason for him to bring them up. He wouldn’t have poked at that wound, provoked her rage, without a damn good excuse.

“I have a feeling that Arobynn is going to use it - whatever it is - to claim that you aren’t fit. He has been making moves, and that’s the only logical explanation. To make sure that his stewardship should become permanent ownership.”

Chaol continued talking, but Aelin didn’t hear a word. She should have known Arobynn would do something like this, try to take everything from her while her back was turned. And all the while, he pretended to have her best interests in mind.

She’d always known she couldn’t trust him, but the idea of having a father figure who might love her, care for her, it had made her weak. And he had come along exactly at the right time, finding her in that crowded foster home, malnourished, friendless, wanting someone to tell her it was going to be ok.

Aelin wondered if he’d known who she was when he’d found her. If he’d gone searching her out. Everyone had heard what happened to her parents on that highway. And she’d been left to the wolves afterward. Evalin and Rhoe had never planned on leaving Aelin alone the way that they did. They tried to make provisions, to see that she was cared for, but it hadn’t turned out that way. Instead, she had ended up with Arobynn.

She let out a breath. “Thank you for letting me know.”

Chaol blinked. “That’s it? What are you going to do? Aelin, let me help you.” He stood, sensing that she was going to leave.

Aelin ground her teeth. Still, he knew her in ways that other people didn’t. She threw her jacket back on and made sure the lid was secure on her coffee cup.

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out. Or not. I have tutoring to get to. To make up for when I left school after Nehemia.” She threw a look at Chaol, blame and accusation. Somewhere beneath it she was afraid she might also be showing him a need to forgive, but hopefully it was just a passing whim, something she could squash as easily as she put out the end of a joint she was saving for later.

None of this was Chaol’s fault, she knew. And yet he was such an easy target.

“Aelin,” Dorian said, “let me walk you out.” He turned to Chaol. “I’ll be right back.”

“Sure.”

They both waited to speak until they had left the building.

Dorian spoke first. “You know he’s just trying to help.”

Aelin crossed her arms, kicked at loose gravel on the sidewalk. “I know. He’s always just trying to help though, Dorian. That’s the problem.”

Dorian sighed. “I wish you could trust him. You may need his help sometime. Especially if - when - you go back home.”

Aelin adjusted the collar of her black leather jacket. “I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks though, Dori. For coming today. And for all the rest of it.”

“I thought I told you not to call me that,” he said, but there was a slight grin on his face.

“Dori,” Aelin said, taunting him. “I think it’s cute.” She reached up and tugged on his scarf. “What does Manon call you?”

“Hey!” Dorian backed away from her. “I’m pretty sure I’m about to be insulted in some way, and you have a lesson to get through.” He shooed her away. “Get to it. Accomplish something. Be somebody. Seize the day or some shit.”

“Fine.” Aelin stuck her tongue out at him. “I’ll see you later.”

*********

Aelin slammed her books down on the table in front of Lorcan. “Let’s get started.”

“About time you had a decent work ethic,” Lorcan mumbled.   
  
Aelin thrust her finger in his face. “Don’t fuck with me today, and I won’t fuck with you, ok?”

“Did you talk this way to Rowan? I’m amazed he ended up between your sheets.”

“A place you’ll never be, and don’t think for a minute you’re not missing out on the time of your life.” Aelin was fuming, but wouldn’t take the bait. This prick was standing in between her and her goals, and she wouldn’t let him get to her, not for a minute.

“Fine, let’s get started. And no more snarky comments, alright?”

“If by snarky you mean me showing you up, I can’t guarantee anything. But yeah, let’s get started. Then I can get home to my boyfriend,” she snickered as Lorcan grimaced, “and you can get home to your… no one.” 

Aelin smiled sweetly.

Lorcan bared his teeth.

But they began their work in earnest, their need to prove the other wrong nearly as motivating as any other reason they might have to succeed as tutor and student.

An hour into their lesson, the door to the room opened behind Aelin. She looked up and saw Lorcan sit up straighter, stiffen. Turning her head, she broke into a grin. Rowan. She stood, beginning to throw her notebooks and texts in her bag.

“Well, Lorcan, it’s been real nice. Looks like I’m out of here for the day.”

Rowan leaned against the wall next to the door, arms crossed. “How’s it going in here?” He had directed the question to Lorcan, but they all knew he might not be taken at his word and so the question was for both of them.

“Your girlfriend thinks she knows a lot. Maeve will prove her wrong.” Lorcan grinned long enough for Rowan to push himself away from the wall and approach him.

“Luckily, it’s not up to you.” Rowan grabbed Aelin’s backpack. “Let’s go.”

“So, you’re her pack mule too.” Lorcan shook his head. “I never thought I’d see you come to this, Rowan.”

“Remind me again how it’s going with Elide, Lorcan.” Aelin slid on her jacket. “She’s one of my best friends, you know. We talk all the time.”

Lorcan glared, unable to reply.

“See you later,” Rowan said, following Aelin out the door.

They walked across campus together. Rowan recognized the path to the bar and checked his watch. Well, at least it was after noon.

“I need to talk to you about some stuff,” Aelin said. “About what Chaol came to tell me.”

“Ok. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want, Aelin.” He grasped her hand, and they walked the rest of the way with no sounds other than the swish of car tires through the slushy streets.

The bar was nearly empty when they arrived. It was, after all, early in the afternoon on a weekday. College students may have gone hard, but most of them had enough sense to be in class, especially at this point in the semester. A few ragged graduate students had taken up residence, academic articles spread around them and laptops with dozens of tabs undoubtedly open, but their usual table in the corner was free.

It was odd being there without Aelin’s usual group of friends, but she needed something to calm her nerves. Without asking, Rowan went to the bar and got them a couple of beers. He waited patiently for her to take a few sips before she began talking.

“Chaol told me that Arobynn is trying to take something from me. Something my parents left.”

They had never spoken about her parents. Aelin figured that pretty much anyone with access to social media or a newspaper had heard about them, so what was the point? But now that she and Rowan were becoming closer, she understood exactly why she needed to tell someone more than the sensationalized reports had said about them.

“What is he trying to take?” Rowan seemed in earnest, and Aelin wanted to laugh. She would have, if the threat weren’t real.

“My parents’ company. The charity.” It was one of the largest in the world, had more influence than nearly any other similar organization. And it was up to Aelin to make sure it kept doing good.

“I see.” Rowan sipped from his beer.

“No, you don’t understand. This is my parents’ legacy. It was everything they worked for, cared about. I was supposed to take over. They ran a bunch of charities, all under that one group. Yeah, it started because their families were… well-off. But they wanted to do something with it, more than just accumulating more money that would sit in the bank. And as my guardian, Arobynn has had control. But now there are… rules, reasons why I might not be given control. And he is going to try to exploit them.”

As she said the words Aelin felt a pit growing in her stomach, causing a chill to run through her. All of it, it would all be for nothing, if she couldn’t do what they had raised her to do. 

Rowan nodded, his hand rubbing her back absently. “And so what are the requirements? I mean, how could Arobynn think he could get control away from you?"

“I have to graduate. They didn’t want me to rely on their money to live. And they wanted to make sure I receive an education in more than how to deal with snooty-ass donors. I’d already figured that out by the time I was five years old.” Aelin grinned, remembering her ability to smile and preen and keep everyone guessing as to how much she really understood about what was going on around her.

“And so your year off, did that put everything in jeopardy?”

“Not exactly. I mean, I have to graduate by the time I’m 25. And I’m barely going to make that, because of the year off. And also because I waited to start. I was working for Arobynn, I enjoyed the freedom,” she explained.

And now, Aelin wished more than anything that she hadn’t allowed him to convince her to wait, to stay in the city. 

“There’s more than that, too. Arobynn is… he’s not a good guy. In the really serious, his-enemies-end-up-in-the-East-River type way. I don’t know what he’s been doing with the company, probably money laundering, but I can’t even imagine how he has used it as a front to hide what he does.”

“And what’s that, Aelin?”

“Drugs. Murder-for-hire. Anything you can think of. And he somehow always manages to look smug as fuck, as if he is doing everyone a favor by dealing, eliminating people.”

“Do you think he had more to do with Sam’s death than you know?”

Aelin started and looked back at Rowan. “He could never.” Her voice came out a whisper. “He may be a massive prick, but he never would have intentionally led Sam down that path.”

They both heard the false hope in her voice.

Aelin downed the rest of her beer. “I need another.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Yep. It will all be ok. It will. I just need to work some things out.”

Rowan stood and went to the bar, bringing another drink back with him. “Aelin, I have a question for you.”

“Ok.” She began nursing her second beer.

“What can you do? If Arobynn just needs to make sure that you don’t graduate in time to inherit, isn’t doing your work the best plan of action?”

Aelin snorted. “Plan of action? Sure. I mean that’s the logical thing to do.”

“Aelin,” Rowan said, his tone warning, “what are you thinking?”

“Don’t worry about it.” She turned to him, leaning her back against his chest. “Everything is going to be just fine.”


	18. Chapter 18

It was Dead Week. The week before finals were taken, the quiet before the storm during which everyone said they would study and write their papers and ended up doing neither, leading to all-nighters during Finals Week.   
  
Aelin had barely spent time with Rowan in the interim between Chaol’s visit and the last stretch to the end of the semester. When they were together, she was studying for her classes and he was working on the multiple projects Maeve had put him on. Rowan had offered to help her with her studies, but Aelin had told him one hulking man yelling facts at her was enough for her liking.   
  
Studying with Lorcan was proceeding as usual. They worked to push each other’s boundaries, buttons, and Aelin was gleeful in discovering that she was far more adept at finding and pressing his than he was at finding hers. Perhaps it was his unrequited crush on Elide, or just the fact that his best friend and his advisor had stuck him tutoring duty when he probably would have preferred being alone in the library, surrounded by books and research and handing out failing grades like candy to undergrads.  
  
Luckily, he wouldn’t be the one assessing her final test.   
  
Rowan hadn’t pressed Aelin about what she would do after her meeting with Dorian and Chaol. She had seen him start to speak, to ask her questions, but he kept them to himself. She probably would have spilled everything at the first phrase he formulated to pry into her past, but Aelin was grateful that he didn’t. He was right, after all. The best plan of action probably was to work hard, pass, graduate.   
  
Aelin had plans of her own, which she was sharing with no one until it was necessary. Even Lysandra was in the dark, for the time-being. And it was just as well because if it all went to hell, Aelin didn’t want Arobynn taking it out on anyone but her.  
  
Aelin had spent as much time with Lorcan as possible, having found a renewed sense of determination to do well. She might not have admitted it to his face, but Chaol’s warning those weeks ago about what Arobynn was planning had lit a fire under her ass. She hadn’t been going to the bar as much, had managed to make her weed last the month instead of the week, and had also managed to keep from questioning what the heck was happening with her relationship with Rowan.  
  
They hadn’t said “I love you” again, hadn’t had sex, hadn’t done much except fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day.  
  
No, better to just focus, work, succeed, and then ask questions later. It may not have been the most mindful, proactive plan of action, but it was one that Aelin was familiar with.  
  
Aelin was on her couch, waiting for Rowan to come home that evening, just a few days before Finals Week. Textbooks were spread around, covering the cushions on either side of her, and the coffee table in front of her had her laptop and colored tabs that she used in her complex note-taking system.   
  
In usual Maeve fashion, she had required that Aelin take her final early. It might have thrown her off, made her stumble, had Aelin not already gained new motivation from the news Chaol had told her. She had taken the test the week before and wasn’t expecting the results any time soon - Maeve was busy, after all, lots of demands on her time and everything - but that just meant that she was able to throw herself into studying for her other finals in the meantime.  
  
It was an unusually warm May evening, so she had a window open. Occasionally, she glanced out it, looking for Rowan. It was already growing dark, and he was usually home by now.   
  
More often than not, Aelin’s thoughts slipped to the last time that she and Rowan had spent quality time together on the couch. He’d had his hands on her as if he couldn’t get enough, and she’d wanted to feel him covering every inch. Being interrupted was perhaps for the best, but Aelin still couldn’t help thinking about the sound and heat of his breath against her neck, the way he had lifted his hips up to meet hers.  
  
Going down that road with Rowan would be for good. It would mean she was in deeper than she knew she could be again. After Chaol, the loss she’d suffered, there were lines she was still afraid to cross. Calling Rowan her roommate made everything easier. It was less official that way. Even if Rowan was still spending every night in her bed, cradling her against his broad chest, Aelin could still pretend that it was temporary, and therefore nothing she needed invest herself in.  
  
So when Rowan knocked on the front door and called her name, annoyance was an appropriate reaction. After all, you could yell at roommates for forgetting their keys or making you get up and pause Netflix or stop studying, right?  
  
Aelin unlocked the front door and blew a strand of hair from her eyes. “Rowan, what the fuck? Did you…” She stood aside to let him in, her voice catching in her throat when she saw why he had needed her to open the door.   
  
In one hand, Rowan was holding the neck of a bottle of champagne. In the other, he held up a pink box made of cardboard.   
  
“What’s that?”  
  
“This is for you,” Rowan grinned.   
  
“Why?” They’d barely had time for a civil ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ lately, given how busy they were, let alone been able to enjoy a drink together.   
  
“I have some news.” He set his offerings on the bar separating the kitchen and dining room, and then walked back to Aelin, close enough that she had to tilt her head to look him in the face.  
  
“What’s this news about?” She kept her hands to herself, despite the fact that her breasts were pressing into his chest, and her hips’ insistence on leaning forward into his.   
  
“You.”  
  
Realization dawned on Aelin’s face, and she lost all color. But when she put the pieces together, she began to flush. What she had been waiting for, what type of information about her that Rowan could possibly have access to before her, and the apparently celebratory bottle of alcohol.   
  
“Is it my results?” She held her breath, waiting for the blow that she hoped wouldn’t be a blow.  
  
Rowan nodded, grabbed her hands, and wrapped her arms around his waist. He followed suit, wrapping his own arms low on her hips. “I’m proud to say that you, Ms. Galathynius, have now made up the work that you missed, have passed Early 20th Century European History, and can move on with your life.” The smile left his face momentarily at the implication she might move on from him, too.   
  
Aelin released Rowan’s waist and clamped her hands over her mouth. No more tutoring with Lorcan, no more dealing with Maeve, she could move on and complete her course work and do what she needed to do. No more daily reminders of when she had given up, run away.  
  
“So I bought some things for you.” Rowan released Aelin and turned towards the kitchen.  
  
“What’s in the box?” she asked.  
  
“Go sit down on the couch and I’ll bring it out. It’s a surprise.”  
  
Aelin nodded once and turned. With a start, she realized how quickly she had complied. But it was probably just because of the promise of gifts.  
  
Aelin sat on the couch, crossing her legs underneath her. The full weight of the responsibilities she had left by the wayside after Nehemia’s death was nearly gone. There were only a few more obstacles to completing what her parents had wanted her to do. Although, getting to that task was just the beginning.   
  
She heard the sound of china plates and glass coming from the kitchen. Rowan took two trips coming out, the first with the dark glass bottle and tumblers that were definitely not made for drinking champagne. But it wasn’t as if Aelin owned champagne flutes, having never needed them before. That would be the sort of thing one would find at her parents’ house. The house Arobynn was staying in, now. But it wouldn’t do to think about that.  
  
Rowan set the bottle and glasses on the coffee table where Aelin had moved her laptop and papers to make space.  
  
“Don’t open that yet. Wait until I come back out,” Rowan commanded. He pulled a butter knife from the back pocket of his pants and left it on the table.   
  
Aelin smiled in spite of herself.   
  
When Rowan came back out, it was with a tall chocolate cake. He had crammed the top full of so many candles that he managed to light up the entire living room with it.   
  
Aelin covered her mouth with her hands, keeping in a laugh. “What is that? Is it all chocolate? Are there lots of layers? What kind of frosting is it?” She sat up on her knees, palms pressed together to keep from clapping like a giddy child.  
  
“There are a few layers in there, with a hazelnut ganache in between, and it’s chocolate buttercream frosting.” Rowan set the cake on the coffee table in front of her.  
  
Aelin raised an eyebrow.  
  
“I knew you would ask, so I made sure they told me. I’m no fool, Aelin. I’ve noticed the chocolate candy wrappers you leave all over the apartment. You’re not a very good roommate, you know. I’m constantly cleaning them up.”  
  
“Ok well, we can talk about that later.” Aelin grabbed the butter knife. “Can I cut my own piece?”  
  
“Sure, but you might want to blow the candles out first.”  
  
Aelin looked up at Rowan. “Should I make a wish? It isn’t my birthday.”  
  
“Go for it. There’s no rules, not tonight.”  
  
Aelin looked down to the small flames that illuminated the surface of the frosting. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had surprised her this way, with kindness. She knew exactly how to spend that wish, but kept it to herself.   
  
It took a few puffs of air to extinguish all of the candles. Once she had, Aelin began to pull them out of the cake, sucking on their bottoms to make sure no frosting went unloved. She made a sound of pleasure, her eyes rolling back in her head.   
  
Rowan watched, a small, amused grin on his face. “Good?”  
  
“Yes, delicious. Thank you! Now I’m going to cut you a piece, and then I get the rest.”  
  
“Are you sure you want to share any of it with me?”  
  
“Of course!” Aelin realized that he was teasing her and shoved his shoulder gently. “Just for that, you’re getting a smaller piece than I intended.”  
  
“Aelin, don’t forget the champagne.”  
  
“You open that,” she said, preoccupying herself with the best, most strategic way to cut Rowan a piece of cake while retaining the pieces she wanted for herself. She turned the plate in one direction, then another, checking where the buttercream rosettes were placed. Aelin waited until he had popped the cork before cutting, and placed a slice on his plate while he poured them bubbling glasses of champagne.  
  
Aelin handed Rowan a plate of chocolate cake while he handed her a glass of champagne.   
  
Rowan lifted his glass in the air. “What should we toast to?”  
  
“The semester nearly being over? Summer weather and no more snow on the sidewalks?”  
  
Rowan shook his head. “To you passing your classes. That’s all that matters.”  
  
“Alright. To me. May I continue to be brilliant and clever and exactly the right amount of pain in your ass.”   
  
Rowan laughed, and they both took a drink.   
  
The bubbles fizzed in Aelin’s glass, popping and wetting her nose slightly. She hadn’t had champagne before - it wasn’t the typical thing a college student would drink - and was surprised at how fizzy it was.  
  
They ate their cake in silence for a moment. Aelin hadn’t bothered using the plate that Rowan had brought out. She gave him his slice, and then picked up the rest of it, taking pieces of ganache in one bite, then just cake in another, scrapping off hunks of chocolate buttercream and making a mound of it that she would dip the cake into occasionally.   
  
“Rowan, what are we going to do this summer?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I need to go home. I need to… deal with some things. You can keep this place if you want.” She tapped her fork on the edge of the cardboard platter the cake rested on.  
  
“I’m not sure what I want to do,” Rowan admitted. “We went away together for spring break.”  
  
“Yeah, but that was just for a week. I’m talking about the whole summer now. I don’t know if you’d want…” Aelin gestured uselessly.  
  
“If I’d want what?”  
  
“Me? I have a habit of letting people down, you know.”  
  
Rowan set down his plate and rested a hand on Aelin’s knee. “Aelin, you know I love you, right?”  
  
“I suppose so. I mean we haven’t really talked about it and we’ve both been so busy.” She shrugged. “I don’t expect anything from you. You have your deal and I have mine. It doesn’t have to be a thing.”   
  
Aelin set down her cake, feeling uncomfortably full all of a sudden.  
  
“Well, I do love you. And I know you love me. You don’t need to say it. But I’d like to come with you, I think. I can study anywhere, you know. I have remote access to the databases I need, and I can check out a bunch of things I might need.”  
  
“What about Maeve?” They said her name about as rarely as Arobynn’s, the two of them having the effect of dampening the mood.  
  
“I’ll deal with her.”  
  
“Like you did last time? I had to put up with Lorcan for weeks because of how well you handled her last time.”  
  
“Well, that’s over now, right? You don’t have to deal with her anymore. It’s not like you’re a history major.”  
  
“No. You’re right.” Aelin curled her legs up, wrapped her arms around them, and rested her chin on her knees. Perhaps they could move forward together, and this wasn’t quite the end.   
  
Rowan leaned back on the couch and pulled Aelin’s arm, forcing her to lean back against them.   
  
“What did you wish for, Aelin?”  
  
“You know you’re not supposed to ask. Or I’m not supposed to tell. Something like that.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
She waited a moment, considering before she decided how to answer him. But she wasn’t much for bullshitting. “I wished for you to be happy.”  
  
“What? Why? What not wish something for yourself?”  
  
“Because everything else, I can control. I can take care of myself. I can do what needs to be done. But you? You’re…”  
  
“Not in your control?” Rowan grinned.   
  
Aelin pinched his bicep. “No, that’s not it. It’s that other people, how they’re feeling or what they do, that’s unpredictable. And I can’t do anything about it. So I thought, maybe I should use my wishes for someone else. Because at least with me, I know what to expect. If I let myself down, that’s on me.”  
  
“Aelin.” Rowan’s voice rumbled through her. She loved how it felt, his warmth seeping into her back, the way she allowed herself to feel comforted and safe there.   
  
“I’m tired,” Aelin said. “Let’s go to bed.”  
  
“Alright. I’ll put the cake away and be there in a minute.”  
  
After weeks without alcohol, sharing the bottle of champagne with Rowan was kicking her ass more than Aelin wanted to admit. By the time Rowan made it back to her room, she’d fallen asleep. He took her slippers off and placed them next to the bed, slid in next to her, buried his nose in her neck and took a deep breath, and drifted off to sleep himself.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowan and Aelin prepare for summer break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something of a short transition chapter to get to the next bit of the action. *rubs hands together*

Aelin stood outside of Maeve’s office, listening to her conversation with Rowan and trying to keep from biting her nails. Truth be told, she’d rather have a flask with her, but Rowan had convinced her that she didn’t need to take a drink before dealing with someone live Maeve.

Finals week was over, and they had waited until the last possible moment to take care of this discussion. Unlike Rowan, Aelin wouldn’t wait behind to find out how it had gone. Still, she had agreed that perhaps showing her face when Rowan told Maeve he was leaving for the summer wouldn’t be the best choice.

Instead, she was there, just outside the door, trying to make herself inconspicuous. It wasn’t her instinct to wait on the sidelines, and it made her twitchy. She couldn’t even pace up and down the hall, as she might have made too much noise and missed whatever Maeve had to say.

Aelin knew that Rowan could do what he needed to do. Her real question was if he would do it for her. No matter how many times and ways he had proven how much he cared for her, this was different. This was something that he hadn’t even been able to do for Lyria, and they had been engaged. It would have been foolish for Aelin to pretend that she meant more to him than that.

It was difficult for her accept anyone caring for her, after all she had done. Aelin never would have told Rowan, but she was afraid that his choice now was about more than degree programs and academia and standing up to Maeve. She was afraid that Rowan wouldn’t be able to do it for her. That he wouldn’t choose her when his hand was forced.

Rowan had knocked on the door, been called to come in, and then left it ajar enough so that Aelin could listen.

They had gotten right down to business. Maeve asked Rowan for his progress on the lit review, if he had completed the revisions that the referees had required on her latest publications, and then asked about his progress on his own dissertation. Aelin was about to start yawning, wondering if Rowan would ever get to it, when he began.

“Maeve, I need to inform you of a decision I’ve made.” His voice was slightly louder, and Aelin had to wonder if he’d angled himself so he could be heard better. She smiled and bit her bottom lip.

“Yes?” A shuffling of papers.

“I’m going to be gone for the summer. I’ll be back for autumn semester, and I’m going to work on my revisions in the meantime. I can email them to you. And when I get back, I’ll start preparing my defense.”

“And just where do you plan on going?”

“Orynth.”

The room was silent for a moment, and Aelin strained to hear.

“Aelin, you can come in,” Maeve called out. “I assume you’re out there.”

Aelin slid around the doorway, looking back and forth between them.

“Hello, Maeve.”

She didn’t respond. “So, Rowan, continue. Orynth? What’s there?” Maeve looked to Aelin.

“Aelin and I are going together. She needs my assistance with a personal issue.”

“A personal issue? That’s code for you just don’t want to tell me. But I don’t really care how personal it is, and I doubt it’s serious. Ms. Galathynius can certainly handle herself. We all know how well she’s handled you.” Maeve smiled, which was rarely a sign of mirth. Aelin wanted to jump across the desk and slap her, but technically, grades hadn’t been entered yet. She’d hold off, she decided, until she was fully done with Maeve.

“You don’t need me here, Maeve.” Rowan tried to keep the question out of his voice, to make it a statement. And to overlook the implied insult.

“You’re right.” Maeve looked over to her computer and began typing as if Rowan was no longer worth her full attention. “I have Lorcan. I have Connall. And Gavriel. They are wonderful assistants, and any of them would be happy to fill your shoes.” Her computer made a swish sound as she sent off an email. Smiling, she leaned back in her chair, arms crossed.

“That’s fine.” Rowan stood. “I’ll email you when I get to Orynth, send you an outline of my plans for revision over the next couple of months.”

Maeve shook her head and leaned forward, placing her palms on her desk. “No, Rowan, you don’t understand.” She pushed herself up, leaning her weight forward on her palms. “I don’t need you. At all. If you go now, we are finished. I’ll have to ask you to find another advisor.”

The way she looked at him should have shaken Rowan to his core. He should have been terrified for his academic future, his career. But something in him could care less. Realized that there are more reasons he might be valued, more people he can be of use to.

Rowan looked to Aelin, and she reached over and gripped his arm. Maeve could go to hell, if she thought they would pretend to not matter to one another just because they were in front of her.

He looked back to Maeve. “Then that’s your decision.”

“Excuse me?” Maeve stood up straight, crossing her arms. “You can’t just leave.”

“I don’t want to, really. I’m more than willing to work with you, Maeve. But not under these circumstances. Not when you force me to make these choices.” Rowan looked over to Aelin again and she gave him a subtle nod.

“You’re choosing her, then?” Maeve asked.

“No, you don’t understand Maeve. It’s not about her. It’s about you. And I’m done.” Rowan stood and gathered his bag.

“What are you going to do? Who else will take you on? Who else is good enough?” Maeve had finally begun to frown, and Aelin’s grin grew in proportion to how sour Maeve’s mood was becoming.

“Don’t worry about me, Maeve. There are other programs. And thanks to how much you’ve pushed me, I have far more research experience than anyone else at the same point in their studies. I really ought to be more grateful, but I just can’t be bothered.”

Rowan took Aelin’s hand, and they left.

*****

Two days later, they arrived at Aelin’s hometown. When their train entered the station in Orynth, she nearly had her nose pressed against the glass.

The butterflies in her stomach were battling for dominance over which camp would win: nervous, or excited. Meanwhile, her heart was beating faster than usual, a dull ache where the memory of her parents rested throbbing from the proximity of where she had spent her days with them.

Rowan didn’t say a word, which Aelin was grateful for. She just gripped his hand in hers, pulling him along as she forced her way to the front of the crowd so they could disembark first, then stopping to pause and take in the air.

It was such a change of pace from the small town her college was in, Aelin felt the potential for joy and excitement, though it was tempered by her recognition that Arobynn was that much closer to her.

But he had to be, if she was going to do what needed to be done.

Aelin’s apartment wasn’t on quite the opposite side of town from Arobynn’s, as that might have put her in one of the worse parts of town, but it certainly wasn’t in his neighborhood. Aedion was already there, having set himself up weeks ago. He didn’t have any more idea of what Aelin planned to do while she was there than anyone else, but at least he was one more person she could count on.

Aelin unlocked the door to the apartment and led Rowan in. They could hear voices, and it took mere seconds for Lysandra to accost them at the door, squealing.

“You made it!” Lysandra held Aelin at arm’s length and looked her over. “How are you doing? How was the train? I hope it didn’t stink. We’ve ordered take-out.”

Aelin pulled Lysandra in and sunk into her, just for a moment. It didn’t matter if this was where Aelin had grown up; having her friends around made her feel more at home than anything about her surroundings ever did.

Rowan set his duffle bag down next to the door, hooking his fingers in his belt loops. Aedion stood from the dining room table and they nodded at each other, a silent greeting.

Aelin rolled her eyes and looked at Lysandra. “Guys.”

Lysandra stood between Aelin and Rowan, hooking her arms in each of theirs. “Aelin, if you won’t show him around, I will.”

Aelin raised her free hand, indicating for Lysandra to lead the way. “After you.”

Lysandra showed Rowan the living room, the large kitchen, the study lined with bookshelves, and the two bedrooms. It was more spacious than Rowan expected, but he should have remembered that Aelin’s parents had undoubtedly left her something. There was that, plus whatever work she had done for Arobynn. The college she attended wasn’t cheap, and so the money must have been coming from somewhere.

When they reached Aelin’s room - well, Aelin and Rowan’s room - Lysandra flopped back onto the bed, then pushed herself up on one elbow. “Aelin, I’ve been needing to tell you some stuff.” She looked pointedly at Rowan.

Rowan raised a hand. “I’ll be out there, eating some take-out.”

Aelin grinned at him and waited to talk until he had closed the door behind him.

“I like him,” Lysandra said. “He can take a hint.”

“Well he’s not an idiot, obviously.”

“And you two are… what are you, exactly?”

Aelin sat on the bed next to Lysandra and shrugged. “Roommates?” She crossed her legs on the bed, getting comfortable.

“Ha! I call bullshit.” Lysandra threw a pillow at Aelin. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me he is the one who moved in. When you said you had a new roommate I thought you meant some rando you met on Craigslist. I had no idea…” She grabbed another pillow and smothered her grin in it. “So, have you done it yet?”

“I’d say that’s none of your business, but… no. We haven’t.”

“And now you’re sharing this bedroom?” Lysandra tilted her head.

“Well I definitely don’t want to share with Aedion. Far too smelly. And I can’t really kick him out. I’d rather have him here. Both of them, in fact.”

“Ah yes,” Lysandra said, nodding sagely, “So you have no other choice but to shack up with this super hot guy who you’re totally in love with.”

“I mean… when you put it that way, Lysandra, shut the hell up.” Aelin stuck her tongue out and the two laughed so hard they fell on their sides, rolling around on the bed until Aedion knocked on the wall between the rooms, telling them to quiet down.

“He’s going to be a joy to live with.”

Aelin rolled her eyes. “I know, right?”

“I guess you’ll have to keep the sex noises to a minimum.”

“Alright, stop! Why aren’t we talking about you right now? And Aedion?” Aelin raised an eyebrow so high it looked like she’d been practicing in a mirror.

“Things are going ok there,” Lysandra said slyly. “I like him, I do.”

“But?”

“There’s a lot he doesn’t know. Rowan knows just about everything about you. He’s seen you sloppy drunk and sad and pissed off, and he still bought you that damn chocolate cake and said he loves you.” Aelin nodded her head in agreement. “I haven’t shared a lot of stuff with Aedion, though.”

“Arobynn?” Aelin asked.

“Arobynn,” Lysandra confirmed.

“You could stay here, you know. It might be tight, but we can work it out.” Aelin reached out and grabbed Lysandra’s hand. “You know I won’t let him use you like he used to. He won’t be able to use any of us, soon.”

Lysandra shook her head, bit her bottom lip. “No, he wants me to stay with him. I think you’ll be lucky if he lets you stay away for very long.”

“He can try to get me to fall in line again. And he will fail. Lys, can I ask you to do something for me?”

Lysandra nodded, and they lowered their heads and voices, mapping out the next few weeks in Orynth.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowan and Aelin settle into Orynth, later meeting up with Chaol, Lysandra, and Nesryn.

Aelin never thought she’d end up back in Orynth so soon. Any idea that she’d spend the summer here was only accompanied by the certainty that she had failed, that she would never be able to take over her parents’ company because she couldn’t accomplish the most basic of tasks that thousands of other college students did every year.

Take the tests. Write the papers. Pass the class. Graduate.

It seemed simple, until she realized that life was a decided bitch who would never just let her get on with it.

There was a lot about life she realized she didn’t understand, and she was plagued by a fear that only experience would teach her. If only she could take a class in How to Deal with Manipulative Pricks Who Call Themselves Your Guardian. Aelin snorted. Maybe she could get Rowan to teach it.

But no, that was not quite how life worked, as it was frequently refusing to accept the same limits and boundaries that the classroom observed.

And of course it never would have been as simple as graduating, not if Arobynn had his say about it. Aelin wondered if he had been planning this for much longer than she realized. Perhaps he had seized the chance the moment her parents died. The thought made her stomach turn, though he was the definition of an opportunist.

But now, she needed to make sure that her parents’ legacy was protected, that she didn’t let it become - or continue to be - a front for whatever Arobynn had gotten himself into. It would be the perfect place to launder money, and Arobynn had his hand in enough shady enterprises to ensure that he could keep a high-rise, a security team, and surveillance on her and whoever else he decided he had an interest in. 

The idea of a college student, even one as gifted as her, taking on someone like Arobynn might have been laughable. Then again, he had been the one to train her, make her one of the lease inconspicuous members of said security team. My adopted daughter, he’d said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as if he had some sentimental desire to keep her in the room with criminals and scoundrels that had nothing to do with the fact that she could incapacitate all of them before they realized her true purpose.

Despite all the obstacles, something about Rowan made Aelin think she could do it. That she might just have a chance.

She was sitting on the veranda of her apartment, high above the street, drinking coffee and watching it steam in the cool morning air when Rowan approached her. He slid open the glass door, slid it back shut on its track, then set down his own cup of coffee and sat in the reclining seat next to her. 

Time passed in silence, each of them drinking their coffee. Aelin twisted her bracelet around her wrist, looking at the view, the sun gently spilling over the mountains the Orynth was nestled against. High above there was still snow; this time of year it would be cold there, still hanging on to winter. Aelin only stayed warm enough now because of the sun that peaked around another tall glass building.

Rowan held his warm cup in his hands, glancing over to Aelin on occasion but never prying.

A hawk swooped silently overhead, and Aelin wondered where it had managed to make its nest in the glittering city. It was a wild thing, and she hated to think of it being domesticated or tamed in some way. Perhaps it had just managed to carve a place for itself, refusing to accept encroachment or boundaries.

Aelin laughed softly. As if she hadn’t just been wishing for some sort of boundaries herself. At least that way, her life might have some order.

But perhaps she was more like the hawk than she wanted to admit.

Finally, Aelin looked over at Rowan. “Good morning.”

He tipped his cup at her. “Morning.”

Rowan’s hand drifted over the arm of his chair, reaching out to Aelin. She was reminded of his warmth when he grasped her arm, holding tight and anchoring her to that place and time. The bed was probably still warm, and she could crawl inside, ask Rowan to follow her, lose herself in him finally… But at least they had this moment. This peace.

Rowan fingered the bracelet that was still warm from Aelin’s attention. “What’s this?”

“What do you mean?” Aelin tilted her head. “You know who everyone there is.”

“Yes, but not Fireheart. Who is that?”

Aelin grinned, though her eyes showed something more like pain. “Me. It’s what my parents used to call me.” She pulled her arm away, turning the thin metal plate so that it showed the names. “My parents’ names are on either side. Did you notice that?”

“Yes.”

“And you won’t ask why?”

“I get it,” Rowan said. He cleared his throat. “I wanted that, a long time ago. A family. I thought I would have it.” Lyria. Her miscarriage. Aelin could practically hear the door clicking shut as she left him.

They may have lost their families in very different ways, but Aelin, too, had memories of shared laughter and comforting smiles, someone always on the other end of the phone or just inside the front door who would be there to support her. It had been a long time since she’d experienced that, but now, living here with Aedion and Rowan, it was something like piecing her family back together.

“Do you still want it? A family like that?” Aelin tried to ask the question casually, but there was nothing casual in him leaving his PhD program, moving across the country to be with her, sleeping in her bed. She felt that they were constantly testing how close they could get without actually saying the words, making the promises.

“Why, you interested?” Rowan had wiped the pain from his own face, presenting her with a challenge.

“You wish. I’m weighing my prospects.”

Rowan burst out laughing. “Your prospects? Who? Lorcan?” His face darkened. “He didn’t say anything to you, did he, because if he did…”

It was Aelin’s turn to burst out laughing, so hard that she had to sit up straight in her seat, pitching forward. “No! Rowan, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You have _met_ Lorcan, right?”

“Well yeah. I just know you like a challenge, Fireheart.” Rowan reached over to her again, grasping her jaw in his hand and pulling her gently towards him.

“Same, mister. And keep saying that.”

“Saying what?”

“Calling me Fireheart.”

They kissed, soft, just enjoying the intimacy of being so close to one another that they could have everything, take it all, if they chose. Aelin knew those lips, that tongue, the startling contrast of black tattoos along Rowan’s jaw and up to his temple. Yet she wanted to continue exploring, as if she had never kissed him before.

When they finally pulled apart, Rowan tugged on the armrest of her chair. “Come closer.”

Aelin stood and motioned for Rowan to make room for her. There was hardly enough in his seat so she settled for his lap, sitting with her back against his chest but positioned so she could still look at him.

It felt right, like she was made to sit there. The coolness of the morning didn’t matter when she could wrap herself in his warmth.

“I left my coffee on the table,” Aelin complained.

Rowan tightened his grip on her. “I guess I’ll just have to keep you awake.” He rested one hand on her bare thigh, tracing small circles. “Aelin, you realize that I’m here to help, right? That Aedion, from the looks of it, would do anything for you? Even if that means having to deal with Arobynn again.”

Aelin laughed so softly that Rowan only knew she had done it from the way her shoulders pitched up and down. “Aedion used to say we would get married.” She looked over to him. “We were children. We’ve always been close.”

“So those are your other prospects? I thought marrying cousins was no longer fashionable. I guess I really am older than you.”

“No, idiot. There are no other prospects. Not when I love you so much. Right?” Aelin let her head fall back on his shoulder, not waiting for an answer.

“Don’t avoid what I said though, Aelin. I’m here for you, and so is Aedion, and I’m sure Lysandra. I’ll do what you need.”

Aelin didn’t point out that Rowan had never answered her question about wanting family and was probably avoiding that as much as she avoided the Arobynn question, but she let it drop.

The idea of Arobynn and Rowan in the same room again made Aelin cringe. She’d taken the wrong tactic before, obviously. Pushing Rowan away with no explanation of why she’d been a colossal asshole wasn’t the most transparent way to conduct a relationship. But they hadn’t been a “them” before. And now that it would be clear to anyone with eyes how much they cared about one another, it surely wouldn’t please Arobynn.

Rowan may have become one more of her weaknesses for Arobynn to exploit. If she let him. If she didn’t do what she could to protect Rowan.

She sighed. “I know you’re here to help. I know that Arobynn has probably already noticed that I’m in town, that I’m not alone. And that he will do whatever it takes to make me go back to him.”

Rowan waited for her to continue. It’s not as if she was ever that open about her history here, other than telling him about what she had lost. The other parts, the in-betweens, that was another story.

“So that’s what I need to do. I’m going back to Arobynn.”

*****

Aedion, Chaol, and Lysandra had all converged on Orynth at one point or another and made plans to meet at a public park the afternoon after Aelin had told Rowan the basics of her plan. Of course he didn’t know the entire story. That she might try to investigate Sam’s death was not necessary information, she figured.

They could hardly be accused of conspiring if they met openly, in a public space in the full light of day where anyone could hear their discussion.

Aelin and Rowan had found a metal table and chairs in the park and were huddled together, waiting for the others to arrive, while going over what she had told him.

Chaol strode up to them, arms crossed. There was a women at his side, someone Aelin didn’t know, and she was immediately wary. She had assumed everyone knew that bringing anyone else into the discussion was not a good idea, but something in the way the dark-complected women held herself told Aelin that she wasn’t one to shrink away from a conflict like this.

Rowan stood and crossed his arms in turn, and Aelin rolled her eyes.

“Hey, how about we not have a testosterone contest today? I’ll kick both your asses, if I need to.” She glanced at Aedion before standing to greet Chaol and the woman. “And yours, too.”

Aedion just rolled his eyes and brushed Aelin off.

Rowan leaned over and pecked Aelin on the cheek. “Sure thing, Fireheart.”

Chaol frowned. Of course he knew about her parents’ nickname for her. If Rowan hadn’t already gotten in the habit of using it, she might have thought he’d used it to rankle Chaol. Then again, Rowan rarely cared enough to bother making enemies.

Aelin checked her phone and saw that Lysandra was only a minute away, and she sighed in relief. Lys had a way of smoothing everyone’s rough edges. Though, she supposed, that’s what Arobynn had groomed her for, making it somewhat perverse for them to rely on that same skill set.

“Aelin, Rowan, this is Nesryn. We work together at the police station.”

Aelin extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“And you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Aelin glanced at Chaol. “I’m sure it was half lies and half praise.”

Nesryn shrugged. “Don’t worry, I’ll judge for myself.”

Aelin liked her immediately.

“And this is Aedion,” Aelin added. More greetings were exchanged, hands shaken, and Aelin waited for the pleasantries and small talk to end.

Finally, Lysandra came running into the park, puffing and unbuttoning her jacket. “Sorry I’m late! You know how it is.”

“You like sleep more than you like being on time?” Aelin asked.

“Something like that.” Lysandra took off her jacket and tied it around her waist. “So, what did you tell them?”

“Nothing, yet. We were just making introductions.”

“Hey, Chaol.” Lysandra waved and sidled to Aedion’s side where he put an arm around her shoulders. She turned to Nesryn. “I’m not sure I know you.” They exchanged names and handshakes before Lys turned to Rowan. “And hello, Rowan,” Lysandra finished, grinning.

Aelin made a mental note to text Lys later and ask her not to say Rowan’s name like she knew some dirty secrets about him.

“So, Aelin, what can we do?”

Now, surrounded by people Aelin felt like she was beginning to trust as individuals, she was faced with the reality of what she had created. A group of people who she may not have always gotten along with, but who might have her back. Something like what Sam had once been to her, and look how that turned out.

“First off, I need to go see what Arobynn wants. I need to know what he’s planning, and he won’t do that if he thinks I have any plans beyond working for him. If he thinks that I want to take over in my own right, he’ll never trust me.”

“So how do you do that?” Lys asked. “How do you make him think you’re just here… Oh. I see.”

“What does she know?” Chaol asked. They had been apart for too long for him to predict what Aelin might plan, though at one time he would have known before she did.

“I just need to be the old me. The old Aelin.”

“And just what did the old Aelin do?” Nesryn asked.

“Are you sure you two should be here?” Aelin directed the question at Chaol. His loyalties were always suspect, given his job.

“Don’t worry. I’ve seen too many cops bought off by Arobynn to want him to stick around. You may have to take part in some activities that are… slightly illegal,” he said, glancing at Nesryn, “but it will be worth it. Can you promise it will be worth it?”

“Yes,” Aelin answered. “I promise.”

Rowan nudged Aelin with his shoulder. “So, this old Aelin. Want to give us a clue?”

Aelin and Lysandra exchanged a look. “Well, first off,” Aelin said, “Old Aelin and Lysandra weren’t exactly best friends. And Rowan, you remember how we met? The parties, the drinking, the drugs?”

Rowan nodded.

“That’s just the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I had no idea how long this fic would be, and here at chapter 20 I'm pretty much starting a second plot line, which... tbh was probably what it was all leading to anyway. I don't know for sure how/when it will end, but thank you to everyone who has commented and kept up with it!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowan gets a glimpse of what Aelin is like what Arobynn is in control. Afterwards, they spend some quality time alone.

“Lin!”

Rowan didn’t pay attention to the guy calling the name at first; he didn’t know anyone called Lin, and the dudebro yelling it across the room certainly wasn’t looking for him. In a place like this, a club where the lighting and music was designed to sell drinks and hide shady activity, there was too much to get distracted by to pay attention to a guy like that.

The club lacked the warmth of their usual campus haunt. It may have had its share of unidentifiable stains on the seats and the stall doors in the bathroom didn’t really lock, meaning you had to shit with one hand on the door to keep it shut, but at least that place… well that place, it was home. Or something like it. A home where Rowan and Aelin had drunk, danced, he met her friends, and she had first decided to try to protect him from Arobynn. Even though her attempt at protection looked a whole lot like her being an asshole at the time.

Rowan chuckled at the memory.

The man who insisted on yelling “Lin!” across the bar was wearing a pale blue polo shirt and dress pants, his Italian leather shoes so new that they still needed to be broken in. There was something so intentionally put-together about him that Rowan doubted he could feel human emotions. No, this man looking for Lin was created in some sort of factory where entitlement came standard. Hardly worth his time or attention. Besides, Rowan was too busy keeping an eye on Aelin.

She was seated at a table with two men she had told him about. Wesley and Nox. One man she could trust, she’d said, and the other she wasn’t sure about. They were eyeing one another rather warily, and Rowan wondered which one he should be more concerned about. Aelin could protect herself physically, he was sure. Their time in the gym when she had shown him some kickboxing moves told him that much. But emotional damage was much more difficult to see, to control, and to heal.

Wesley was the face of Arobynn’s personal security, though the muscles made Rowan snort at Aelin’s description of him as such. A face. But then again, the dirty work was really done by Aelin and this other man, Nox. This other man, the thin one who wasn’t very conspicuous in canvasing the room, had taken Sam’s place after he died. When Aelin reported the news to Rowan the night before, after spending far too long in Arobynn’s apartments getting “reacquainted”, she’d had fury written all over her face. Not at Nox, but Arobynn. At Sam’s death.

Aelin wore a black leather jacket, which was nothing new. But her hair had an unkempt look about it, though it was tied back in a ponytail. Her eyes were lined in thick black, her lips a deep ruby snarl. If he didn’t know her, he wouldn’t have bothered approaching her. So Rowan supposed that anyone desperate enough to go up to that table, with the glare that Aelin sported, Wesley’s muscles, and Nox’s slippery look, well, that person was willing to do just about anything to buy what Aelin was selling.

It wasn’t until Aelin sat up a bit straighter in her chair and looked at the guy - Chad, Rowan named him - that he realized that “Lin” was in fact “Aelin”, and he remembered that she’d told him this would happen. He just hadn’t really wanted to believe it.

Idiot Chad strolled up to Aelin’s table, and Rowan took another drink from his beer. His seat at the bar was close enough for him to see what was going on at Aelin’s table, but not close enough to hear, not with the music. He’d suggested microphones, but Aelin asked him if he thought they were in some cop drama. She would tell him what he needed to know, later.

Aelin refused to make room for Chad, or to indicate where he should go, and Nox and Wesley had a disinterested air about them. Chad was talking animatedly, and Rowan couldn’t help but notice his eyes look Aelin up and down, appreciating every inch. Let him look. He would undoubtedly bite off more than he could chew, if he even dared.

But the fact that Chad was at her table already, well that spoke of either need, or balls for days. Not many people would bother trying to pull one over on the head of Arobynn’s security, and Chad looked a bit twitchy, a bit like he was enjoying the thrill of this situation before he went back home to his mom’s penthouse. So Rowan was betting on need as Chad drew his wallet out of his back pocket. A thick stack of cash was hurriedly counted through and passed to Wesley as Aelin reached into the pocket of her leather coat.

Rowan would have thought she’d need somewhere more covered, or that they would have drawn more attention, but when she drew the plastic baggie full of pills out, no one noticed a thing. Chaol had told them this would be the place to go. That, coupled with Arobynn’s information, had led her to that club, at that table, but he still would have preferred her drug-dealing come with a bit more stealth. Then again, he’d really not have wanted this to happen in a back alley where he couldn’t keep an eye on things. So he was left between watching Aelin work in a loud, crowded club, or an isolated corridor with only rats for witnesses, and nowhere for him to keep an eye on her.

Clearly, this old life of Aelin’s was not the type where the choices were ever easy.

Chad took what she offered hurriedly, clasping a small tin shut. Before he walked away, he held his hand out to Aelin. She chose a small, heart-shaped pill from the lot. Rowan stood, leaving his beer behind him on the table. Plan be damned, if he was going to let her take the kind of shit that Arobynn sold.

“Lin,” Rowan said as he approached the table. The word felt odd coming from his mouth, like he was part of some play he hadn’t signed up for.

Aelin looked up at him lazily. “Can I help you?” She glanced over to Chad. “You may go.”

Chad was unsure of himself, looking to Nox and Wesley for backup, but they had already lost interest.

“I said go, asswipe.” Aelin leaned back in her chair and kicked her boots up on the table, knocking over an empty beer glass.

Chad puffed up his chest, looked Rowan up and down, and for a moment looked as if he might challenge Rowan for Most Glowery Stare. No one had Rowan beat at that, though. “See you later, Lin.” He finally scampered off.

“Lin, you going to take that?” Rowan looked at her pointedly, and behind Aelin’s lazy expression, he saw that she understood his meaning.

“Yep. What business is it of yours? You want some?”

“Maybe later. Can we talk?”

“No.”

Beside her, Nox snorted a laugh. Rowan bit the inside of his cheek. “What’s in that stuff?” He nodded to the pill that was pale pink in her palm.

Aelin shrugged. “Something fun.”

“Are you sure you should?”

Rowan’s question was cut short when she placed the tablet on her bottom lip, a stark pink heart against the red of her lipstick. Her lower lip curled in and the pill disappeared. Aelin closed her eyes, pausing a moment before answering. “Of course I should. Now fuck off so I can make some sales.”

Wesley and Nox exchanged a glance, snickered at one another. Nox looked up at Rowan, settling deeper into his chair. “Look, mate, you don’t want to get in the way of our girl’s fun. She’s had a rough go of it and she’ll get rather cranky. You understand? You’re new here. We’re just trying to do you a favor.”

“That shit’s not a favor,” Rowan growled.

Aelin held her head in her hands for a moment, and Rowan would have checked on her if she hadn’t looked up a moment later. Her eyes had taken on a glazed quality, though she kept her face down and he couldn’t check her pupils. Rowan could have sworn that she’d begun talking to herself, her hands making small, strange gestures that had no bearing on the conversation around her.

Rowan waved a hand. “I’ll see all of you later. Aelin, don’t forget what I told you earlier. You can’t act like this and do what you need to do.”

“I’m not in school, you can’t tell me what to do.” Aelin stood, grinning broadly. “I’m going to dance.” She tottered off towards the press of bodies, joining the ranks of those who came to have a good time, forget their problems, or both. It only took a moment for her slight frame to be swallowed by the others.

“Hey, Rowan.” Wesley patted Aelin’s empty seat. “We know the two of you have grown close lately. Arobynn told us all about it. Why don’t you join us? We can explain some things to you.”

“No, thanks. I’ve seen enough.”

Rowan stalked towards the bar, closed his tab with the bartender, and pushed the exit doors open. The sudden fresh air was a relief after the closed-in feeling of hormones and desperation. It was nice, to be able to shake off the image of Aelin in there, sitting with Arobynn’s thugs, undoubtedly being pawed at by another Chad, high out of her mind. Maybe it was all too much; maybe she was too young, still not wise enough to understand how much that world could truly hurt her. Damned if he would stand by and watch her self-destruct, and not for the first time by the looks of it.

Wrapped up in those thoughts, Rowan didn’t hear Aelin’s boot heels on the sidewalk until she was already beside him. She leaned her head onto his shoulder. “Rowan, aren’t you going to wait for me?”

Rowan turned and Aelin was forced to steady herself.

“Aren’t you still fucked up? You should go back inside, be with those people.”

Aelin reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out the small, heart-shaped tablet she had been offered before.

“I thought you took it.” Rowan was perhaps more disappointed in himself for believing she would so easily go back down that path than for believing Aelin capable of being such a total asshole.

“Nope. Been there, done that. We did good tonight.”

“You told me what to expect. I guess I just didn’t really think…”

“Think what?”

“That’d you’d be so at home there,” Rowan answered. “That doing Arobynn’s dirty work would come so naturally to you.”

Aelin took a step back. “I told you what it was like. I grew up like that. Yeah, it was scary at first, but I got used to it. Don’t tell me you’ve never been in a situation like that.” She reached up to pinch his cheek, and he let her. “Rowan, babe, come on. You’re not exactly innocent in the ways of the world.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never been the one running the show.”

“It’s better to run the show than be directed by people who might not have your best interests at heart.”

“And Arobynn? I don’t think he’d have your best interests at heart.”

“True,” Aelin admitted. “But he was the only one telling me what to do. He was the only one with the guts to try. And I was a kid, anyway, when I met him.”

“How did you end up with him? Didn’t you have other relatives who could have taken you in?”

“That’s a story for another time.” Aelin put her arm through Rowan’s and they began walking again, heading home.

“Ok then, tell me something else. Lin? Where did that come from?”

“It’s what my dad called my mom, and it works with my name too, you know, as a nickname. Everyone knows Aelin Galathynius. For all intents and purposes, Lin Ashryver is a completely different person. It served Arobynn and me for no one to know whose daughter I was. At least not publicly. All the ducks were in a row legally, though.”

“What about Aedion? Wouldn’t they connect you?”

Aelin brushed away the concern. “Plenty of people share last names and aren’t family. Hell, you can share genes with someone and they’d sell you down the river for a hit.”

The cold wasn’t seeping underneath Rowan’s skin like it normally would that time of night. He reminded himself that it was nearly summer, that Aelin was pressed against his side.

Rowan reached up to her shoulder, cupping it warmly and stopping their progress towards home. “You can stop that now.” He didn’t need to explain what ‘that’ was; the old bravado, the cynicism, Rowan had seen Aelin smiling enough to know that it was as much in the past as Lin.

“I know. Sorry. Old habits.” She reached up and covered his hand with her own. “You know, we probably shouldn’t be seen being too friendly.”

“I’ll risk it.” Rowan leaned down and brushed Aelin’s lips with his own, feeling her press into him just slightly. Just enough so that his mind went immediately to their bed in her apartment, to less than an hour from then, when she would be cradled into his body.

Aelin sighed against his mouth. “I got what I needed, I think. For now.”

“From that guy? Who was he?”

She shrugged. “Trust fund kid. They aren’t hard to spot. It’s just so difficult for them,” she continued, her voice laced with bitterness, “being so young and healthy and having parents alive who dote on them, and those bank accounts so bogged down with money.” A glint came into her eyes.

“So why him? Surely there are tons of other Chads in this part of the neighborhood.”

Aelin frowned. “How did you know his name?”

Rowan laughed so hard he had to rest his forehead on Aelin’s shoulder. It was a full, belly-aching laugh, one he hated to stifle. But she was right. It wouldn’t do for them to be caught together, being so friendly. Arobynn couldn’t wonder how much her loyalties had changed.

“It was a guess. Never mind. So what did the guy provide you with?” Rowan stood up a bit straighter, trying to sober.

“Access.”

“To what?”

Aelin pursed her lips, but beneath was a grin. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Aelin, you know I’m patient only if I know there’s a reason why I need to be, right?”

“Sure.”

Rowan waited. “And?”

“I can’t tell you, not right now.”

Rowan sighed. “Will it put you in danger?”

Aelin giggled, though it sounded like something Lin might do before striking. “Nope. No more than anything else this town can throw my way.” Before he could cut in, Aelin linked her arm in his, leading him away. “Come on. I need to introduce you to Arobynn tomorrow, which means we need a good night’s sleep.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. He’ll know you’re here, he’ll remember you, and if it looks like I’m hiding something then it will be worse.”

Rowan adjusted the collar of his jacket. “Off to see Mr. Hamel, then.”

They strode back to her apartment in near-silence. The bars weren’t yet closed, meaning the rush of drunken people leaving and trying to find an Uber or Lyft weren’t yet in their way. The quiet before the storm, and the point when Aelin would have difficulty plying her wares, anyway.

The apartment was dark when Aelin unlocked the door. Aedion was gone, meeting Lysandra and more likely trying to stay with her while not being caught by Arobynn or his spies.

Aelin spun on her heels. “Coffee, or bed?”

“Bed. Sleep.”

“Sleep?” Aelin tilted her head. “You sure?”

“Fireheart,” Rowan said, tucking her in close. “You know what I want. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

Aelin pulled away. “I’m getting dressed for bed, then.”

Rowan’s head was spinning as he pulled his cotton pants from his dresser drawer and changed. He could hear Aelin in the bathroom washing her face and getting ready to sleep. Sleep. As if that’s all he really wanted to do, as if it weren’t taking everything in him to keep from walking in there, picking her up, and throwing her on the bed.

He was settled underneath the covers when Aelin opened the door and flicked the bathroom light off. Her face was the first thing he noticed. Washed of the dark make-up, she looked like the Aelin he knew. Perhaps she had a smirk on her lips, but there was no mask.

The next thing he noticed was her nightgown.

Rowan pushed himself up on his elbows. “What is that?”

Aelin looked down. “This? Everything else I had was dirty.” Laundry day was supposed to be when women wore their old underwear and sweats, Rowan heard, but apparently Aelin was going to defy that expectation, too. Her silk nightgown barely covered parts that needed covering. The moment she moved, it was a waiting game to see what might be revealed. Inadvertently, of course, Rowan thought.

She padded to her side of the bed, turned away from him, and tilted her head to one side to brush her hair. Doing so made the very risqué hem of her nightgown ride up so high that Rowan wasn’t so much looking at her upper thigh as he was getting a look at her ass.

In his head, Rowan was seated behind her, one palm on each leg, pressing up higher and higher until he could reach up to the hem of her panties and pull them down in a swift motion.

Another movement from Aelin lifted her nightgown enough to reveal that she was not, in fact, wearing panties. Rowan felt his cock begin to stir, and forced himself to look away.

“I didn’t know you owned anything like that.” He could feel Aelin sit on the bed, make her way closer to him, sliding under the sheets.

“Oh, I just wasn’t sure if you’d appreciate them. But since all you want to do is sleep, I thought it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Right.” He turned on his side, expecting her to be covered by the sheets. Instead, she was on her side, facing him, propped up on one elbow. Aelin let her head fall to the side and Rowan’s eyes traced the long white line of her neck.

“Rowan, are you going to be ok, going tomorrow? I’ll be the same, you know. Lin. Not me.”

Rowan blinked. “Of course. I don’t want you to go back there without me. Not that you can’t handle yourself,” he added. “It’s just that I want to get a sense of who this guy is.” He reached up and brushed the back of his fingers up and down her arm before resting his palm on her neck. He could feel her heartbeat beneath the skin, the warmth that flowed a bit too quickly for someone ready to fall asleep.

“Aelin, why did you put this on?”

She placed her hand over his, guiding it down to push the thin strap from her shoulder, waiting for Rowan to take over and move it the rest of the way. It was telling, he thought, that she wanted him to undress her. After all, Rowan was the one who had said no. 

Instead, Rowan shifted forward, pressed himself against Aelin until she was forced to lie on her back. The warmth of their bodies blended and Aelin’s breath hitched in her throat.

A finger traced a pattern over Aelin’s neck, down to the slope of her breast. Rowan kept his finger gliding just along the border between silk and skin, waiting for Aelin to force him to move faster. To his surprise she kept still, her fingers winding through his hair and letting him move as he would.

As a reward, Rowan finally grasped the thin strap of her nightgown and pulled it down as far as it would go, exposing her peaked breast to the air. Fuck if he didn’t want to touch and kiss and lick and bite every single inch of her, but instead he looked up at her face.

“Aelin,” Rowan said, his lips grazing over her nipple. He pulled himself back as she arched her back.

Aelin made a noise of acknowledgement.

“This is the most patient I think you’ve ever been.”

She huffed, but stayed perfectly still.

Rowan shifted himself over Aelin completely, his arms on either side of her. Aelin reached up, grasping his biceps to steady herself, though she was the one lying down, she was the one who has the bed at her back and Rowan pressing against her front.

He was hard and wanting. Rowan pressed his hips against her, letting Aelin feel how hard his cock was for her. She reached down to grasp him through his pants and he groaned, his head falling forward to her chest. His hips shifted forward, his cock moving in her hand, and Rowan had to pull away to keep from letting it happen that way.

Aelin panted something that sounded like Rowan’s name, causing him to pull away and renew his attention on her. His tongue traveled from one breast to another while his hands grasped her wrists and pressed them into the bed, holding her arms at her side. At a certain point he could no longer hold her down while also tasting the parts of her he wanted to taste, and he made a decision. He could either stay there, kissing her breasts and stomach, or he could let her hands go and make space for himself between her legs.

As if it were a choice. As if Rowan hadn’t been thinking about the way she might taste with his tongue in her cunt and her fingers pulling his hair so hard it caused his eyes to water.

He sat up, on his knees between her legs, and motioned for her to sit up. Aelin did as he asked without hesitation and after he pulled the silk up, over her hips, past her waist, then over her breasts, finally stripping her of it, she leaned forward, taking his face between her hands and kissing him as if it might be the final time they would get the chance.

But it wasn’t the first time. It had just been a long time coming.

“Lay down,” Rowan said, his voice low and controlled.

Aelin fell immediately on her back, legs spread, eyes on Rowan.

He ran his palms over the soft skin of her inner thighs, his thumbs brushing her clit before he moved up, cupping her breast, pinching her nipples, watching every move she made, every shift of her head and hitch in her breath. Aelin’s eyes were on his cock, hard and long and brushing against her stomach until he settled himself between her legs.

Rowan’s hair brushed her stomach, then her thighs, until Aelin gathered it up in her hands. He let her guide him down, their eyes locked until he finally looked down at the pink skin between her legs. With one hand he spread her folds, looking at this one part of her he had never seen, had thought about for months now.

He kissed her first, his lips meeting her and taking in the way she smelled, the way that her breath changed when he kissed her there.

Rowan plunged his tongue in next, not content with merely running it over the skin. He would take time to get to know her, to make her scream his name, but for right now, this was about what he wanted. To be buried in her so deep that he never needed to come up for air.

And then Rowan wanted to taste Aelin, make her come, and start over again.

He began to run his tongue over her clit in broad strokes, then flicking it over her, one finger thrusting inside of her and then another, until his tongue was buried inside her again.

Aelin’s thighs clenched around Rowan’s head, and he smiled to himself.

The rhythm increased, fingers pumping and tongue lavishing attention on her clit until Rowan would see her toes curling from the corner of his eye.

“Oh, fuck,” Aelin groaned, her head thrown back into her pillow so that when he looked up, all Rowan could see was the white column of her throat. He wished he could be there, too, whispering into her ear and gliding the tip of his tongue along her throat, tracing the scars that she would tell him the stories of.

But for now, he pressed, harder and faster, unable to murmur her name into her skin any longer, as his attention was focused on getting Aelin to come.

Aelin screamed out and her thighs clenched tighter. Rowan didn’t care. He kept working, stroking, licking, sucking until finally Aelin was left panting, her back on the bed and her thighs falling apart once more.

Rowan looked up at her, grinning before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“That’s not sleep,” Aelin panted, her head lolling to the side.

“No.” Rowan kissed her thigh, traced her hipbone with his thumb and followed that with his lips, then settled in next to Aelin. He opened his arms to her and she fell into them, curling her body to meet his.

“Rowan,” she said, reaching down, trying to find him.

He grabbed her hand, turned her around, finding their usual sleeping position. “Not now. Sleep, Aelin.”

He could feel her nod against his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Fireheart.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aelin and Lysandra's plan begins to fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, it's been about six months since I updated this. Sorry about that!

Lysandra pulled the zipper of her jacket up and down, glancing towards Aelin’s bedroom door. Meeting her old friend only worked as long as Arobynn thought that they were still rivals at heart. Pitting them against one another was one of his favorite pastimes, as they had figured out after Sam died. 

She couldn’t decide if she was hot or cold, comfortable or not. It might have had something to do with the suffocating presence of Orynth. Lysandra wanted it to feel like home. She had grown up there, after all, first finding solace in the shadowed alleys, then adjusting to the spotlight in which Arobynn had thrust her as a prized possession. And Clarisse… well, the people in Lysandra’s past had a funny way of helping her stay alive, and it never came without a cost. 

Lysandra bounced her foot nervously as she waited for Aelin. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her old friend. There was just more at stake than their lives. There was a young girl whose future depended on Aelin and Lysandra’s ability to extricate themselves from the underworld they had grown up in. And there were moments in her past that Lysandra would have done anything to keep Aedion from learning about. 

The stakes had never been higher, but then again, neither had the potential reward, if she and Aelin could pull this off.

Aelin’s bedroom door opened, and Lysandra could hear a deep, sleepy voice from within. Rowan. Roommates, indeed. She grinned, but it only lasted a moment. The reason she was there came rushing back when she saw the dark circles around Aelin’s eyes. She hadn’t been sleeping, and Lysandra couldn’t say she’d been doing any better. 

“Lys, good morning. Aedion told me you were going to stop by.” The two friends kissed one another on the cheek before settling down. “Do you want any coffee?” Aelin pulled her cardigan tight, wrapping her arms around herself. 

“No, thanks.” Lysandra lifted up her white paper coffee cup. “I stopped on the way. Besides, you aren’t supposed to be a good hostess to one of your mortal enemies, right?”

Aelin snorted softly. “Right.” She sat on the couch across from Lysandra, tucking her legs beneath her. “So, what news from headquarters?”

Straight to business, then. Lysandra uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “He’s planning something. I don’t know what it is. I’ve tried to do the usual, walking in like I didn’t realize he was on a call, bringing him to bed.” She shuddered. “He’s making sure all of his conversations take place in private. And he changed his password on the computer. I can’t log in anymore.”

Aelin raised an eyebrow. Arobynn made sure that Lysandra found her way to his bed every time she was in town, allowing her to be around in his most vulnerable moments. If he didn’t trust her, it must have been something big. 

“Any ideas?” Aelin asked.

“None. He tells me everything, Aelin. The things I’ve seen him do… he trusts me. So why not with this?”

“Trust?” Aelin said, disdain dripping from her voice. “Arobynn doesn’t trust you, Lys. He has you under his thumb. He doesn’t see you as a threat. That’s not the same thing.”

Lysandra felt the blow land, though she knew it was true, though she wouldn’t have ever wanted to be in the confidence of a man like Arobynn Hamel anyway. The only reason he allowed her to know the things she did was because she was under his complete control. Or so he thought.

“How are things going with Aedion?” Aelin asked. It was an attempt to soften the moment, and Lysandra took the bait eagerly.

“They’re going well.” Lysandra’s expression turned dark. “I have to make excuses every night, about why I don’t want to stay here, with him. Aedion took me to dinner last night. It was lovely. I wanted to stay with him. But Wesley was watching us. I saw him.” Lysandra’s voice cracked as she continued. “He has no idea about Arobynn, or Clarisse, or any of it. Aelin, if we don’t get this figured out, I’m afraid Arobynn will tell him. Just because he can. Because he’ll want to ruin it.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Aelin replied, “But I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn’t get the chance to ruin this for you.” Aelin pushed her hair back from her face. “Aedion will understand, but that isn’t the point. I’m done with all of this.” Aelin gestured vaguely to the room, the meaning extending to the city, where on some street corner or in some office, Arobynn was solidifying his grip on everyone around him.

“You said you would get access, right?” Lysandra finished her coffee and put the cup on the coffee table, her hand trembling. 

“Yep. Got it last night.” Aelin’s eyes had taken on a faraway look, one that Lysandra recognized as her I’m Making A Plan Face. “It won’t be long now.” Lysandra passed Aelin an envelope, and Aelin patted Lysandra’s knee in return. “Thanks.” She pocketed the envelope without opening it.

Lysandra let out a deep breath. “There’s something else,” she said. She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap. “He wants you to come to dinner. Tonight. With Rowan.” Lysandra looked back up, apology in her eyes.

“Of course he does.” Aelin sat up straight. “This is perfect.” 

“Perfect?” Lysandra’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Do you really want those two around each other?”

“Well no. But Arobynn can never resist a chance to show me off. And if it’s one more opportunity to play pretend, to be the doting protégée, I’ll take it.”

Rowan sauntered from the bedroom, showered and dressed. “Lysandra, good morning.” She nodded in acknowledgement. “You look lovely today.” He perched on the edge of a chair by Aelin, draping his arm on the back of her chair. The gesture was casual, proprietary without being domineering. Lysandra kept back a smile. 

“So,” Aelin said, turning back to Lysandra, “Tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll be there. And I’ll tell you what I find out then.”

Lysandra stood and left, giving Rowan directions to keep an eye on her friend. 

“What’s tonight?” Rowan asked when he and Aelin were alone. 

“We’re going to dinner with Arobynn.” 

Rowan tilted his head. “You mean I’ll get to meet him outside of a noisy bar?” He rolled his shoulders, stretched his neck, cracked his knuckles. He looked as if he were preparing for another round with her in the gym. 

“Whoa, down boy,” Aelin said. She placed her palm against Rowan’s chest. “We have something to do before that. I need to shower.” She picked up her phone and turned the screen on to check the time. “We have an appointment in an hour.”

“And do you need any assistance?”

Aelin shook her head. “Just come with me.”

“In the shower, I mean.” Rowan looked Aelin up and down and her blood began to heat, her core turning to liquid.

“No. Not yet.” She leaned forward and kissed him. “Later. After this is done.”

*****

Not quite an hour later, Rowan and Aelin were walking in the sunshine, Aelin’s hands shoved into her jeans pockets, Rowan occasionally bumping his hip into hers to make her smile. Nothing worked. Something was stripped away from her. A sense of joy, freedom, vitality. Everything that made her the woman he fell in love with was hidden beneath the oppressive weight of the city, of the responsibilities she found there. 

Rowan knew well the kind of burden a history could force on one, just as well as he knew that he wouldn’t be able to help Aelin in relieving it. He stood at her side instead, a pillar and a rock, ready to take whatever she couldn’t carry herself.

Aelin had been silent since they left the apartment, and he still wasn’t sure where they were going. She slowed her pace, and he took the opportunity to speak. “So, last night. What did you need from that guy?” Rowan asked. 

Aelin turned and faced him. “Access.”

“You said that already. To what?”

Aelin grinned and approached the building they had stopped by. Rowan looked up at the concrete and glass, the sun glinting off and forcing him to shield his eyes. Along the side of the building, in letters that stood taller than a person, Rowan could make out the words Bank of Orynth.

Aelin pushed the revolving door and made her way inside, with Rowan trailing behind. She approached a man at a desk just inside the entry. “I have an appointment with Mr. Vanderbilt. Junior, that is.”

The man nodded, picked up a phone, spoke low into the receiver. When he set it down he gestured to chairs nearby. “He will be with you momentarily. Please take a seat.”

When they were settled, Rowan asked, “Who is Mr. Vanderbilt?”

“Junior,” Aelin corrected. “Or the Second, or whatever his dad decided to call him.” She grinned. “He’s low-level management, but then he got to skip a few steps since his father owns this place.”

“Access?” Rowan asked.

“Access,” she nodded. 

A man in a suit rounded the corner, pulling at his tie and adjusting his suit. He slowed when he noticed Rowan sitting next to Aelin. He cleared his throat before stopping before Aelin and holding out his hand. “Ms. Ashryver.”

“Chad?” Rowan blurted out. And indeed, it was the same over-privileged, drugged out frat boy that Rowan had seen Aelin conduct business with the night before. The pieces clicked into place, and Rowan smiled. 

“Mr. Vanderbilt,” Aelin said smoothly. She stood, shaking his hand. “This is my friend, Rowan Whitethorn. He’ll be joining me today.”

Chad pulled his hand away and wiped them on his pants. “Let’s go.”

Rowan and Aelin followed him down a labyrinth hallway, passing security guards and through an entryway that was normally blocked by thick, heavy metal bars. Finally, they reached a secluded room. The walls were covered in locked, metal squares. Safety deposit boxes. Rowan wondered what was in them that Aelin could possibly be after.

After ensuring that they were alone Chad pulled a keychain from his pocket. “Which one do you need?” 

Aelin pulled a piece of paper from her pocket. “Arobynn Hamel. Number 3572.”

Chad turned without further comment, unlocked the number Aelin had indicated, and pulled a long, heavy metal box from the wall. “You only have about an hour. I can’t guarantee you won’t be interrupted after that.”

Aelin smiled sweetly. “We need more time. And we’ll get it, won’t we, Mr. Vanderbilt?” She placed her hands on the metal box. “Or do I need to speak with your boss about the oxy-“

Chad held up a hand, interrupting her. “Take all the time you need.” He hurried from the room, and Rowan turned to Aelin. 

She ran her hands over the corners of the box before reaching into her shirt and pulling out the envelope Lysandra had given her earlier. Pulling a small key from it, Aelin unlocked the box. Taking a deep breath, Aelin pulled out stacks of paperwork. She spread them over the table and began to organize the paper into smaller piles.

“What is all this?” Rowan tried to make sense of the piles she had made, but couldn’t discern any patterns. All he heard in the room was her breath, short and quick, as if she were running a race. Whatever she wanted to find there, it was important. Important enough to conduct a drug deal in public, to break into a private safety deposit box in what was likely the largest, most secure bank in the city.

“This,” Aelin said, placing her hand on one pile, “Is what I already knew about. Things I’m involved in. Business deals. Drug deals. Lysandra’s end of the business.” She flinched before continuing. “Messier things.”

“Messier?” 

“Yes.”

Rowan knew he wouldn’t get any more explanation, and didn’t push the question. “Do you want a seat?” He placed his hands on the back of a chair, ready to bring it to her. 

Aelin waved him off. “No, I need to see all of it at once.” She looked up at him. “Thank you though, for coming.”

“Of course.” Rowan took a step back from the table, hoping that Aelin would find what she needed, and feeling useless in the meantime. “You told me that Arobynn is running your parents’ company for you.”

“And Chaol told me that he’s trying to take it,” she responded. “Arobynn is in control of Galathynius Corp., has been for years. He gained control when I was a child, since I couldn’t, legally. My parents wanted to make sure that I was educated and prepared to take over, so there are stipulations before I’m allowed to. Graduation,” she raised one finger, “And no illegal activity.” She raised a second finger. “That is, none that’s on the record.” She winked before turning back to the large metal box. 

“So what are you looking for?” Rowan leaned against a row of boxes opposite her. 

“I’ll know when I find it,” Aelin said, her head still down as she flicked through the pages. “I need him gone. I need him behind bars, or six feet under. I need to know something about him that will hurt. It’s not just about me, but Lysandra and Evangeline. You.”

“Me?” 

Aelin paused, looked up at Rowan. “Yes. You don’t know what he’ll do to you, if he knows.”

“If he knows what?” Rowan tilted his head. He wasn’t trying to pry, or goad her. It was genuine curiosity propelling him into her past.

“If he knows I love you.”

Rowan’s heart skipped a beat, even as his hands became fists. Rowan began speaking, but his voice turned into background noise as Aelin realized what she held in her hands. 

“Holy shit,” she whispered. She blinked, reading the lines again and again, turning every possible meaning over in her mind as she processed what was laid out before her in black and white.

“What is it?” Rowan moved around the table to read over her shoulder. 

Aelin turned to look at him, holding the papers up. “He lied. Everything he said was a lie.”


End file.
